Beginning to Resent My Mom

rosecoloredglasses · January 18

Hello everybody! My dear spouse recommended I write about my recent feelings in here to vent, maybe get some more insight. I am 26 and am the main caretaker for my mom for about 5 years now since her Alzheimer's diagnosis in 2022. Her main "team" is myself, my spouse, and my best friend who moved in with us. I realized I don't like when my mom hugs me or touches me, because my psyche is turning all of my frustration with life on her. I need her disability money to keep a roof over our heads so social programs or MC is not an option, as I do not trust any of the state-insurance covered places I've spoken to thus far. I take care of my mom because I adore her and need her disability to take care of herself and myself as I can't work due to being in school, to try and get a career where I can make enough money to afford life enrichment programs for my mom that I feel safe putting her in. I can't get a break because I don't have money and if I can't make more money I'll never get a break. The anger is starting to pour out into wincing when my mom wants a hug, getting frustrated at my friends and spouse that they have "more freedoms," fury against my mother's family for not doing s**t. I feel like I'm trapped, and I'll never have true freedom unless I either make a bunch of money or, when she passes. I'm so scared and frustrated and most of all want to stop feeling uncomfortable around my mama.

Jeff H · January 18

Love your mother above all else! It's not her fault she has this terrible disease. If your mom is still trying to hug you, you need to embrace that. That will be a fleeting moment with this disease. You could ask your spouse for more support. Your friends should understand the hardships you are going through. She's your mother, above all else!

Victoriaredux · January 18

You are young to have so much on your plate - school, caregiving , wondering what employment will look like in a changing world economy and the joys and give&take of a young marriage.

The Alz Assoc has no cost social workers who can listen and offer support and options- link below. People have reported good things after talking with them. Gather facts or get support .

You do have options , it feels like you are cornered - but in a circle- with no exit —but you do. I understand the don't touch me - I'm guessing it's not disliking your Mom - it's just you are max'd out. So the person you expect to hug you and say "there there things will get better" is the person through no fault has turned your life upside down.

Have you talked to your school if there are any financial support options ? Go to a work one quarter -classes the next to get income? Night class, stopping out for a year and stockpiling cash with a job and gig jobs. Push them to be creative. You mention wanting to make money to provide life enrichment programs for your Mom- her disability money could be used for that now . As time goes by they will not be of much or any value to her so don't postpone for a tomorrow that was yesterday .

At some point your Mom may go into the bedridden needing steady 24/7 support stage -are you ready for that - so you may want to make visits in person to see the homes medicaid will pay for. Many places ask for a period of private pay before they open a medicaid bed so if you call them and say Medicaid from the first day they may not be exactly marketing themselves to you over the phone.

Ask the Alz Assoc folks how to get admitted as medicaid from the first . You can talk to a private care managers too - see if they can help—not the employment or referral services type - but a person who manages things for folks who can't - they'll know what places may work or other places to ask for help. Don't have to do anything today - but then you'd have researched some options.

[Did you ever get a DPOA financial and Health care for your Mom- at some point you'll need them most likely. ]

Going through what you are going through now isn't fun but you are learning skills , time management , finances , that will help you in the future.

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SDianeL · January 18

Caring for a loved one with dementia is overwhelming even in the best of circumstances. We understand how you feel. You aren't frustrated with your Mom, you are angry at the disease. You are angry that it has robbed you of so much. That's normal. Try to separate your anger at dementia from your Mom. It's not her fault. She needs your love now more than ever. Although PWD may not remember who you are or your name, I believe they remember you are someone they love and that they love you. Don't take out your frustrations on her. Get you a punching bag and write dementia on it and punch away. In reality, due to the progression of the disease, your Mom may not live long enough for you to finish school & get a good job. Try to focus on what you can do now. Work part time, school part time, look into day care for elderly in your area, and start looking into memory care facilities. Most people can't care for someone with dementia 24/7 without help. Sorry, but you may have no choice but to place her. We're here for you whenever you need to vent. Hugs. 💜

H1235 · January 18

I think the assumption that living with and being cared for by family will always be the best option, is not true. You are taking on too much. You’re being run ragged. A facility will have professional caregivers (that are not over stressed and at wits end), activities and other people your moms age for her to talk to. I don’t mean to be insulting, i know it’s hard. Try to recognize your limits vs fighting a loosing battle. Unfortunately in most states Medicaid will only cover a nursing home. A nursing home has been good for my mom. You may need to consider Medicaid for yourself as well if you are dependent on her income. I have attached a link that may be helpful.

https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-income-chart/

Michele P · January 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75120/beginning-to-resent-my-mom

I understand your frustration. Call your local Council for the Aging and find out what services are available. I can tell you from experience- losing my mother at age 18- it is a loss that stays with you forever. I would have given anything to have my mother alive to care for in her old age. The mother you love is still here. Just keep loving her. I respect and applaud you for stepping up and doing what others have walked away from. Ask for help from those who are in a position to help you.

Beginning to Resent My Mom

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