Ashamed father doing bare minimum for wife, home and self

Scooter22 · November 7

I live at home with my senior parents, acting as a part time caretaker. My dad is in his late 60s and my mom just turned 70. She was an alcoholic, had a stroke at 65 and was diagnosed with vascular dementia (VD). Before her stroke, their marriage was strained and he was planning on a divorce.

For 3 years she was in assisted living. She was social and had plenty of mental stimulation. Due to financial reasons, we moved my mom out, my dad retired and I moved back home.

She's been back for 2 years. She still recognizes us, can walk, use the restroom, change and bathe. She is very repetitive, has almost no short term memory and has a pretty erratic activity schedule.

Each day, my dad does the bare minimum for her, himself and the house. He preps her medication and makes 1-2 meals (usually cereal and a sandwich). That's it. If she tries to go anywhere in the house he tells her to go back to her room. The rest of the day he lays on his back, looking at his iPad, sometimes for 12+ hours. The other 12 hours he sleeps (broken sleep due to mom's evening/morning routine). He is on several medications and recently had heart issues, making him even more sedentary.

90% of the time he speaks to her, it is with strong resentment. His communication skills are god awful. His daily sayings are,

"I'm not a f'ing maid"
"I'm not a f'ing nurse"
"You just asked me that"
"There's nothing to eat"
"Go back to your room" or "go back to sleep"

What makes it worse is he refuses ALL home and social services. He has very few friends and doesn't talk to his family. Anytime I bring up additional care for my mom he scoffs at the idea, guilts me for something I did or says he doesn't want to talk about it. Much of the cleaning, cooking and care for my mom falls on me.

I don't have the financial means to take my mom and leave and if I call or invite in-home services, he will kick me out because, in his words, "I don't need anyone in my business." I don't want to leave because I don't like the idea of the 2 of them being alone, especially with her lack of care and how resentful he is.

Ultimately, what I am dealing with is a father who refuses help and a mother who needs better verbal treatment and more stimulation/activity.

I am by no means a psychologist or counselor, but my take on the situation is, he is in serious denial, uses his Ipad as a coping mechanism and has extreme shame about my mom, her condition, our house and his own issues. The outcome being that he rarely leaves the house, never opens up to anyone and takes out his frustration with verbal jabs at my mom and others.

I guess the point of this post is to find assurance that others have gone through this scenario and/or confirmation that outside help is seriously needed, with or without his permission.

At the end of the day, I want my mom to enjoy her last years on Earth and not be stuck in a dimly lit bedroom. I also want my dad to better himself (ie.-stop being such a stubborn, miserable person) before his health issues get the best of him.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with my dad or has been through this, I'd love to hear your story.

Victoriaredux · November 7

Did your parents meet with an elder law attorney to see about doing Medicaid planning ? Her care needs will just increase and the jump to bedridden and incontinent can happen in a flash.

While your Dad may not be a romantic hero- in the last few years he's had to retire, has heart issues and is stuck in a house with someone he was considering divorcing. His words aren't love poems for sure but he's lost all benchmarks to his old life . He may benefit from counseling or a depression med to get him through this period. And , sadly it's not unheard of for both spouses to have dementia but it's not noticed in the higher functioning spouse until later .

While waiting for an attorney appt have you considered adult day care for your Mom- would get her some outside contact and give your Dad time "off." Did he have any hobbies before that he can go back to ? Any skills he could volunteer using to give himself a positive purpose?

I'm not a lawyer or counselor but the Alz Assoc has social workers at no charge that can give support and ideas.

"Get Help and Support, Day or Night 800.272.3900

The Alzheimer’s Association is here all day, every day for people facing Alzheimer’s and other dementia through our free 24/7 Helpline (800.272.3900). Talk to a dementia expert now and get confidential emotional support, local resources, crisis assistance and information in over 200 languages. It's ok if you don't know where to start. Just give us a call and we'll guide you from there."

It's frustrating for all three of you - the disease can't change and the ongoing battle is to try to not let it change us all for the worst. Hollywood sticks dementia families in expensive sweaters [always stain free] at fancy beach cottages weeping . Reality is more like bologna sandwiches and loads of laundry . I hope you can find a way to work with your Dad and that a lawyer can show some options .

Glad you found this board, there is a lot to learn from the folks here and always support .

SDianeL · November 8

one thing you could try is to get him to read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and you should read it too. Very soon your Mom will need 24/7 care. She will become incontinent and bedridden. You and your Dad will not be able to care for her yourselves. A Social Worker or Case Manager through her doctor might be able to help you navigate Medicaid which will pay for her care in a nursing home if your parents meet the financial qualifications. I also wonder if your Dad has cognitive decline. Could you speak to his doctor and ask for a simple cognitive test at his next visit? So sorry you are going through this. Hugs. 💜

harshedbuzz · November 8

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

Yours is a very sad story and you are likely very limited as to what you can personally do to improve the situation for each of your parents.

To my ear, I'm getting lots of empathy for your mom but very little for your dad. Consider that he was unhappily married and became trapped by your mom's stroke and dementia which robbed him of the retirement he had envisioned for himself.

My situation with my parents had many similarities to what you are facing. My dad had an alcohol-related dementia along with Alzheimer's. In the earlier stages of dementia before he was diagnosed, his personality changed and mom was seriously considering a divorce because she was not happy in the marriage in part because of the drinking and behaviors associated that were hard to forgive. There is likely history in play here that you may not be privvy to.

When dad was finally diagnosed, she was beyond angry at what he had done to himself and to their retirement and lifestyle. They lost a lot of friends and family because of dad's behavior around this time further isolating mom. She saw all of this as self-inflicted and had very little sympathy.

Your dad behavior sounds like he's clinically and situationally depressed. In men, irritability is often the most prominent symptom. Medication and empathy would likely be helpful for him. Medication to get your mom's sleep on better schedule would likely help as well.

That said, meds and even help in the house might not be enough to improve your dad's outlook and approach to caregiving. I see 2 options, and both start with a consult with a certified elder law specialist. You and dad could explore qualifying mom for institutional Medicaid with a goal to placing her in a MCF where she'd have professional care depending on your state.

Your dad could explore divorce. This is not an inexpensive option, but it would allow him to proceed as he'd planned before she got sick. Mom did consider this but decided against it because of the financial hit she would have taken and because she would have lost her status as dad's decision-maker to me. Dad and I had a difficult relationship, and she didn't trust me. She decided to ride it out and became a good caregiver, but it did take some time to work through her feelings.

I'm sorry you're all living this nightmare.
HB

Anonymousjpl123 · November 9

Good advice above. First and foremost I am sorry you are living in this relative nightmare. All things considered, it sounds like you’re taking stock of the situation in a realistic way. I think ultimately no matter what happens, your mom will need a higher level of care. Depending on your dad’s level of needs, you may find it easiest to begin thinking about placement for your mom - I know she moved from AL due to financial constraints but there are places Medicaid will cover. I would start looking into that now, and try to get them in for regular check ups. Even a routine physical can test for vitamin deficiencies etc.

it’s a marathon not a sprint. I’m glad you found this place. This forum has provided me with more valuable info than many other sources. Keep us posted.

Ashamed father doing bare minimum for wife, home and self

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories