65 days in memory care




I haven't posted in a while, but I thought I would tell the story of my DH's adjustment to MC and ask you all a question. He had a very rough time for the first three weeks, then slowly began to adjust and to take part in activities which has progressed to him being fairly happy by six weeks or so. One of the reasons he's been happier lately is that he has developed a "girl friend"—-that occurred about two or two and a half weeks ago. I was surprised that it happened so soon. I have been of the opinion that having a girl friend could help him feel less lonely and relieve some of my ongoing guilt over placement—and my sadness when he told me how lonely he was. I've been friendly to her and have gotten over my first sense of rejection since DH is still so delighted when I show up. She's a short grandmotherly women who is talkative and nice. They wander the halls and hold hands. The staff frequently finds something "she has to do" when I am there so DH and I can have some time without her.Yesterday was an odd day and harkened back to an earlier time. DH was glad to see me but became sad about his life during our lunch out and after I left he was upset and had an "incident" with one of the male staff members who was delivering clean clothes to his room. The staff member didn't leave when he asked him to and he tried to push him out the door.
My question is't about to the update above but is about our 50th anniversary coming up on the 30th of this month. I have been thinking about taking him for an overnight to a nice hotel. It would be mostly for me I know, but I think this might be the last anniversary I could do that with him. I know he would enjoy parts of it…but do you think it would be too disorienting for him to stay overnight and then be returned the next day to his MC environment? I'm asking you all because you are the 'experts'…I know every PWD is different, but does anyone have experience in this sort of thing? What should I ask myself? Am I just being selfish?
Comments
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Sorry, I got nothing to offer. I just really want to give you a hug.
4 -
I would be afraid he would get very confused especially through the night. Looking for the bathroom or his stuff.
2 -
I think this would be mostly for you and very confusing for him. He has a ‘girlfriend’ - that shows he no longer understands what a marriage or an anniversary means. Plus you finally got him settled into the MC. Taking him out might result in a setback.
What I suggest is that you take the opportunity to go somewhere for a couple of days now that he is in MC. Someplace you’ve been wanting to go but he didn’t. Some place- activity you enjoy just for you
6 -
This is heartbreaking. Maybe have alone time with him outside in a garden or private area where you can just be with him, hold his hand, and tell him you love him. I don’t think removing him for a night would be a good idea as sad as I feel telling you that. You will love him and be his wife until the end. The way you celebrate that is different now, and for that, my heart goes out to you.♥️
5 -
Thanks so much for your loving comments. I also got the same message from my son who has been so helpful during this journey. I'm lucky to have him and all of you. I will do all the things suggested…and celebrate, and report back later.
7 -
We just had our 50th anniversary. On our 49th I brought my wife home from MC for the day and made a special meal. I had the thought since it was our anniversary if I said or did the right thing it would be special. It wasn't, I was fooling myself. She fell asleep in the chair. When I told her happy anniversary she said "it is" and that was it. For our 50th I visited her in MC and didn't say anything. She doesn't know one day from any other or have any relationship with time. Do something special for yourself.
4 -
My heart goes out to you. We all understand your intentions but I think you’re on the right track in changing your celebration. You’ll get through this! Sending a hug.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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