DH somewhat aware of his mental state - how do you respond?

shiawase12 · January 4

Hi everyone, I'm here again partly to vent and partly to see if anyone has any insight.

My DH, diagnosed with Alz over a year ago <but I noticed signs over 3 years before that> and showing signs of being in stage 5. He still takes care of his personal care just fine and even does small chores around the house still.

With that said, he talks more and more about his mental state and how he feels about it. He'll often tell me he's having a bad day mentally. He'll ask me for help with things, especially tech matters. Then apologizes and says he feels bad that I have to help him. How he hates it, but doesn't want to screw anything up so says he'll always ask if he needs help. <which we all know is a nice thought, but won't last>

He'll talk about how he used to be able to do something, but hates that he now can't, then he'll follow with "Do you know how scary that is?" I try to reassure him that I'm here, I get it and usually give him a hug.

He talks about how they are taking alot about cures for this and if there were a pill he'd want to take it. Then the "How will we know when they have it?" I just tell him that I subscribe to the Alz site and they'll let us know.

I try to be supportive and help kindly, but often get the "I can tell you hate this" or "I know you're thinking he's getting worse." And my favorite <yes, being sarcastichere> "I'm still in here, I'm not an idiot!"

I'm sure most of you have probably experienced similar things in your caregiving.

He says and acts like he misses me if I'm not always doing something with him or talking to him. Which makes me feel guilty when I'm not. Lately I've even been ignoring needing to sit at my computer to get personal business done. Ughhh

Thank goodness we're retired, but I still want to have an hour or two each day to keep up on our personal business and start back in on memory books I'm putting together.

These few hours after DH falls asleep and I stay up, in bed on my phone watching a movie or visiting this site is my "me" time. Not healthy and not sustainable.

Yup, definitely feel that quiet cracking.

Thank you all for being here.

sfrsythe · January 4

i’m right there with you!!!!

RetiredTeacher · January 4

My DH doesn't seem to want to talk about his illness. He still does most of HIS ADLs independently but is emotionally needy wanting me to spend every moment with him. I'm feeling smothered and have been quietly cracking for a long time. He is still safe to be hime alone but i am trying to develop a daily schedule where we can spend mornings together but after lunch I get time to myself DAILY. I like to sew, read, exercise, take the dogs for a walk,I just need time for me outside of dementia world. My health has been negatively impacted due to stress of the last 8 yrs. I'm hoping I can stand firm and execute my plan on a daily basis. I'm sure he will try to come in the sewing room and just sit and watch me or find reasons to interrupt my exercise or sewing time but I am losing who I am and need time for normalcy. He has not been accepting of hired companionship and refuses to go to a day program. I'm sure there are others who feel like I do.

sandwichone123 · January 4

As he was entering stage 5, my dh became less aware of his decline. When they're unaware that has its own challenges, but I think right now you're in the most difficult stage in some ways. This too will pass.

krcare · January 4

I’m new to this sight.
My experience is that it is heartbreaking to hear my LO requesting a cure for her AD. We are past that now and she relies on me for her safety and care.

Gator1976 · January 4

My LW has been coming to me crying, asking me why I don’t lover anymore, or ask me if I hate her, or I see her crying in bed at bed time when I walk in saying she’s worried about her future. She’s has all of a sudden gotten interested in sex again, after 10 yrs not. Then doesn’t understand why I’m not dropping everything to jump into bed with her when she asks at any hour of the day or night. She has no comprehension of what my day has been, how long I’ve been up or how poorly I’ve felt the last few days or what I did all day. My day starts 2 hrs before she gets up and ends when I take the dogs out for their last relief trip outside. After 9:00pm and she going to bed. These mood swings, changes in personality are surprising me to the point of not knowing how to handle them. As a point of reference, we will have been married 50 yrs this next June and am 70+ yrs old.
‘anyone experience this? How do you handle it?

trottingalong · January 4

My husband asks the same questions and makes the same comments. He knows something is seriously wrong, knows he can’t figure things out or comprehend detailed explanations or descriptions. This scares him at times. He keeps telling me he is his mother (who did have dementia).

SDianeL · January 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/262645#Comment_262645

talk to her doctor about medication for depression and anxiety. Be specific about her behaviors. Certain dementias cause hypersexuality. Talk to her doctor about that too. So sorry you are going through this.

harshedbuzz · January 5

@shiawase12

Oof. A lot of people really struggle with the idea and the reality of the later stages of dementia, but your situation demonstrates that sometimes the harder stages are earlier when your LO is aware of what is happening. It was that way for us to a degree.

As challenging as anosognosia can make caregiving for us, it is a blessing for our LOs.

HB

DH somewhat aware of his mental state - how do you respond?

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