Caring for mom at home

This is a hard question to answer. My LO was fine while the in home care people were there, but when they left was upset at needing to be babysat, angry that I got to leave while she "never got to go anywhere" and terrified of a stranger being there at night. We did have some success by changing the time of day people were there, my LO did better with people there in the morning and early afternoon rather than late afternoon. My LO had fallen quite a lot, so we used "the doctor said you cannot be alone because you might fall". It helped a little. Others here have said that the in home care was there to help them and gradually eased into the actual care. For the cost, we said that the long term care insurance was paying all of it, which was not quite true, but that worked. I often wished we could have gone the adult day care route but getting my LO out of the house was difficult.

You cannot be a caregiver without sleep, I learned that lesson. Have you talked to your mother's doctor about her sleep problems? Sometimes sleep disturbances are side effects from medications. My LOs doctor told her to take aricept in the morning instead of at night because it can cause vivid and disturbing dreams. You can check her medications with her pharmacist or even check them yourself using drugs.com. There are also medications that can help with sleep.

Regarding the promise you made your father-Look beyond the actual words of the promise to what he really wanted and meant. Did he not mean that he wanted your mom as comfortable as possible, to be loved and well cared for? That absolutely means a well rested caregiver who is not emotionally and physically exhausted.

Please release yourself from your deathbed promise. Your dad should ( would?) not have wanted you to lose your life caring for your mom. Your mom - in her right mind- would not want you losing your life caring for her either. Many caregivers die before their loved one. Your dad is an example of that.

It is better for your mom to be cared for in a facility by staff that gets to go home at the end of their shift and get adequate rest that to be cared for only by someone in a permanent stage of exhaustion. You would still be her advocate and doing stuff for her. Your brother doesn’t get a say since he isn’t helping.

Her disease has progressed to a state that you can no longer effectively manage alone. Many full time caregivers get to this point eventually because full time home care for this disease is all but impossible.

You will not be able to reason with her or make her understand. PWD do not understand their limitations or the enormity of their care. She will never think she needs the help so put explanations or making her understand out of your mind as that will never happen.

It may be time for some kind of anxiety medication or sleep aids, I would start with a visit to her doctor. Then maybe you can push off some of the “blame” on the doctor like mentioned above. Maybe say that the helpers are for you so that you can then help her how she needs. Tell her you’re paying for it or insurance, whatever she’ll accept. Fibs are a necessary part of caregiving.