I’m puzzled
My love is alzheimer type. In 2021 I went to see his cousin and sister to visit and kind of tell them you have a few years left to get in touch with him. Cousin never called again even for his birthday and his sister once or twice a year. A day late for his birthday. I wished they would have called him once a month. 2 months ago his sister called but I had to call her back because he does not sustain a conversation. She talked about cemetery, residency, home for my love. And where I want to get buried. I told her I was living one day at a time. But she kept trying to ask. How can she be so selfish as to talk about residency. That would mean to worst for me. She almost made me cry. She was on social welfare most of her life but we have money. Now she keeps harassing me to see him. I told her to wait untill spring when winter is over. But she called again last Sunday left a message: I’m coming Tuesday how do we arrange this. I called her back and stalled her untill this weekend but changed my mind. Does she wants money, if I let her in once will she be a pain after. She did have comment on how I was handling things. I am doing well but I don’t need a “special” person like that on top of it all. Will she say that I’m preventing her from seing him?! That’s the last thing I needed this year. Thanks for your insight, experience.
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I would tell her what time to be there and set a time limit for her visit. No more than 2 hours. Tell her he needs his nap. I would not leave her alone with him. Lock up all valuables. His well being is the most important thing.
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Power of Attorney(POA):If the brother's spouse or another trusted person holds a valid Healthcare POA, they can make decisions, including restricting visitors, if the person with dementia lacks capacity and the visitor poses a genuine safety risk or causes significant distress.
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you have an interesting point here, poa. Thanks.
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Agree with Diane that if you have the POA you have to use it, if necessary, to protect your loved one, and yourself, from anyone else, close relatives included. Your loved one is unable to make sound decisions and trusted you to so do for him. It is sad when others come out of the woodwork, as they say, too late and with suspicious motives. Be strong, call upon any resource you need to enforce your decisions in the interest of your loved one. You owe them nothing.
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Thanks for your comment. For me his family is a thing of the past.
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How sad that the people that could be the best supporters can turn out to be the biggest stressors. I cannot offer more advice than you’ve already received and my hopes that things will work out ok for you.
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thanks, what I have on my side is that she live far and evedently has no car. All I have to do is avoid the phone calls. The answering machine is not on. I need the break.
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Not to scare you but check out your state's squatters' law. Where I am, once they move in, it is hell to get them out if they do not want to do so, willingly.
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"How can she be so selfish as to talk about residence. That would mean to worst for me."
If you haven't seen an elder care lawyer , that would be a good thing - unclear if you are married, hold a DPOA and how the house is titled. Why would she have any chance of a claim on the home?
You have a solid idea she is only trying to visit to get in line for assets. It's the flu season , tell her you are restricting vistors but he'd "love" a card you could read to him .
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will do, so far I’m keeping her out.
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The flu is the first reason I’m keeping her away. I’ve learned that the worst of being a caregiver is a caregiver with the flu! When I say residence maybe I’ve should have said residency or home. We are not maried but common law partner and the house is mine. He came to live with me. Thanks for all your insight because I don’t think about these things. I worry about him not money.
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@maugi200
Are you in the U.S.? Most folks here are and will be offering insights based on our legal systems here.
I would still see a legal professional to make sure you are both protected. Marriage— traditional or common law— does not necessarily confer rights to make decisions around finances and/or medical treatment.
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canada, I had no issue taking care of him so far. The paper work for the poa is done but not activated. Will look at what are the benefits of doing so. Thanks.
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It’s good you have a poa. I think I would look into activating the poa. You don’t want to have to figure that out when there is an emergency situation. Best to have it ready to go.
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Do get the poa activated soon! Before sister gets there.
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You get to do what you want!!!!
Her coming to say goodby would mean a hard no from me. I had to keep 2 step children at bay. Never regreted it.
At this point a POA is probably worthless. Get it activated to the DPOA asap.
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after everything you suggested I will definitely stall her til spring and look at the poa process here. Thanks.
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boy I need a crash course on poa dpoa… will do my research shortly. Thanks for the advice.
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This was my first post, so thanks everyone for your input. All your inputs has contributed to make me think about different things.
I feel less alone in this terrible voyage.
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Some DPOA s are active at from the start. There was no need to activate my moms. It all depends on the type you have.
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I will verify that. I’m from canada, montreal. So far it seems that everything is different everywhere.
Thanks for the input.0
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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