Is it time?
DH almost set the house on fire today by putting hot coals from the wood stove into a cardboard box & leaving it out on the deck. It must have been smoldering all day. We (adult kids & I) discovered this just a few minutes ago.
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oh my! That’s scary! Yes, as the saying goes here if you ask, it’s time. If you are not able to provide 24/7 care he should be in memory care for his safety and the safety of others.
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@AlzWife2023
I'm so sorry. That must've been terrifying.
You don't need an incident to justify the decision for placement. If you feel it's time for placement— it is.
That said, if you're personally "not there" and it's practical to prevent this or something else like it from happening again, you don't necessarily have to.
If you need to use the stove as your primary source of heat or you can't cut off his access to it because of the design of your home, you may all be safer with him in a MCF.
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Wow that’s scary. Im glad you caught it before things got ugly. I think we tend to over estimate our loved one’s capabilities. They often present themselves with such confidence that we don’t really see some of their deficiencies.This definitely gets your attention and makes things clear. I think it’s either time for mc or 24/7 (eyes on him like a toddler) care in the home. I do think keeping a pwd in their home gives them constant reminders of things they can’t do (or things the family won’t let them do). Loading the fire, mowing the lawn, shoveling the walk are all things he may fight to be able to do if he stays in your home. We have mom in a snf and she has finally stopped talking about baking cupcakes and pulling weed I. Her garden. A facility is safe without the distractions of the life they had. For some that might be good for others maybe not.
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If you don't want to consider placement, having a paid companion might be an option…someone to keep an eye on him when you are not able to.
I suggest tThis as my DH is able to tend to himself with most things but there are things he should not be doing like turning on the stovetop, turning on the gas fireplace, going on a walk without me and things I haven't even considered. The day is coming when I will have to have to engage a daytime caretaker.
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There are hundreds of ways a PWD can cause havoc at home and one person cannot be attentive 24/7.
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Yes it’s time. The next time he could do that inside the house- you really don’t want a fire. Or he could wander off. Or flood the bathroom etc.
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You know the answer to your question already. Nobody can police a LO constantly. Dangerous situations can crop up anytime.
I recall that things have been tough at home for a while now, and I believe that one of the adult children was the primary holdup back in the summer? Surely a hole burned into the deck offers clear evidence of danger.
I’m so sorry about all this. It is a hard moment and a relentless disease.
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Thank goodness you are all safe.
With my grandmother, an electric kettle worked very well for her as a replacement for the kettles she was ruining by leaving them on the stove long after the water boiled away. It worked very well until it didn’t.
She decided to put that kettle on the stove one day. She was living alone at the time and the only thing that saved her from burning the house down once the plastic base of the electric kettle started to burn was the professionally monitored smoke alarm in the house.Yes, we can try to add more and more safeguards around our loved ones, but there does come a time, I believe, when we as a family aren’t enough.
Only you know if it is time, but remember anything you do is for their safety and it is done out of love.
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At first, I was so angry, and I thought immediately: NURSING HOME! but I immediately realized it was preventable and we all moved on. We (kids & I) have taken over stove duties and he seems unbothered or even relieved to not have this chore. Daughter says she thinks he was trying really hard to stay on top of it and the last few days seems more relaxed.
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How is it preventable? A home is full of hazards- ie normal items that can be turned into hazards or destroyed. Life is busy- but the box was left outside unnoticed all day, right? What will prevent him from going outside or doing something else in the future? He sounds past the point of understanding chores and responsibilities for them. I mean nothing cruel but are you seeing more awareness than is truly there? Whether placed or not, I'd consider upgrading over sight and safety proofing the home.
I had to chuckle - the burnt box's label is the word UNREAL , if only, if only
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I’m so glad he has accepted that he doesn’t need to do this chore. I think that’s a big part of the battle. My mom insisted on doing everything herself(baking, mowing the lawn, weeding her garden.. it was all a battle). I would still caution you to really watch what he is doing and how well he is doing it. My brother told me mom did just fine doing her own laundry. While visiting I discovered she had run the washer twice without putting any clothes in it. This wasn’t dangerous, but I think it shows you just can’t assume they are capable because you notice them going through the motions.
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Oh, I watch him all day! This happened when we had a change in routine. Daughter visting with new dog and the coal can was full so he used his "judgment" and filled up a cardboard box with hot coals. (PS there is no reason to remove hot coals but he is obsessed with clearing out teh coals at the beginning of the day). I am home almost 24/7. If I go out, our son is watching him, but, yes I sometimes slip into thinking he can handle this or that. He's still tending the stove. The only way to prevent that is for me to light the fire first thing in the morning and then take it over entirely for the rest of the day—which some days I do and other days I sort of forget and he goes right to it firts thing, as it's his chore in his mind.
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This is very good advice. Thank you. Serously, the fire is all he does which is crazy since it's the most dangerous chore! He can barely find the coffee pot and the cream then his cup etc. He walks in circles all morning. He certainly can't make the coffee or anything else. It's so painful and exhausting to fully accept and face the truth every minute. I do find myself being lulled into thinking something like: this is OK, this is the new normal, etc.
Tonight he was arguing with me b/c he didn't understand what I was saying and he's clearly imagining things up and he's tired. I never argue back. Then he said: "if you find me walking around, be nice to me." It was so sad. I could not look him in the eye. Was it a flash of insight on his part?
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Important detail—daughter who is very observant and was visiting found this at night right before we all went to bed. My son had walked right by it without noticing. Since its cold, rainy, wet, I had not gone out all day so…and would not have gone the deck that night. Moral of story is if she had not noticed, we probably would have had a house fire.
The issue with placement is fourfold: money, access to any kind of good care, knowing he will suffer, knowing we will suffer tremendous worry and guilt. So I am just gonna have to work harder!
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Thanks @MaruComing back to this post b/c at the time I was in such a state that I could not really benefit from all the shared stories and compassion. I am hoping to get him in a day program—we are visiting tomorrow. It's a long drive (we live rural so that's inevitable) and it will cost $150 a day (kids and I will have to cough it up somehow) but I am losing my mind!!! We all are! He started another fire a month ago. I feel like I am on house arrest. Got out all day yesterday and felt alive, like a person, like an adult, and today I am mourning that feeling. Son is still living with us, but he is clearly very stressed and over it!!! Day program is step 1; then we'll see. I need to go back to work next year. Hope you're keeping well. xo
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"He started another fire a month ago."
I hope the day program works out but even 6 hours 5 days a week leaves a lot of time for him to be doing things. Not being cruel but he's started 2 fires - so obviously he isn't being watched like "a hawk" or the house and grounds haven't been dementia proofed.
Rural homes are difficult - other members of this board have had to place just because of that—just too many things out that have to stay out -that can cause physical or financial harm.
If one of his fires spread you'd be held liable for the damages . Depending on the laws in your state if someone dies that could be a criminal charge . Insurance may not respond .
If you haven't talked to an elder law attorney it would be good to do so now just so you have a plan on how to afford placement . There's nothing noble in my opinion, of care giving at home if it makes other family members sick /stressed or puts others in danger.2 -
Sadly, I agree with Victoria. One small fire could have been an oversight but two…? I am not a fan of placement and will do all I can to prevent having to resort to that, but sometimes it is essential. If you cannot have a companion who is physically with your DH every waking moment, I don't think that you have much choice. I am sorry that you are faced with this.
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You dodged the bullet. Next time, you might not be as lucky. You can not watch him 24/7. It is dangerous for him and your family. Don’t down play this.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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