How to handle my frustrations

Jayne M · January 12

My husband has lost his short term memory. I get frustrated with being asked the same questions and topics. Need advice or tips. Thank you

eligius · January 12

just keep repeating as needed. Pray for patience, it helps

Call me Gram · January 12

Distraction sometimes helps, as well. DH was repeating the same question over and over for nearly an hour. I asked him to play a game of rummy and the questions relented. I was also pleased to find that he could still play cards. :)

trottingalong · January 12

My mother in law would ask the same question (verbatim) over and over again. On our visits I would casually answer her and my husband would get irritated at his mom telling her she just asked that question. For a split second she would be stressed and then lo and behold she would repeat the question again. Now my husband is there. I try to give as short of an answer as I can to satisfy him and not get me irritated. I take deep breaths and remind myself that he can’t help it. And sometimes I answer and then tell him I have to go fold a load of laundry, or run upstairs for a moment, anything to leave the room for a few minutes. It gives us both a breather and sometimes stops the questioning.

SDianeL · January 13

welcome. Sorry about your husband. Learn all you can about the disease so you can help him. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. They are helpful. This will continue because his memory is gone. You can try distraction, redirection or a treat. Ice cream worked for my husband. He can’t help it. It’s the disease. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Never argue with someone with dementia. It will only increase his anxiety. Get in his world. Fib if you must. Come here often for info and support or to vent. We understand what you’re going through. You are not alone. 💜

harshedbuzz · January 13

@Jayne M

The repetition is one of those things that doesn't seem so bad on paper until you're the one living it.

Understanding the behavior helped me be more compassionate. For me, this short freebie-download was helpful in wrapping my mind around the "why?".

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580?im_ref=XSKUYtXu6xycRk0y1MzP-zYSUkpXZTSFw1hIQY0&sharedid=EdgeBingFlow&irpid=2003851&irgwc=1&afsrc=1

Two other strategies work for many. One is to script a response to each question and use it verbatim each time the question is asked. Think of yourself as a chatbot in the moment. Doing this relieves you of any real mental effort in coping with the behavior which saves energy for better uses.

Another, more playful approach, is to meet the repetition as improv and answering it differently every time.

HB

CindyBum · January 13

It is so frustrating. Honestly, I think time and my own embarrassment at letting my frustration show finally did it for me. The hurt on my DW’s face when I snapped at her one time was a lightbulb moment.

It forced me to really think about how I was going to approach all of this. It’s about the truest letting go of “sweating the small stuff” I’ve ever done in my life. I’m so grateful for it. I have been a person so focused on getting details right and being right, that it got in my way and I realized there’s so much I don’t have to give a damn about. What a relief, but I spent months practicing it and failing. I still fail occasionally, but it’s rare now. Just keep at it and forgive yourself when you act in a way you don’t like, then make a note that you will have a different answer or tone next time.

How to handle my frustrations

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