Being accused of any and everything

her behavior is very common in dementia. It’s not her talking it’s the disease. 2 things I learned here are: Never argue with someone with dementia and You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Repeat that through the day to yourself. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow. Talk to her doctor about anti anxiety medication. Come back often for support. Hugs. 💜

No matter what their false believe is, it’s best not to argue. Instead, play along with their delusion. When she accuses you of lying, do not try to defend yourself. Instead, say something like, “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again,” or “Yes Ma’am, I‘m sorry.” It might take the fight out of her.

@ARIL thank you for sharing the article about dealing with accusations. My husband was just recently diagnosed with ALZ, late stage 4, and consequently I’m new to dealing with the behaviors. It’s an area where I’ll really need to work to fine tune my own behaviors.
~Eve

@Kyliesuwill said:

Im 35 no kids yet and not married yet. and had just moved back to my home state.

LBD has a life expectancy of 5-8 years from diagnosis on average. It could be longer. Even if your grandmother had been a warm, supportive and lovely woman, this is a big ask. You need to consider how this decision will impact you down the line in terms of your own relationships, career and preparing for your future retirement.

I came to visit her before settling back home and I saw how bad it is.

It'll get worse as the disease progresses. Her needs will increase as she needs assistance with hygiene and toileting/incontinence care. Do you have a line-in-the-sand for placement, or do you plan to be her caregiver until she dies?

The truth is, she isn't close to any family or friends. she has led a very solitary life. Much of this is because she has always been extremely judgmental and frankly mean (before dementia). There are 5 of us grandchildren (she only had one child my dad who passed in 2011). I am the only one she would allow to stay with her. My siblings are great and they would help more if they could the relationships just are not there. We have talked about her going to a full time care facility

I would vote for the bolded. If she won't accept care from anyone but you, this is not equitable or sustainable. Siblings should be able to provide regular breaks for a primary caregiver I feel an extreme amount of guilt to myself for putting my life on hold again, but there really is no one else.

You mentioned becoming her paid caregiver through a program of some kind. Would that be a Medicaid program? If so, it might be simpler to get her qualified for Institutional Medicaid and get her placed now

we just want to respect her wishes for as long as possible.

That's the problem. Your grandmother made a wish instead of a plan. If your grandmother wanted to age-in-place, she should have purchased a robust LTC policy that would have made that possible. There should be no guilt over someone else's poor planning.

Don't think of it as you, and your siblings, "putting her in a home" but rather the dementia manifesting that outcome.

 I feel an extreme amount of guilt to myself for putting my life on hold again, but there really is no one else.

Listen to your gut. If this feels wrong for you, it probably is.

There's an old line in those airplane safety videos about putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. It applies here as well.

HB