Need to move mom; don't know where to start...

leighcg1 · January 25

Hi,

Hoping for some guidance from those who have lived it.

Need to move my mom out of her home (she refuses) due to decreasing cognitive abilities (dementia).
She lives 8 hours away in the middle of nowhere, with no facilities to move into in her community (rural, northern MI).
She has too much money to qualify for help, but not enough to pay privately for more than 1-2 years.
I live in Chicago; she likes visiting here but does not want to live with us (I'm the only option b/c my brother won't do anything and the rest of her family has passed).
She needs to live somewhere with a community and activities, minimal help initially, a Christian setting is especially important to her.

I don't know where to start…how do I convince? where should she go? what are the options there? Any resources to work through these issues would be most appreciated.

Thank you!

psg712 · January 26

I would start by looking into assisted living facilities near you. Do it without telling her. Many facilities have wait lists so better to start now. Find out which facilities accept Medicaid. Often there will be a requirement for a certain time of private pay before they will.take Medicaid.

Do you have power of attorney for her? This will help greatly as her disease progresses and she needs you to manage her finances and health care.

I did this with my mom almost four years ago. She was 8 hours from me too. I had everything in place before I told her that she had to come with me and stay nearby. She was not happy but she did not refuse when I presented it as a done deal. Truthfully, once she was settled, it was a relief for her not to have to handle a house, shopping, cooking, finances. I chose a facility that also had a memory care unit, knowing that would eventually be needed. She is now in that MC unit.

It's really hard to uproot your parent from her home and community. But as dementia progresses, it will matter less to her what town she lives in. It will matter much more that you are nearby for support and security.

H1235 · January 26

Welcome. Do you have a DPOA? If not, make it a priority. I would suggest telling her it’s just something that needs to be done now that she is getting older. Don’t bring up her symptoms, that will just upset her. If you already have a DPOA that’s great. With the DPOA you should be able to act on her behalf and move her. My mom was furious with me, but she went along with the move. Some people tell their loved one it’s temporary rehab until she is feeling stronger or spin assisted living as a retirement community. Whatever fib she might buy into. Many with dementia have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. There is probably nothing you can say that will convince her she is not save to live in her home. Trying to convince her will only cause problems. Living with you probably won’t work for long. Way too quickly being home alone while you’re at work will not be safe for her. My mom lived with my brother and sitting home alone by herself while he was a work was not good for her. I would recommend you look for an assisted living near you. This will still require a lot of work on your part. Communicating with doctors, bringing in snacks, shampoo…. Independent living will probably not provide the help she needs and again it would not last long before more care is needed. When you say she only has money for one ore two years, does that include the value of the house. My mom had enough money for about a year and a half of Al. When the money was almost gone I moved her to a nursing home. My brother made selling her house almost impossible. She is also a hoarder, which complicates things. I expected things would progress so she kept the house (Medicaid allowed it) and I moved her to a nursing home and everything is covered by Medicaid. I would recommend you talk with a lawyer. In Michigan there are some assisted livings that will accept Medicaid, but I found they were absolute dumps. There are also assisted livings that will accept Medicaid as full payment only after 2 years of private pay. There are other Al that will accept Medicaid but family is expected to pay the remaining balance. It’s so complicated. When I moved mom to Al I asked if they accepted Medicaid and they said they did. When her money was gone I found out they excepted family to pay the balance. I have attached a few resources.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

DBAT.pdf

https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-income-chart/

Klako · January 26

I agree to find a good elder care lawyer. It is sometimes expensive but they know and can guide you in the finance/Medicaid piece. My dad was in a private pay situation and working with an elder care lawyer (we are in Ohio) made it much easier and truly I would not have known the different types of accounts and trusts needed to achieve my Dad being able to move to Medicaid at the time. We also applied way before it was needed. Most lawyers will meet with you initially for no charge so try that and see what they recommend. You can also work with an Area Agency on Aging in your area as they have resources and people who can help as well. As far as convincing I would recommend saying it is temporary and a place the doctor is insisting she go to for help. This is such a hard step but take a day at a time and figure out what you can do today. Make sure you pick a facility that will take Medicaid eventually and that the Memory Care unit will take it as well. I did this only to find out where my dad was would only take Medicaid in AL not Memory Care, make sure you ask on both not just a blanket will you accept Medicaid. You can do this, it will be hard but in the long run it will be best.

Jacoland · January 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75191/need-to-move-mom-don-039-t-know-where-to-start

I went through this in CA. Contact an attorney to navigate Medicaid. There is something called the Master Care program that helps pay for an ALF, etc. They work with Medicaid here in CA. Contact a senior center near her they will have a lot of resources for you. Good luck.

SDianeL · January 26

Welcome. It’s overwhelming. Just take one step at a time. Meet with an attorney. Get DPOA etc if you don’t already have them. Dont talk to your Mom about this. She won’t understand or agree. You make the decisions to keep her safe. I would not do AL. I would do MC so you won’t have to move her again. ALs do not provide 24/7 care, are not locked and secure. She could leave and wander and be in danger. MC are locked and have 24/7 care. I think MC caregivers are better trained to care for dementia patients. I would move her near you in iL. Caregiving from a distance is extremely difficult.

Need to move mom; don't know where to start...

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