How to respond / deal with the almost obsessive past work talk

shiawase12 · January 23

My DH was diagnosed with Alz over a year ago. As with most of us I was noticing signs for 3 years prior to diagnosis. I'd say he's into early stage 5. He is still able to care for himself and do most things around the house.

Of course he repeats his past stories, and asks alot of repeated questions. I'm dealing with those things for the most part.

What is getting to me of late is that anything he hears and conversations we have somehow loop back to him talking about his past work stories. He has been retired for about 4 years now.

Anything I mention / even just starting a simple conversation almost always has him going on and on about what he did at work.

Of course those work stories are becoming more and more about how he did everything right and those "idiots" didn't know what they were doing etc.

Even when something I start a conversation about has nothing to do with his work story he somehow seems to think it's related.

Honestly I'm having such a hard time acting engaged in the conversation when I've heard them 1000 times and those stories are becoming bigger and bigger (details aren't true). I find lately I'm just saying "un huh" or "yup" while continue to do whatever I'm doing.

Just exhausting. :(

cavenson · January 23

I imagine a lot of us can relate to your irritation and frustration at being a captive audience of work stories that keep getting embellished. The ones my DH keeps repeating go back to when he was in the military, and he retired over 40 years ago. I can’t imagine how the Navy has survived without him. I figure the stories support his feelings of self-worth; so it makes him feel good to tell them. He’s not looking for a conversation—just the occasional “un huh” that you say works fine. If I’m not busy, I pretend to listen and think of other things. If his monologue has lasted for over a half-hour, I may escape with the excuse that I have something I have to do. I tell him to put a bookmark in it so I can hear more another time. A plus is that when he is angry at me about something, if he starts talking about his time in the military, it calms him down. I try to remind myself that of all the AD behaviors that we cope with, this one is really rather benign.

Sunfish47 · January 23

Haha yep, my DH (84 yrs old) is still obsessed with his IT career. Every time I sit down at my laptop, I have to hear ad nauseum about how he was an early designer of government computer systems. Except with his aphasia and inability to communicate his thoughts - it’s frustrating for me, as he just can’t get the words out (although I do know what he’s trying to say). I know he feels useless these days and I try to be patient.
Where did my intelligent witty husband go ??

SDianeL · January 24

It's very common. When their short term memory is going, they revert back to older memories. My husband talked about his service in the Marine Corps in Vietnam. When I placed him in a VA memory care facility, one day we were sitting in the screened in patio and he told me he had to go to "work"… I asked if he wanted to go back to his room and he said yes. It seemed urgent. Once we turned down the hall toward his room he saw a group of patients (veterans) at the end of the hall and he smiled this huge smile and raised his hand and waved to them. My daughter was with me and I told her that he thought talking to them was his "work". I knew then that he was in the right place. Sadly soon he stopped talking altogether and I found myself wishing he would talk about his service or talk about anything again. 😪

harshedbuzz · January 24

@shiawase12

I recall this phase well. Around the late middle/early-late stages of dad's dementia, he was doing the same. IME with dad, this behavior was driven by his lack of empathy, tendency to conflate events to frame himself as hero of all situations, lack of social filter as well as memory loss. He seemed to time travel in this era going so far as to gossip about coworkers, conflate stories about his students and demand mom produce the cool ensembles he went for in the late 1970s.

During this time, he had a handful of very scripted "top hits" on repeat that he would share with anyone. This was not only tiresome, but there were also times when I would feel embarrassed for him telling stories in which he saved the day or worse implicated himself in stories that would get him on the news today.

We mostly just nodded pleasantly and redirected with a snack.

HB

Maru · January 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75175/how-to-respond-deal-with-the-almost-obsessive-past-work-talk

Yep. DH has quite literally talked to an audience of captive but respectful adult grandchildren for an hour non-stop about his whole career journey…and has repeated that long story to the same grandkids over and over, and even to me. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I gently remind him that I was there and was familiar with the events or that so and so really needs to leave. It doesn't always work.

It is when other caretakers talk about these things that I am reminded that DH is not normal and that he does have a broken brain. I am so appreciative when caretakers take the time to tell their stories as it validates mine.

jehjeh · January 25

My DH passed away 6 months ago but this conversation brought back a lot of memories. He used to tell stories to people who didn't know him well. He built himself up so much that people were always very impressed with all that he had accomplished. Later, I would find a way to explain to them in private that many of the things he said were not entirely accurate. I look back on those moments now and they make me smile. The thing is, he really did have many great experiences in his life but was unable to tell those stories anymore. I learned how to half listen while doing something else, just responding now and then, which made him happy.

shiawase12 · January 25

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments and sharing of your experiences. I too am helped knowing I'm not alone.

I have to add that I think some of my feelings on this is that I can see he's progressing. Each and every day something occurs to remind me that he's deep into this journey.

So thank you again for being here. I find myself wishing I could be at my desk on my computer so I could respond to each and everyone of you more properly ... but the reality is that the only time I find to be here is in bed after he's asleep. So it's difficult to type much on my phone. I am still grateful for the "me" time I get.

Thanks..

How to respond / deal with the almost obsessive past work talk

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