Mom refusing to go to Dr appointments

LAIL · December 2025

New here. Mom has ALZ/Dementia and COPD. She is dependent on oxygen concentrator. For years now, Mom has been canceling dr's appointments on the day. Dad, who was her primary caregiver, died in May '25 and my brother and I are trying to care for her in her home. She recently fell and had a gash on her scalp, leading to hospitalization for 1 week and rehab for about 3 weeks. It is a HUGE deal for her to get dressed, let alone get out the door, wait in a waiting room, see a doctor and get home. I suspect much of it is dementia-related anxiety. But how in the world can someone get the medical support they need if they cannot get out of the house? She also has life-long mental illness and personality disorders. I cannot imagine how hard this is going to be when she is no longer taking psychiatric/neurological medications. Anyone else have this problem?

H1235 · December 2025

Welcome. Im glad you found us. I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but maybe it’s time for a facility. It sounds like she needs 24/7 care. Even if you have aides coming in to help, that’s a lot! It also sounds like she has other medical things going on. I’m sure you and your brother are doing your best, but a facility would have trained medical professionals to help her. There would be no need to leave for appointments. Medication could be prescribed more accurately because they would be seeing first hand how she is doing. A facility would also offer the opportunity for her to socialize with people her age and participate in some activities. I hate that there is this negative stigma around putting a loved one in a facility. In my opinion staying home is not always what is best. This route is still a lot of work, regular visits, managing finances, talking with the doctors and care team about concerns, bringing in snacks and supplies. If she is anything like many others with dementia, she is probably not going to want to go. You need to do what is best for her, she is not able to make this important decision for herself. If you are just not ready for this route, could you tell her you are taking her somewhere other than the doctors office? Take her to lunch or for ice cream and then go to the doctor. I would definitely talk with her doctor about the anxiety. If you don’t want to bring it up in front of her, write a note or use her patient portal for communication with the doctor. I hope you can find a solution.

SDianeL · January 1

Welcome. Can her doctors do telehealth visits? You would have to assist her but that’s what I did with my husband. They did want to see him once a year in person. Talk to the doctors offices and tell them don’t cancel the appts. Don’t tell your Mom she has an appt. Promise her for a treat and take her to the doctor. Tell her that her insurance requires she see the doctor. Put her medications in her food if she’s not taking them. She needs 24/7 care. As H1235 said it may be time to place her in a MC facility.

harshedbuzz · January 1

@LAIL

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

I am sorry for the loss of your dad. He probably provided a great deal of scaffolding for your mom which may have given the impression she's doing better than she is. The intersection of dementia and mental health is especially challenging.

While I can appreciate wanting to keep her in her own home, she may no longer be safe living alone. It sounds like she needs more supervision than you and your brother can provide. If she can't afford daily aides, or would fight them, then she'll need to move either with one of you (assuming you can mostly cover her supervision with a few aides) or a MCF.

One advantage to MC is that many have a facility physician who can provide most kinds of care without her having to leave. Dad's MCF had a geriatric specialist, a geri psych, and podiatrist available as well as mobile phlebotomy and X-ray.

Assuming one of you is on her HIPAA paperwork of POA, you could change her contact information so that the offices reach out to you for confirmations and such. Then, you could just show up on the day of and take her there. Telehealth might be useful for you as well.

HB

Anonymousjpl123 · January 1

@LAIL welcome, and while this is the club no one wants to be in there is a lot of good info here. I’m so sorry about the loss of your dad and that you and your brother find yourselves in this position.

Here are a few things that may help.

Do you have Power of Attorney - medical and legal/financial power of attorney (often called durable POA)? This is very important - best to get done soon, ideally before your mom is too far advanced to sign one. It wasn’t as expensive as I thought and most family law attorneys will do it. I told my mom it was part of settling my dad's affairs. This can be useful when you need to speak to your mom’s doctors.

RE: mental health. My mom had mental health issues prior to dementia as well. I wasn’t close to her, and lived six hours away when my dad passed, which is when everyone in the family realized her dementia was way more advanced than we knew. We tried to get her to doctors appointments (another relative lived close to her). She wouldn’t go. I finally got her to go, and she was in denial about everything (which I now know is anasognosia - I’m sure I spelled it wrong - people with dementia don’t grasp what is wrong).

For doctors appointments, as someone here once said: “the first rule of dementia fight club is don’t try to reason with someone whose reasoner is broken.” Tell her she needs to go to keep her health insurance and offer a “treat” afterwards (my mom liked lunch).

I would also read the 35 Hour Day, Tam Cummings, anything about the stages of dementia, and learn as much as you can. Education is your friend in this game. It’s hard and it’s a marathon not a sprint.

Mom refusing to go to Dr appointments

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