Im 40 and he was 46.

My loved one of 6 years, 3 months, 26 days passed on November 29th. Today was my first day back to work. I was supposed to go in yesterday but anxiety struck me. I work in a pharmacy located in a doctor office. I only broke once today. However now I can't stop crying. I miss my Luis so much.

I feel like i have been in denial. I saw your body lifeless, no breathing or heartbeat. I saw hospice change you one last time. I watched the funeral people wrap you up in a white sheet, place you on the gurney. I placed a Seahawks hat on your chest along with one of the many dried roses of the bouquets you got me to be cremated with you. I gave you one last kiss on your forehead. Your body was a little cool. Your warmth was gone. I watched them zip up the bag as they rolled you to the white van. I watched and cried as you took your last ride. I watched until I couldn't see the white of the van any longer. That Monday at 2pm I called the funeral home as I had some questions. I knew you were going to be cremated on that Monday. I asked the director where you were and they said you were currently being cremated. They called me about 4:30pm and said you were ready to be picked up. I cried the whole way there. I cried when I held the box of your remains. I was relieved and happy to have you back with me. I read your death certificate. I have read the sympathy cards I had a funeral service for you on December 7th at 2pm. I spoke at your funeral.

Why??? Why do I still not believe that you are gone. I see your ashes, I have felt your ashes, I had your funeral service then why in the hell do I feel like you are still alive? Is it cause I started mourning you from the day we got your diagnosis in August of 2023?

I am relieved you are no longer hurting or suffering and with God our Father, your dad, your nephew, your cousin. But why do I still not believe you are gone. Is this normal?