Admitting Dad to a Memory Care Facility

Welcome. Sorry you need to be here. Unfortunately people just assume that the best care for a loved one is going to come from family. I don’t think this is always the case. Mc will have a trained staff, activities and possibly a nurse or doctor that visits regularly to avoid him having to get out. Staff has seen the things you are struggling with before and will be able to manage without the anxiety and strong emotions you and your sister are feeling. The experience they bring to the table will make things easier on him. This will also free you up to be the loving son and daughter rather than the caregiver trying to convince him he needs to shower. Mc does not mean you can just drop him off and you’re done. There is still a lot to do. Consulting with doctors, talking with staff about problems that come up, managing finances and making sure he has snack or supplies not covered by mc. A mc facility is going to have a structure and routine (hard to do at home) that will give him some comfort. Some facilities can have a waiting list, so I would start looking soon.

Hi @Megamom22 , I'm glad you found this place. The best way to start finding the best care for him is to visit several places. They're more different from each other than you might expect, and by visiting a few you learn what questions to ask. While activities are often a big draw, he may or may not be able to benefit from them at this point.

Memory care offers trained staff who have days off and work by shift, so they can often be much more patient than family members who are trying to do it all with no days off, sometimes in addition to other jobs. They also have the whole place set up in such a way to benefit dementia patients, which can sometimes decrease the risk of falls.

I think in most mc facilities there will probably have a traveling doctor that comes to him. If you ask you can find out when that is and be there for the appointment. I would think any changes to medication would need to be approved by the DPOA. In Al mom got angry with me (she could handle it herself)if i attended doctors appointments. The doctor called me after the appointment and went over everything with me. In both Al and the nursing home there has been an online patient portal that allows me to see what is happening. As I said you will still need to be involved. I would ask prospective mc facilities how this works.

Good question to ask the MCF is what mobile providers do they provide: podiatrist, eye doctor, dentist, barber/stylist, mobile lab, are common ones. Even if you're not ready now, at some point in his journey, you may choose to utilize these services. Also ask if they provide transportation to appointments, some do. But you can still take him to appointments yourselves.

Most MCF will have a general practitioner that will make house calls to the facility. My dad has an NP that visits every 4-8 weeks and a geriatric doctor that sees him 1-2 times a year. They also do labs, urinalysis, x-rays, etc. He still goes out for specialists.

Don't second guess yourselves at all, no one can do this without help. You're still caregivers, just in a different role.

In short, I didn't. She was in late stage 5 at the time, so any explanation wasn't going to be understood or remembered very well.

For the day of the move, I scheduled her for an appointment at the beauty shop - hair, mani/pedi, and afterwards my brother took her to a long lunch. While that was going on, the movers came to load her bedroom furniture and transfer it to the memory care. I packed some clothes and toiletries and headed over to MC to set everything up. We had to work fast, because doing anything ahead of time would have been upsetting for her.

When she arrived at the MC, I and one of the staff (who is very experienced with move-ins) met her at the door and said "The doctor wants you to stay here for a little while for some advanced physical therapy." I only brought enough of her stuff to go along with the story that she's there for a short time. Since she's settled in, I periodically bring some more clothes and personal items.

Since she had been undergoing PT to help with her balance and walking, and she loves PT, this went over pretty well. As she was being introduced to other MC staff, I faded into the background and let them take it from there.

A move is hard for anyone, and harder for someone with dementia, so give it time. For the first few weeks, she needed additional medication to calm her. She is now back to just Lexapro.

I have some additional posts about our journey into MC - just do a search for my username. Good luck!

Here is a helpful video from Rachel Wonderlin, one of my favorite dementia care experts:

I just want to say that MC has been great for my extremely elderly LO. Not only is she getting excellent care but she is in a community of her peers and recognized as an independent member so when she was capable of it, she had some social engagement and made some friends after becoming increasingly isolated and withdrawn at home where her friends had died or moved orher deficits were too overwhelming and her circle had drifted away and gotten smaller and smaller

Even now on hospice, and having days where she is withdrawn and less responsive, there are still people she likes and people she doesn't like which is in itself stimulating. She enjoys the live music they have and the singing even if she doesn't participate. She even surprised us by participating in a balloon game.

One thing that helped a lot, that we didn't start right away, was to encourage them not to let her sit in her room. For the 1st year she mostly came out for meals but watched TV and did solitary things in her room. Once she had a fall, I asked them to keep her out of the room and in the common area. Well that turned out to be a big win. She interacted more and was definitely less isolated and happier.

Every family and person is different, but for her, when her dementia was less advanced and she was stronger, being in MC instead of in a family member's home definitely made her feel more independent. This has always been a hot button with her.

I feel we are extremely fortunate and during the many years of fear and struggle to get our LO safe and get things under control and lurching from crisis to crisis, I would not have predicted this.