Mother to Mother

staceyw27 · January 21

Hi everyone,
My name is Stacey. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year at 64 years old. We saw signs for a few years now looking back, but we always just chalked it up to anxiety symptoms.

My mom is my best friend and I am having such a hard time with this diagnosis. Since last year, things have really progressed and it’s hard to not feel negative about it all the time. I keep telling myself “this is the best she’s ever going to be is today”.

I recently had my first baby - a girl, with my mom’s middle name. It has been so incredibly difficult to become a mom while losing my mom in the process. I feel like I missed out on such a beautiful connection for us to be moms together. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here but just feel so alone. I look at my daughter everyday and know exactly how my mom feels about me. And I know she is still in there but it has been so very hard.

SDianeL · January 21

welcome. I’m so sorry about your Mom. You are not alone. This is the place for info and support. We understand how you feel. This disease robs us of so much. The sadness can be overwhelming. Congratulations on your baby daughter. One day you will tell her about her Grandma. Keep your Moms memory alive for that reason. Come here often. Hugs. 💜

psg712 · January 22

My heart goes out to you. I became a mom much later in life than most women do. I was so excited to tell my mom that she would finally be a grandma, something we had both accepted would never happen. When I told her, she was absolutely flat. No joy. At that time we didn't yet know she had dementia, but now I believe she was in early stage at that time. I was hurt but assumed she was just not approving our choice to adopt at an older age. She just didn't have emotional capacity for a natural reaction.

Once the baby was in front of her, she did express some enjoyment of him. She kept a photo book in her purse and walked around her neighborhood showing it to people repeatedly. She is advanced stage now, in a memory care facility. She cannot say his name or tell anyone that he is her grandson, but she lights up when she sees him come to visit. I am thankful that she can enjoy him.

I do however relate to your loss of the "mother to mother" experience with her. I have never been able to share feelings with her along the stages of mothering an infant, toddler, preschool and now an adolescent child. I had to ask advice of other moms, sometimes my peers whose children were older than mine, sometimes of women my mother's age, but not my own mom who raised me. It's definitely been one of the losses for me in my mom's journey with dementia. I encourage you to look for experienced moms that you trust, and enjoy the moments that you can with your own mom. Hugs for you. You are not alone in your struggle!

ESkayP · January 22

One of the hardest things about this disease was seeing my daughters lose their grandmother. My father died unexpectedly when the girls were still very young, but they have good memories. It's different with my mother, though. My daughters are older now (early to mid-twenties), and they saw my mother fade slowly away knowing there wasn't anything they could do about it. I feel blessed that I got to share the mothering experience with my mom before dementia took hold, but the pain of losing that connection when she began to forget who we were was debilitating. In some ways, my girls became more attentive to me because they saw what the loss was doing to my emotional well-being. There just is no viable way to get through this journey unscathed. I'm truly sorry that you are having to process this situation with your mother so young. My heart goes out to you.

Merla · January 26

I first began to worry about dementia in my mom when my oldest child was born but hoped it was just normal aging. And 4 years later my younger child was born and my mom had clear signs of dementia. And it just felt overwhelming because not only will you not have the support of your mom as you become a mom but you will have responsibility of caring for her though hopefully she has a spouse or other kids and family to help with her care. It's just sad but also some people with dementia really enjoy their grandkids so they are still present in their lives just in a different way than what would have been.

I'm sorry, it is sad and it's a big loss. I feel like a weirdo visiting my parent in memory care because most adult kids are so much older though then again I'm sure my parent feels the same that she doesn't belong.

Mother to Mother

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