Still With the Guilt

CindyBum · February 4

My DW passed away two nights ago. I had said goodbye to so many parts of our relationship already, but her actually being gone is the worst feeling I've ever had. I have been crying about never seeing her again, but find myself struggling with the devastation I feel at knowing I'll never look in those beautiful, twinkling green eyes again and also feeling such a sense of relief at her no longer suffering and me no longer suffering. It's the "me" part I feel so guilty about. How can I feel relief that the love of my wife just died?

I never wanted her to leave, just the dementia, but it's really hard to separate those feelings right now.

GothicGremlin · February 5

@CindyBum I'm so very sorry at your loss of Suze. Her loss is so new and raw right now, give yourself some grace on this. I followed your story and you were such a wonderful caregiver, you did so much for her.

Caring for someone with dementia is so very hard. My sister had Alzheimer's and FTD and the last six months of her life I wondered if I was going to make it to the end. I felt like I was hanging on by my fingernails - and I had the same thoughts as you. I needed some peace, and Peggy needed some peace. I wanted it to be over for her - for both of us - but I never wanted her to die. Ever. Just like you and Suze. But that guilt for even having that thought was present, and even now, almost two years later, the guilt still pops into my head every once in awhile.

I end up wondering if I did everything I could have done. And you know what? After almost two years I know that I did my best for her, given the time and resources that I had at the time. I know this. When the guilt comes, I look to that realization.

When you've given yourself enough time, I bet you'll see a similar thing in yourself and I hope it calms some of your guilty feelings.

howhale · February 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75280/still-with-the-guilt

I know just how you feel, having lost my dear last August and I still have the overwhelming guilt. I know, as you will also, that we have nothing about which to feel guilty as we did all we could to provide great care for our loved one. The facts just do not erase my guilt and I am not sure my guilt feelings will ever go away but maybe diminish to a bearable level. You have to keep telling yourself that you did all you could to provide for her. I find it does not help to hear that from others, as much as I appreciate that they say it. Those who were the spouse and caregiver have to release ourselves from the guilt we feel. We have to find a way out of the constant and painful guilt. I am six months into my journey alone now and I find that I still cry every day, but now some days are not triggered by my guilt feelings. If someone had told me that life after her passing would be harder than life as her fulltime caregiver, I would have laughed in their face. Sadly, they would have been true. Stage 8, as this miserable life after is called, is very difficult but in different ways. And, we are alone trying to navigate a different life. All my best to you. We are here for you. Take comfort in that while we continue to suffer, our dear wives are no longer suffering their horrible disease. I suspect you, like me, are willing to accept our fate just to know our loved ones are released from their prison of dementia.

SDianeL · February 5

I lost my DH in August 2024. I miss him so much it hurts. I was expecting the mental pain but not the physical reaction to losing him. Although I wanted him to stay, I prayed his suffering would end. I would not bring him back to suffer more. Feeling relieved is not a sign of disrespect or lack of love; it is a sign that the exhausting struggle has finally ended. When guilt creeps in, I use the Thought Stopping technique. Thought Stopping is a cognitive-behavioral technique used to manage intrusive, anxious, or ruminative thoughts by consciously interrupting them—often by saying "stop" aloud or internally—and immediately replacing them with positive, neutral, or productive thoughts. When I have a guilty thought about not being able to care for my DH after my cancer diagnosis, I say "stop" and replace it with a positive thought. Many of those positive thoughts I found in this community from the wonderful supportive people here. One example is that I made sure my DH was well cared for. Then I think of a memory we made together. Maybe a trip we took together. This technique takes practice and isn't easy but I found with practice, it's helping. I also made a list of things I can do to honor his memory. When I feel grief or guilt, I take the list out and do something on the list to honor his memory. He would be proud of me. I can tell by your posts that you loved your Suze beyond measure and she was so fortunate to have you share her life. You provided great care for her. She would be so proud of you. Sending love and hugs to you as you navigate Stage 8. 💜

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Quilting brings calm · February 6

You’ve been grieving for quite some time. It’s called anticipatory grieving. So now that she’s actually passed, you are at a different stage of grief than someone whose loved one passed suddenly. So you are dealing with what’s called the bargaining stage of grief. I have no idea why it’s called that because there’s nothing to bargain over. However, the description of it includes feeling guilty. There’s no shame in feeling relief that Suze is no longer suffering or in feeling relief that you are no longer a caregiver. Caregiving is a tough job and made tougher by the fact that you were caring for someone you loved.
What might lessen your misplaced feelings of guilt is to concentrate on the last thing you can do for her - which is to do your part in settling her affairs. Whether your the executor or just the person physically in charge of her possessions

CampCarol · February 6

I'm 7 months into stage 8, and I still feel guilt. Every. Single. Day. I am working with a therapist and 2 grief groups. I've tried to start new activities, but it's all still really hard. I do think I've improved a bit, but it's been an uphill battle. I agree with what everybody above wrote and would echo their sentiments. But…I also know you're going to feel what you're going to feel, and only you can work your way through this. Know that from what we've read, you were a blessing to Suze; your love for her shined through in all of your posts. Don't rush your grief; it will just come back and bite you. Take the time you need and eventually your world will right itself again. Hang in there, we're all here for you!

CindyBum · February 11

Thank you all so much. Of course, your support and insight is as wise and helpful in Stage 8. I treasure you all.

Still With the Guilt

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