Learning to grieve

Jaimee243 · December 8

My mom was officially diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers in January, although she has been showing symptoms for quite some time now.
My mom and I have always had a close, yet complicated relationship as she was a single parent and she had a hard time "letting go" of her baby.
Back in August, she had ended up with strep throat, which accelerated her alzheimers progression and has been displaying erratic behavior since then.
A week before Thanksgiving she ended up in the hospital with dehydration and acute renal failure because getting her to eat or drink the past few months has been a huge argument.
She is a retired nurse in the small community hospital that she was in, so her doctors and nurses knew her well and could see how much she has declined.
After a long discussion with her care team, it was decided that it was time to place her in a memory care facility because I just could not do it all on my own anymore.
The guilt of not being able to care for her is killing me. I am angry with my extended family for not helping me more so I could keep her home longer. I feel like I have lost my best friend. I have so many different emotions swirling within and as much as my people want to understand, they just don't fully get it.
I am feeling completely lost and overwhelmed at the same time. I spent Thanksgiving by myself and am not looking forward to the Christmas holiday in the least.
My research tells me this is ambiguous grief, but I am not sure how to move forward.

Tuco · December 8

going through the same thing with my dad, and my mom is soon to be on a similar path. As to your family - understand there are some of us who aren’t really well cut out for this. My dad is in a facility, and when I’m in town I visit, but it’s hard for me to stay more than an hour, as he has been holding in all of his imagined frustration of all the terrible stuff my mom is supposedly doing (really wild and she isn’t ). At this point he is a shell of himself in many respects he is already gone. So kudos for your strength. Not all of us are that strong.

JulietteBee · December 8

It is called anticipatory grief and we are all going through it.

I cry almost daily as I watch my highly educated, registered nurse, mom disintegrate right in front of me.

For whatever it is worth, you do not walk alone. Hugs!🫂

psg712 · December 8

At this stage of dementia, it usually takes a team to care for someone safely. You are one person and cannot do it all by yourself. Give yourself time to adjust to sharing the responsibility with the MC staff. She is still your mom, you know her best, and she will need your continued involvement. You are still her primary caregiver even though she lives in a facility. Guilt is hard to let go, but you are doing the best that you can in a challenging situation.

Yes, this grief is complicated. It truly is the long goodbye. Anger is often a part of it - anger on her behalf for what she has lost, anger for yourself that she can no longer be the mom that you need, anger at others for not acknowledging the situation or being there in the ways that you and your mom need. It's unfair and it hurts.

Is there a local support group you could participate in your area? Are you a part of a spiritual community to which you can turn? Some of us have found support with an individual therapist when the struggle is hard. Come here often - the folks on this forum have been there and truly do understand. Hugs for you!

Anonymousjpl123 · December 8

Welcome, and I’m glad you found this site though I’m sorry for the reason why. This disease takes a toll that is so unique because our loved ones lose independence. Most people, as @psg712 said so well, can’t do this for another person alone.

My mom and I always had a very very fraught relationship and I still had enormous guilt putting her in a facility, even though there was no other option. I still feel it, even though i know there is no other option.

I have come to believe that we still live in a model of elder care that is based on large extended families that just don’t exist anymore. And for those doing it WITH large families? To my mind, that seems even harder!

It’s a big move and I’m sorry you gave ti do it. I had to move my mom into AL (she lasted 8 Months) then MC (it’s been over 2 years) and it’s just awful for me. She does say she wishes she could live in my house but she knows it’s not possible. She no longer recognizes anyone else in the family because no one visits.

The reality is that if I tried to bring her home (which I’m always tempted to do), it would be me and her and maybe a part time aide and that sounds like a nightmare. Visit as many places as you can, get as much info as you can, and you and she can and will get through this. And you are not crazy: it’s one of the hardest things I have done in my life.

SDianeL · December 9

so sorry you are going through this. Dementia takes so much from us. Remember you didn’t do it to her, you did it for her so she can get the 24/7 care she needs and she is safe. Very few people can care for their LO with dementia by themselves. You’re human. You are also not alone in that most people’s families don’t help. For many reasons. One person here even wrote a post about “The Cavalry isn’t coming” and that was so true. You are still her primary caregiver just with a different role. She still needs you to advocate for her and to make sure she is well cared for. I know how you feel. Sending hugs. 💜

Learning to grieve

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