I Want To Live With Someone Else
My spouse with nearly complete aphasia has managed to pull out that full sentence for a couple of weeks now. She is soooooo sick of me being her caregiver. I now represent the person controlling her life and keeping her from driving to go see friends, etc. Which I am, though I'm providing her a safe, loving and comfortable environment. In my eyes anyway. To her, I have become her personal Nurse Ratched. Maybe I need to go buy an old school nurses hat to complete that picture. Halloween costume idea!
Watching her do circles in the driveway right now and having a little vent. Thanks for listening.
Comments
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Know the feeling. My DH has lost weight . I keep trying to feed him,protein shakes anything he wants. Take h out to eat etc.. he keeps saying I'm force feeding him.
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I am so sorry.
HB
PS The bit about the old school nurse's cap made me giggle.0 -
I told my friend that my DW said she wants to live with someone else and my friend asked, “Did you say, ‘Me too’?”
Thank God for good friends.
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Oh Boy, I’m sorry. A good scream might help you. 😱
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, I’m so so with you. There is so little joy anymore. My DH hates me and tells me that every day. It’s so hard to tolerate. It’s been so long since I’ve heard a kind word or experienced joy. I was thinking today how different I am now. I’m no longer the fun filled, always laughing, positive person I was and I hate it. I want my old self back. The constant criticism and digs take a toll. I don’t want to just get through every day, I want to feel alive again, but we know that’s impossible on most days. So for now, I’ll dust myself off and go find and put on that Nurse Rachted outfit but with the usual smile and “ yes dear, that’s sounds great.” Thanks for the chuckle from one beach to another😂
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I think that will be my saying now. Im nurse rachet ot a caregiver
😀
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We are a second family for DH. Whenever he asks where his wife is I'm tempted to call up his ex and say that he is asking for her. He can go to her with my blessing 😂
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So sorry Cindy! I never thought of myself as a control freak but sure turned into one in DH’s eyes. I chuckled at the Nurse Ratchet costume. 😉 Hope tomorrow is better.
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I would love to try that, but he often thinks I am his Ex-wife……sometimes I think .. if only 🤭
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Viva to all the Nurse Ratchets!!
Yep, often I can’t leave the slightest mess (even in the middle of meal prep) in the kitchen or my wife (with aphasia) will come along and demand “now who left this @rap s@!t here like this!” A perfectly flowing sentence, clearest thing she’s said all day. Of course it’s just us and the dogs….3 -
My DH says “you think I am stupid and can’t do anything” when I try to help him out when he obviously needs help. Leave him alone and he fails. Try to help him and he hates it. Can’t win!
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Right there with you. Every.Single.Day.
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I have to be careful with that as well.
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My DH’s aphasia is so bad now to have any conversation is very hard and quite sole destroying. He tries so hard, so I try so hard to make sense of what he is trying to say. Often though his topic of conversation is about ‘the bad guys’ who live next door (not) or who drive their cars too fast etc all negative stuff. I try to take no notice and point out the beauty of the day, garden, birds, butterflies particularly while we are having breakfast but often it’s back to negative things including he can’t get out of this place, he wants to drive the car and leave, go back home. It’s exhausting so I put music on my iPhone it helps to smooth me and my DH. I pick up our puppy and dance around with him anything for a happy distraction
Sometime's it works …
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I’m with you on the negativity. My husband complains about how fast people drive past our house, all the neighbors he’s decided to dislike because he feels some of them don’t like him. It’s all in his head. He never leaves the house except for a doctor appt. His choice. I try changing the subject, most times it doesn’t work. A couple of days ago I snuck in a walk on the beach with my dog after grocery shopping. I would have loved to tell him how beautiful it was, but I couldn’t. Sometimes music does help. My husband knows his brain is failing him and he’s got his moms family disease as he says.
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I can so relate to this. I tell my DW I am just trying to help and she says I am taking over her life. If I don't do anything she tries and says she is stupid. Can't win.
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Yes, all of this! me, too! My latest image, in my head, is the See 'n' Say toy from my childhood - pull the string and it repeats one out of a handful of phrases ("the cow says Moooo"). It's as if the See 'n' Say in her brain just spins and pulls out whatever criticism or grouchy statement it falls on - "you never listen to me. Do you know how many times I've told you that? You just ignore me. Blah, blah blah." It reminds me of kids with autism that use scripting to communicate, but it's not lines from a movie, it's lines she has pulled out of her own brain. When I can picture that toy and laugh invisibly, it makes me feel a little better.
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My DH (who rarely speaks) said today that I am awfully bossy for a cleaning lady, shook his head and then said "And I pay for this?". 😄
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DeeDee…that made me chuckle! Yesterday HWD asked where the other ‘girl’ was who cleaned his bathroom and vacuumed…I sure wish she would come back today to do laundry!
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🤣
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@trottingalong
OMG, yes to the negativity. Dad was an avid but mediocre golfer. On their retirement, they built a house along the fairway of a golf course. Prior to his diagnosis in the middle stages, dad would lose his expletive whenever someone hit a ball into his yard and attempted to retrieve it. He'd come off the screened porch and raise h-e-double toothpicks with random strangers.1 -
@HollyBerry
Your description of an Alzheimer version See 'n' Say made me giggle.
It's funny you mention the scripted speech.There's a word for this kind of repeating— palilalia.
As a parent of an adult son on spectrum, that was one of the first symptoms of dad's that made me realize what I was seeing was not "a normal part of the aging process". (This was one of dad's pet scripts to the point it's become a punchline when anyone in the family does something boneheaded)
As he progressed, he showed other ASD adjacent symptoms— poor executive function, lack of central coherence, sensory issues (favored a toddler-like diet and very soft clothing), and loss of empathy.
My mom's starting to have some wordfinding issues although I'm not seeing other issues. My niece visited her last week and told me about mom asking for "kitchen papers" (paper towels) This is very different than dad's solution; he coped with his word-finding issues by code-switching to a more formal synonym. Mom and I were meant to attend a care planning meeting at the SNF where he was doing rehab. We weren't sure where exactly until we heard him bellowing "by whose authority am I incarcerated in this place?"
HB2 -
I think I maintain my sanity as a caregiver to a spouse with two kinds of dementia by constantly reminding myself that it is the disease that doesn't like me not my DH. After giving me a hard time most of the time over the past few years he suddenly started saying "Thank you". I know the care I give him at home is much better than what he would get in an institution. It isn't always easy but it is worth it. I know that is what I would want for myself. Taking care of someone with dementia is a bitch. Yes I would love to be able to just walk away.
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Thank you for that laugh! I needed it.
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my husband would definitely do that if we lived on a golf course.
1
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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