How to answer if your DH says he is dying.

When dad initially did this, I did the same as you saying "not today" or "not on my watch; mom'll kill me if I let that happen".

In retrospect, things improved when his doctor talked about it being a nature part of life and that he'd have support if needed when the time came. A friend called on the chaplain from the hospice to talk with her mom which helped in the moment.

HB

Oh, I am sorry. This is very hard to hear, I know.

My father increasingly asks me whether he is dying. It is somehow easier as a question than a statement, but I have said different things. For example,

“Well, you are human, so it is true that you will eventually die. But there is no reason to think that your death is imminent.”

“Your doctor has not told me anything that would suggest we should expect your death soon.”

“For a person who is 92, you are doing pretty well. But of course death comes to us all in time. Is there something that concerns you?”

“From my perspective you seem to be OK. But you know how you feel better than I do. How are you feeling today?” If the answer is “not too well,” I go through a list: Is your head hurting? Do you feel sick at your stomach? Etc.

If he told me he knew this would be his last Christmas, I might decide where I needed the conversation to go. I might say, “We have had a lot of good Christmases, haven’t we?” and then reminisce about times when I was a child or when other people he loves were present (e.g., “Your mom and dad used to buy you an orange for Christmas when you were a little boy, didn’t they?”). I might say that I hope it isn’t his last one, but whether or not it is, we will do our best to enjoy being together.

So hard to hear. And maybe the goal is to simultaneously provide comfort that you are there with him and also to acknowledge his feelings and the reality of life’s trajectory. That’s tough, especially when these conversations are so heartbreaking for us.

Big hugs