DH fixated on being able to drive.

Color Blue · November 20

DH is so fixated on being able to drive again he has become very depressed and says life is not worth living. He says he feels like he is in jail and can't do anything. I can drive him anyplace he would like to go. When I ask him where he would like to go he doesn't have an answer. Dr.'s have told him he shouldn't drive and had him tested at a rehab clinic. He failed the test but keeps saying they are wrong. I have sent in a form to the DMV to see if he can be tested. Waiting for an answer. I am afraid what will happen if he fails it-which i believe he will. I don't know who to reach out to. I suggested a therapist but he says all they do is talk and don't help. He is on 2 anti depressant medicines.

jgreen · November 20

Dear, Blue,

I am so sorry you are going through this. That loss of independence must be so very frustrating! Just think of how we would feel if the tables were reversed and we couldn’t drive anymore.

My DH was told by doctor not to drive t months ago and still demands the keys! I’ve learned he does not understand when I tell him he is not allowed to drive anymore and just gets angry. Instead, I have different responses ready when this comes up. If I sense he wants to go somewhere and I am able at the moment, I will say “it IS a lovely day for a drive. I feel like driving today” and I proceed to get in the driver’s seat. If I cannot go at the moment because I am doing something that will take some time, I acknowledge his feelings with “it’s tough that you can’t go right now. If you can help me with _____ maybe we can go on a bit.” That shows I am listening to him. Sometimes these replies work and other times not - just keep trying to divert and get your DH on something else.

Do hide the keys; maybe move the car where he cannot see it; see if a friend can help drive him places to give you a break.

Others on this forum have recommended the book The 36-hour Day and that book is loaded with tips for different behaviors. There are some good speakers that also have tips if you are into video sessions - Tam Cummings, Teepa Snow and The Careblazers website.

I know others will have advice for you along with lots of empathy and support - we’ve all been in your shoes. Take care of yourself.

Dio · November 20

It's downright devastating to lose one's independence and liberty. I certainly went through that with DH. It was an extremely difficult period. But for everyone's safety, I had to hold steadfast to hide car keys and deal with the wrath of his anger. I just kept repeating this is non-negotiable because of the risk and liability, not to mention we couldn't possibly live with ourselves if someone else got hurt. Hopefully, this phase will pass soon, as your DH begins to accept this "new normal."

ronda b · November 20

The Dr.said he should not drive. I don't think I would let him take the driving test. He could be having a good day. Also your ins. Will not probably cover him if he was in an accident no matter who's fault d/t the diagnosis of alz.. you could get sued.

Biggles · 3:50AM

My DH gave up driving and reluctantly handed in his driving license anout 3 years ago. He still says he wants to drive and feels like he is in prison. He constantly checks on the car in the garage to make sure it hasn’t been pinched, he also constantly tells me how to drive, what I am doing wrong, when we should get new tyres and have the car serviced. He also gives me directions when we are driving, these are always opposite to the GPS it just confirms how mixed up they are. When it’s time to stop for safety’s sake to them and others they have to stop.

DH fixated on being able to drive.

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