Vacation Guilt

ChinUp82 · February 2

My mom has dementia that is progressively getting worse. My dad has no cognitive issues and is her caretaker but also is somewhat in denial, at least to me, about her condition. Every summer, my husband and I go on vacation with our two children at a beach a few hours away. Before my mom's condition really declined, my parents got in the habit of planning their vacation in the same beach town while we're there, which to me feels like an imposition of my little family's time away. My dad will text me every morning to find out what time we're going to the beach so they can join us, which makes the trip not at all relaxing to me as I feel like we have to stick to a schedule. It's been much worse in the past two years with my mom's condition. We save up all year to go on this trip and it's no longer enjoyable. Now my dad is pestering me about the dates we're going this summer and I've tried to be vague and noncommittal but he's relentless. I feel bad because I want him to have a break and I know he enjoys being around us but I also work full-time and want to enjoy my break too. Guess I'm just looking for commiseration…this is so hard.

AmandaF · February 2

I've been where you are and I'm so sorry you're going through this. We tried to keep my parents involved in our lives as my mom's dementia got worse, but both of them became quite stressful to be around, and it was very hard. Family travel was extra challenging, but also something they really looked forward to, since they were pretty isolated and bored. Do the best you can and know that it won't always be like this.

Quilting brings calm · February 3

It’s ok to be honest. Tell him that you don’t feel your mom is able to make the trip because you aren’t going to be available to help care for her this time. That you and your spouse are going to be busy doing things that she won’t be able to do. Your dad may not like it, but your family deserves a vacation too. What you can do is offer to come over instead on a regular basis for a few hours - even if it just two hours every week - so that he can get a break from your mom,

Merla · February 3

let me tell you that I get it when your vacations are not vacations so it's all exhaustion without a break.

I don't know what the solution is except to tell your dad when you'll be available at the beach and have it be something specific. I have vacationed with my in-laws before but it's very low key in the sense that no one has high expectations, they just want to see us which they ordinary don't. Like a couple of hours at the pool here and there and maybe dinner together vs tagging along the whole day. Your dad is likely lonely which is understandable but it's a big ask to have you try to solve it all while you're trying to vacation yourself.

If you have a good open communication with your dad, maybe you can ask him what he need he is trying to fill by tagging along on your beach trip. And then maybe you can help him address this need in a way that doesn't impact you and your family so much.

pamu · February 3

We have beach vacationed with my husband's parents and we would catch up at some point throughout the day but we didn't make plans because my father in law was not well with different ailments. They live in a different state so we wanted to make this trip happen because we don't see them often. It was a lot of work for my mother in law to adhere to a schedule, which she made very clear from the beginning that they would do their own thing and connect with us when they could. It worked out great for everyone. When your dad asks you about it again, be honest and kind… just let him know that if you decide to go that you want to chill out a little more and not "make plans" every day. Not sure if he'd get the hint. Depending on his personality he may be understanding or he may feel slighted. I find my extended family has no idea or sometimes consideration about my family life. It might be a good segway to discuss mom's care and needs. What does your spouse say? They need to be considered as well. It might be insensitive to say but you could always make other vacation plans for just your family, or not the beach so they don't feel intentionally left out. If you decide to do this vacation with them you will need to accept that the schedule and annoyances could be a factor, and roll with it. It won't be forever. At some point they will not be able to travel. My mom has dementia. This is a little different scenario but this past summer we flew out to my in-laws out of state for four nights and I spent the entire time on the phone with my mother's aides, doctors, case worker and my sister. It sucked. I felt like I was bringing everyone down. At one point I was literally at a water park playing phone tag for six hours trying to manage a crisis because I'm the authorized person on everything. I told my husband that I should have stayed home and they should have gone without me. It wasn't fair to my family. My mom is now in MC so things are different. With that said, we are trying to decide whether or not to visit my husband's family this summer but I'm still scarred and worry that there will be another crisis. I'll probably feel this way until my caregiving ends. I feel for you!

psg712 · February 4

I second Qbc's comments. Especially as your mom's needs increase, you will really need to guard your private time with your spouse and kids so they don't feel that everything is about your mom. Your dad needs your support, yes but you have limits of how thin you can spread yourself.

Vacation Guilt

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