Finding my place

Melissalinger1976 · January 5

Hello, new here. As an adult child my mom is newly diagnosed with ALZ. They mentioned moderate stage at this point. She is now on meds for her mood swings and aggression. Yet she is still having bad days. I also should mention she is married to my stepdad of 30+ yrs. He refuses to see the bigger picture of all the above. There is a 16yr age difference with them as well (9yrs my senior). I have tried to explain to him what all this means, but I feel he is brushing it under the rug. Mom has limited social security, and he now is working at a local gas station after working many years under the table, so their income is very limited. Is there a way I can get my mom signed up with Medicaid and possible for SNAP without his approval. His ego is not understanding any of this and what our future as a family might look like. I am just trying to get a plan in place, so mom is well taken care of.

pamu · January 5

When I submitted my mom's application for Medicaid in the state of NH, we had to submit a lot of household financial info. Is his financial life combined with hers…banking, mortgage/rent, expenses? If so, my guess is that his info will have to be included/reported. You will want to contact your mom's state Medicaid department and/or Dept of Aging for that information directly. There may be a way for her to qualify individually for some benefits. If not, they can probably steer you in the right direction.

H1235 · January 5

Welcome. Sorry you need to be here. Do you have a durable power of attorney. If not I would see a lawyer as soon as possible. You might want to talk with the lawyer about Medicaid as well. Even if you have the DPOA I’m not sure how that would work if her husband isn’t on board. A lawyer can be expensive. I would recommend learning all you can before the meeting to avoid the lawyer spending excess time explaining the basics and so you will be able to know what questions to ask. Is she home alone while he is working? That might not be safe for her. Even if it’s safe now, it won’t be for long. Too soon she will need 24/7 care. Most doctors use (I think) 3 stages when discussing progression. Most of us here prefer the more detailed dbat(I’ve attached a link). Maybe if her husband sees this it might help him see reality. I agree with you that plans should be made. If a facility is necessary, there can often be a waiting list to get in. Some people just want to stick their head in the sand and avoid facing reality as long as possible. Would he listen to her doctor. Could you attend an appointment and ask questions about the future or the current level of care she needs to kind of force the issue. I’m not sure how you can get through to him, but if you have the DPOA it will give you some power if she is not getting the care she needs. I have attached a few resources that might be helpful.

DBAT.pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-income-chart/

Quilting brings calm · January 6

I had a mom with dementia and a stubborn step-dad in denial too. He made taking care of my mom much more difficult than otherwise. My situation was different than yours in that they were close in age, weren’t needing Medicaid and I got them moved into assisted living in our home state ( after an emergency move from the state they had moved to).

There’s a saying here that you might have to wait for the crisis - and that’s how I got them in assisted living. It sucks, but it might be all you are allowed to do.

I found that having someone else explain stuff to him worked better than me doing it. I attended all their doctor appointments and the doctor would back me up- ‘ No, Bill, you two can’t move into your own place because your wife might set the kitchen on fire by forgetting to turn the stove off’. So you might attend her doctor appointments with him using the excuse of ‘I will be your note taker while you concentrate on talking to the doctor’. Offer to handle the online portal to the doctor … I communicates with them a lot that way

You should do the Medicaid research - make sure you understand the difference between home Medicaid and institutional Medicaid. Also remember he would be a community spouse. He would be entitled to keep a certain amount of assets and income is she went into a Medicaid facility. Once you know your facts you could start slipping in points in conversation . Or by telling a story about your neighbor or your co-worker’s parents

Finding my place

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