Sons and their Dad
Just talking. We have had such a lovely 2 day visit from our son and 7 year old grandson. They live 1500kl from us so visits are very special and require a certain amount of strategic planning to get away from work, fit in with school and sports and everything else that is going on in their lives. He brought me a new iPhone and wanted to make sure all was transferred and working correctly from my old phone. Perfect and so appreciated. He also wanted to see his Dad and rekindle the grandpa and grandson relationship. Here lies the problem.
My DH with VD about stage 6/7 and Aphasia no longer has the capacity to communicate with closeness or empathy in fact almost shows no emotions. The visit was wonderful but the hugs weren’t really returned by my DH, he was very tired and didn’t or couldn’t show any enjoyment or show any thankful appreciation for them being there. He just needed his quiet space . I think our son understood but I felt at a loss watching this play out. It makes me sad to see this change in their relationship. How do you cope with all these sad changes in our lives.
Comments
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Hello just talking. My stepson came to visit a bit ago, and since he doesn’t visit often, was devastated with the changes in his dad. At one point he hugged his dad and started crying. My DH showed no emotion, no response, no empathy. I banged my elbow last night, gripped it and was howling, ouch!, ouch!, ouch!. Same thing, no response, no empathy. When I try to process this deficit in my DH, I say, well, I’ll just put that away until later, I have to keep moving. I’ve got so many things I’ve put away until later I fear one day they’ll crush me. But I don’t know how to process them. I’m watching in real time the total destruction of the man I love and adore. It’s heartbreaking. Sorry Biggles, it’s so much to absorb. Glad you got to see your loved ones and enjoy them.
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You both brought home what I’ve been witnessing and not able to put into words. Every once in a while I see some type of caring or loving emotion in DH and I have to stop and quietly remind myself to savor those moments. They are ever so fleeting, and getting spaced farther and farther apart. I also keep a journal when I have a few moments to jot these down. I got a big hug from my DH just the other day - first I can remember in a long time! What a wonderful moment!
It breaks my heart to see our son do things for dad with no expression of appreciation or love. I can see it is causing both of you undeserved pain as well. Best we can do is express that appreciation and love as a proxy for our spouse. Not quite the same, but it has to do under these circumstances.
I also remind family and friends that this is the awful disease and not the person! I know that they (spouse/parent) can feel that they are cared for and loved, just cannot express those feelings anymore.
Unfortunately we are now their eyes, ears, and voices. Let’s be on the lookout for those rare moments and treasure them while we can.Hugs to both of you! 💝 💝
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Unfortunately, this is the reality of the disease. Our loved ones lose the capacity to feel or express empathy as well as other emotions. I am starting to see this in my own husband. Normally when I visit him at MC and tell him I love him, he responds with I love you too and hugs me. Recently, his response was, "Thank you." No hug. I don't feel hurt so much as sad. I'm sad for both of us.
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It’s so hard to constantly see these changes and have to bury your feelings in the back of your mind. For me, they always resurface from some random trigger and I have a good cry. We must just go with the flow and move on, as hard as that is, day after day.
I’m happy you had a nice visit because being with family is always a welcome distraction.
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Thankyou Tony for your response again it’s just comforting and good to know you are not alone with this and others are experiencing the same reactions. It’s hard and horrible.
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Such lovely caring and understanding words. It’s like holding hands together, Thankyou.
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So happy YOU were able to have a good visit. Like White Crane mentioned it’s the reality of the disease. My heart always aches for our grandchildren when their formerly loving Granddad is no longer able to experience their joy. We cope by only having short infrequent visits. Hugs to you.
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Loss of empathy is such a sad thing to experience in our LO's decline. My PWD is my mom. I realize it must be much, much harder to handle with a life partner. Long before her cognitive issues were obvious to me, I recall my mom's stunning lack of reaction to the news that she was going to become a grandmother. I was confused and hurt, had no idea how to process her blank stare and no enthusiasm at all. Now, of course, the uncaring attitude makes sense. And she smiles big when she sees her grandson ... she can't say his name, but he is clearly important to her now. We take the blessings where we can find them!
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So hard, each new stage, each little and big change. I have not managed to process any of them without crying my eyes out. I sometimes feel like I’ve done all of the sobbing I possibly can and then find out I haven’t.
Big hug.4 -
@Biggles I'm so happy they came to see you as well as your dh, and provided some care and support for you. My own dh's son, daughter, brothers, or parents have never come to see him as long as I have known him (we've been married 9 years, together13). We have gone to see them multiple times.
It's hard when they come and see their changed dad, and it's hard when they don't.
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How wonderful that you had a good visit with your son and grandson! And that they came.
My PWD is my father, not a spouse. But please let me just say from the position of an adult child that you are not required to protect your son from this pain. You will wear yourself out even more if you try to do that. You can help your son see and understand—but he sounds like a thoughtful, loving, and responsible adult. Good for him. He can help support you if you let him—even from 1500km away. And he can teach his own son about disease and compassion and care and grief.
I don’t at all mean to be brusque, and I hope you don’t take it that way. But I am sorry to see you trying to remove your son’s grief about this disease, because it’s just something else outside your control. Embrace him yourself—and let him care for you as the adult he is. ❤️
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Thankyou CindyBum
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Oh goodness sandwichone the things we have to bare. Knowing your plight of non visits I shall plough through and count my blessings. Thankyou for your reply.
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Thankyou ARIL for your very wise words. Absolutely appreciate your understanding.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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