Caring for Parent

KB1331 · January 3

My mother has decline cognitively and it is dangerous for her to drive, but she has these outburst about driving and sometimes says she might as well die if she can't drive and be independent.

SDianeL · January 3

welcome. Sorry about your Mom. Your Mom has Anosognosia which is a neurological condition where a person lacks awareness or insight into their own physical or mental disability, often caused by dementia, making them unaware of their deficits, such as memory loss, and leading to resistance to treatment. It's not denial but a genuine impairment. She will never agree to give up her driving. Many here have used the doctor as the bad guy. You might want to speak to her doctor. Some doctors will tell her she should no longer be driving. It is imperative you stop her from driving. She could hurt or kill someone. Her insurance could refuse to pay if she were in an accident even if it’s not her fault. Disable the car, fib to her and say it’s in the shop and parts have been ordered. Move the car where she can’t see it maybe to a family member’s home. Outbursts are common in dementia because she doesn’t understand. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. If your Mom is living alone it may be time to think about her long term care. It’s not safe for her to live alone. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Also search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. Come here often for info and support. We understand.

cheryllarin · January 3

I had the same situation with my mom. She lives in an Independent Living Care Facility.
Two different doctors told her she cannot drive any longer. That didn’t work.
So I took the car key without telling her. We eventually moved the car to our place. Hers & others safety had to override the anger & sense of loss mom felt. It’s been over a year & she will still ask about the car but it’s becoming less & less. The struggle & the guilt are real. I get it but at this point, safety is the priority. P.S. We take mom out 1-2 times per week. That helps with the feelings of isolation.

SiberianIris · January 3

Welcome! I joined alzconnected 2.5 years ago, and my first post was about how guilty I felt when Mom's doctor told her she couldn't drive anymore.

Fortunately Mom had already been in independent living in a CCRC for a few years by her own choice. We used the loss of driving privileges as the reason to hire additional supervision for mom. We told mom this person was her "driver", which went over a lot better than calling them an aid or caregiver.

They started out coming twice weekly in the mornings and took her wherever she wanted to go. Our main request to the agency was for them to either engage with mom or keep busy doing odd jobs around the house, not just sit on the sofa and watch TV or their phone. (Agencies typically have a 4 hour shift minimum.)

Mom didn't like it at first, but they eventually won her over. She began calling these "drivers" her "friends" and began looking forward to them coming. Family made periodic drop in visits to make sure the people were the right fit for Mom.

As her dementia progressed, we added additional coverage. She would tell me "I used to think I didn't need anyone coming to help, but now I don't know what I'd do without them." When it got to the point she needed 24/7 care, we moved her to memory care. The transition to MC has been better than I ever expected. I think by getting her used to the idea of having help come in small doses at first went a long way towards that.

H1235 · January 3

Welcome you have been given great advice. As others have said she will probably never understand she is not capable of driving. I’ll attach a link about anosognosia. Ideally her doctor would tell her it’s not safe to drive, but I believe some doctors are hesitant to take this freedom away and prefer to leave it to family. If anger, anxiety and depression from this continues to be a problem then you might want to talk with her doctor about medication. You know your mom best. Get creative and think of a story that would explain why she can’t drive it or better yet where it is. One of her grand kids needed to borrow it, there is a factory recall, make it not start, then take it in for repair. Once the car is gone, avoid any conversation about it. I would even avoid talking about your own car for fear it might cause problems. Thankfully mom got over not driving fairly quickly, but she is/was mad as hornet about moving out of her house. When you are forced to take other forms of independence away I would consider this same approach. Do you have a DPOA. This is very important. If she is still living alone it’s probably time to start thinking about other arrangements for 24/7 care if you haven’t done that already.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

KB1331 · January 6

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/262551#Comment_262551

Yes, I DPOA. She stay in an independent living community and I am in the process of getting her a part-time caregiver to assist with task like medication management.

SDianeL · January 6

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/262799#Comment_262799

you may want to move her to memory care which is a locked facility. In an AL they only check on them periodically. She could leave and wander off. There was report recently of a PWD walking out of AL at 3am and they found him deceased.

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