rough day w dad in MC "Get me out of here!"

jen ht · December 3

Hi community,

Dad was pretty agitated today during our visit. Redirecting was not working, so I had to cut my visit short. I'm wondering what I am missing or if you all have more ideas for me to consider. Here's some context plus what I'm seeing lately.

He tells me that he just has to get out of there. Over and over. I have shared here before that I seem to remind him of his life beyond/before memory care. I think when he sees me he thinks I'm going to "spring him" outta there.

We are no longer new to this (Alz, behaviors, MC living)… and yet it still hits me hard. I feel badly when I don't visit and I also feel badly when I do visit but have to leave promptly. Ugh. I've been going during meals when possible to provide a layer of distraction and to have clear reasons to stay in common areas for the visit.

I worry that he may be agitated and planning how to get out of there when I'm not there too. I don't want him to continually struggle with this level of upset and agitation. I guess I have a hard time trusting that "he manages mostly okay" when I'm not there. I wonder if he needs more help via meds for his anxiety and mood. We did try one (seroquel) through his neurologist almost a year ago, but discontinued it on the recommendation of the DoN due to sleepiness.

It is so hard to know what's the right thing to do to support dad and to help him be at least comfortable-ish. I know happiness or contentment is too lofty of a goal, but seeing him suffer like he was today absolutely breaks my heart.

I did message the nurse manager on duty to let her know why I left quickly so they could watch out for possible behaviors. I also asked about revisiting the med conversation. I do see other evidence of decline as well like trouble talking. This is newer for dad and seems to be increasing. He also mostly talks about his dad now. His dad died before I was born. I just go along with it and talk with him about his dad. He gets upset that "Dad won't come get me" too.

Dad is divorced and an only child. I am also an only child. I just get so lost sometimes in what to do and how to be a good advocate for his care. We've always made a pretty good team together, but I feel so out there on my own in trying to navigate this alone since his brain change advanced enough to lead me to MC for him. Ugggghhhh. I haven't cried this much about his care for a while now. So I decided to reach out. Thank you for reading and supporting. I really appreciate you all.

If I am missing something or if something occurs to you that might help, would you please let me know?

Thanks in advance, dear community,

May we be well 💜

Jen

easy23 · 2:39AM

Hi Jen, I wound up going the meds route for my DH who had agitation and was always looking to "get out of here" no matter where he was. He takes risperidone, depakote and Zoloft. I know that if he were in his right mind and knew what was happening to him, he would want to be medicated. He is much calmer on the three meds and the staff at the SNF has no complaints with him.

I hope this helps. Good luck, it's so difficult!

Quilting brings calm · 2:46AM

You might just have to deal with the sleepiness if the medication. was helping - sleepiness might just be a temporary side affect as he gets adjusted. There are other medications too.

Sometimes it’s just stubbornness or denial that they need help. My step-dad was sure he could take care of himself and mom in a house the entire 4.5 years he was in AL with mom before he passed. I finally just let him bluster and ignored it and redirected

ARIL · 3:28AM

This is so hard, and painful for you, I know. My dad almost always greets me with “When am I going home?” Although I have come to see that “home” means different things to him at different times, it is still hard to zero in on whatever it might mean that day, that time.

I too am an only child, and I too am hearing and talking a lot about my grandfather, who died long before I was born. It seems that a lot of this is ordinary disease progression—which doesn’t make it any easier when you’re the one witnessing it!

It does sound as though revisiting the medication question would be a good idea. And some people learn to work effectively with fibs: When the doctor says you can go, we’ll go. Or: You can go next week… (assuming this will not be remembered). If the goal is to provide reassurance and comfort, sometimes agreeing is a tactic.

What works (in the non-pharmaceutical realm) varies by individual. I have had some success with roughly true things that kick the can down the road: “Well, you pay by the month, and you’ve already paid up for the whole month. So we can figure something out later about next month.” Or sometimes: “It’s 20 degrees outside. You’ll want to wait until it’s warmer.”

Thinking of you. Right there with you!

rough day w dad in MC "Get me out of here!"

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