Suggestions on making the move to MC

ierickson · January 16

My father has been the primary caretaker for my 78 y/o mom for the last 5 years of her Alzheimer's diagnosis. A daily routine was working "well" in that it was predictable, and her ability to live in a well-managed environment was working as good as one might expect. In the past 3 months however, she has experienced delusions that include infidelity on the part of my father. There appears to be no getting past this point. So much so, that she will repeatedly call me 8+ times an hour, crying, begging, pleading with me to "get her out of here." After a number of really difficult conversations with my dad, we agreed that the best course of action would be to move my mom into a long term memory care facility. I explained to my mom that I had arranged an apartment for her where she would be safe and have some day-to-day help. She "agreed" in that moment to that course of action.

Yesterday we had the initial MC assessment performed to determine the care level my mom would require. We were extremely careful about referring to this as an apartment and emphasizing the independence and safety she would have in this new environment. Needless to say, it didn't go according to plan. Of course, in the space of an hour, my mom did not remember the discussion I had with her about the living arrangement, and a new person was in her home asking probing questions about her wants, needs, bathing requirements, etc. It was not appreciated by her at all. In the space of about 90 minutes, my mom became the most angry and violent I have ever seen. "F*** you, and you." "I hope you rot in hell." "Take a good look, this is the last you will ever see me. The next time I ever want to see you is when I'm dead." "I hate you." "Get me out of here." "I just want to die." "Just kill me. If you don't I will."

I finally broke down last night. I know it's the disease but that's little consolation in the midst of her rage. I'm not certain that I can stomach another interaction like that.

The concern of course is that there is more to come, and now my dad and I need to navigate the process of moving my mom from her home to the care facility more than an hour away. I'm looking for any helpful suggestions that others may have about how to approach the move, strategies they have used, etc. Does it make sense to attempt to have her help pack her important items? Do I do it in secret? How do I get her into a car? Upon arrival, is there anything that makes the introduction to her new space better? I don't necessarily want to lie, but I also don't want her to throw herself from a moving vehicle or something equally as horrific.

H1235 · January 17

Welcome. So sorry you are going through this. It sound like you are taking good care of both your parents. Too often the caregiver (your dad) end up suffering health issues because of all of this. It’s good you are looking out for him as well as her. Dementia is an absolute nightmare! You may want to look up the term therapeutic fib. If a lie (therapeutic fib) can keep her from getting angry and ease her suffering in some way, in my opinion it’s worth it. I would not include her in the packing. My brother insisted mom should be able to pack what she wanted for Al. You would not believe what she packed- cookbook, king size sheets, clothes that didn’t fit …. Her logic and ability to reason is extremely limited. She had been living with my brother at the time, so we took her to her house to discuss what furniture and things she would want to bring. All she wanted to do was pull weeds in her garden and insisted she needed to wash the living room curtains. This was a move to Al. She was not happy about the move, but accepted it. Can you tell her you found a different place for her? Will she even remember the evaluation? Some here have had success taking their lo to lunch while other family members move everything in, then bring her to her room that is all set and ready for her after lunch. If you haven’t already I would discuss this behavior with her doctor. Medication for anxiety or an increase may be needed. After she settles in to the new environment and routine you may even see some minor improvements 🤞.
As far as the actual move, I wouldn’t bring too many personal things (nick nacks). Avoid bringing anything irreplaceable or valuable. Things can come up missing. You can always bring more in later. I would recommend putting name tags on all her clothes if they don’t do that. Don’t send anything that’s not washer and dryer safe. Stains will probably not be pretreat, so I found light colors didn’t work. If she is still able to dress herself I would keep things simple with most tops matching most pants. I hope everything goes well.

SDianeL · January 17

welcome. So sorry you are going through this. First thing I learned here is that you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. No need to discuss anything with your Mom. The facility will help with the transition. They should have an intake nurse and Social Worker available. When I placed my husband the facility suggested we create a fib and bring him to lunch. My daughter went with us. We told him we were meeting a friend of hers for lunch. Once seated we each excused ourselves for different reasons and left. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was the best for him. The nurse explained that he needed to stay there awhile while I had tests run which was true. He settled in quickly. They let him call me once a day. They told me to wait 2 weeks until I visited and then come at meal time. Maybe tell her that her doctor wants her to stay there for rehab for a few days. Keep repeating the fib. Keep us posted. Meanwhile read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which will explain the disease and tips on caring for her.

terei · January 17

You dont have her pack anything. Have it there, or bring it later. Possibly have a suitcase put in the trunk. Get her in the car ‘we are going out to lunch’. Drive to the facility to arrive there at lunchtime with the knowledge of the staff. Have lunch. You can tell her then that the doctor has said she has to stay here for assessments or treatment or therapy or whatever ‘til she is better’ . One of you leave and the staff should show her around and see her room etc. The remaining person(you) tell her you will see her ‘soon’ and leave. Don’t draw it out.

Telling her anything in advance is just inviting protracted conflict. The explanation you give her should be the one that keeps her as calm as possible. If you really think she is going to explode when you leave, you might consider talking to her dr about a med that could calm her a bit to take the edge off or even make her a bit sleepy. Ideally, she should not have a phone. The staff will call at any emergency. Don’t worry, the staff has seen it all before. Good luck.

Suggestions on making the move to MC

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