Mom Passed Away & Dad’s Struggling - Advice Needed Badly

MontelG · February 9

Hello! I’m in bad need of some advice. My Mom passed away on January 4th and my Dad, who is in the middle stage of Alzheimer’s, is really struggling. They were married for 66 years and had been living in assisted living for the past couple of years. Neither of them could drive or leave the facility with our help. They were best friends and dependent on each other.

Most days Dad kinda remembers that Mom has died. He never remembers any details but kinda knows she is gone. He often says it’s like a dream he isn’t certain is real. On good days, he knows she is gone and he keeps wanting to notify people and settle her affairs, which we’ve already done. On the good days, he mostly calls to ask where Mom’s ashes are or what we plan to do with them. (They have already been spread in the ocean per her request but he wasn’t there due to travel issues.)

On the “normal” day, he calls me at least once to ask “where’s Mom”? He knows she’s not around and the apartment doesn’t have any of her things. He thinks she’s died but isn’t certain and doesn’t remember details. On the bad days, he doesn’t remember she died and just knows something isn’t right. These calls are often after I’ve gone to bed and they are wreaking havoc on my sleep, mental health, and work. If I miss his call, he calls every 5 minutes until I answer.

Having the discussion over and over is torture for us both. Through my research I often see the recommendations are to say their out running and errand or something and that’s why they aren’t there. That’s not a realistic story given their life. I don’t think he’d believe anything but the truth. He remembers just enough that anything but the truth would be figured out quickly.

I’m desperate for any tips or suggestions on how to make this any easier for everyone.

BethL · February 9

Just one little suggestion. Have staff take his phone away at night, or turn off your phone at night.

jgreen · February 9

Dear @MontelG

I am so sorry for your loss! And so sorry you are now working through yours and your Dad’s grief.

While not in your position, maybe a fresh set of eyes can help.

Your post mentions “we” so I am guessing there are siblings? Do any of you have Durable power of attorney for your dad? If so, that person might want to contact his physician to see if there are some medication adjustments to help relieve some of his stress? And you and your family might want to talk about a higher level of care for your Dad such as memory care. That way there are staff who will be sure he is getting his medication and find ways to engage him with others so he doesn’t dwell on his loss. Also they can get his phone and bring it to him certain times so you and he can talk.

All of this will take some time to accomplish. You might have to turn off your phone at night so you can get some rest and leave a different emergency number with the assisted living facility. And alert the staff you are doing this so they can look in on your dad.

God bless you for being such a good son. I pray things work out for you, your dad and family.

H1235 · February 9

Welcome. Dementia is just cruel! How heartbreaking. I think jgreen has a good idea with medication. Medication does not have to turn him into a zombie. Unfortunately it can take a bit to get dosage figured out. I would also talk to your doctor about medication for yourself. I avoided this for a long time(I hate taking medication), but I’m glad I finally asked. Without your mom I wonder how your dad is doing with daily tasks without her. In my experience al doesn’t offer much assistance. There are so many little things your mom may have done for him or helped him with. (Setting out clothes, finding his favorite show, reminding him to brush his teeth). If he is suddenly managing these things on his own it may be causing him stress and anxiety which is making the issue with your mom even worse. Could it be he needs a higher level of care? So sorry you are going through this.

SiberianIris · February 9

My condolences on the loss of your mother.

In losing his wife, your dad has literally lost his anchor, and he is now adrift without her to put sense and structure in his day. In dementia care speak, this is called "scaffolding". The presence of his wife allowed him to function at a higher level than he can on his own. It might be time to consider moving your dad to memory care, where he would have more supervision and more opportunity for socialization and entertainment specifically geared to people with dementia, which would lessen his feeling of loneliness.

Staff in assisted living are generally not trained to deal with dementia beyond the early stages. Residents with dementia in AL will often see their friends drift away as their dementia worsens. Cruel, but human nature.

MontelG · February 9

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265645#Comment_265645

My brother and I both have all the POAs. When my parents moved to AL a couple years ago, Dad didn’t take it well at all, so he is already on some meds for depression and anxiety. I thought about talking to the doctor about an increased dose but wasn’t sure there was much more they could do given his grief. I think I need to ask though.

My brother wants to help but he has his own health issues and is on the other side of the country, where I’m local. I’m engrained is Dad’s head as the go to person. My brother is a couple weeks away from major heart surgery too so it’s not like I can redirect calls to him.

I really wish he was earlier in his Alz so he could remember some more things. Or, and I feel HORRIBLE for thinking this, a little later in Alz so we could just go along with his reality. This middle ground is terrible for the death of a spouse.

in addition to dealing with my Mom’s death, my Dad’s condition, my brother’s upcoming hearth surgery, and lack of support at work, one of our dogs died two weeks after my Mom. The last 4 weeks have been horrible and it’s been really hard to hold it together.

BPS · February 9

I agree that checking with his doctor about medication for his anxiety and may a sleeping pill so he can rest better at night letting you get more sleep. With all that you have going on maybe talk to your doctor about something to help you for the short term too.

WIGO23 · February 10

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265658#Comment_265658

I can only offer my sincere caring and concern for this very “bad patch” you are going through. Life can slap us down and then slap us again when we get back up.

My son said something to me that resonated and maybe it will with you too—“Mom you cannot protect Dad from all discomfort.”
Making yourself available to your Dad when you need sleep or respite is not sustainable. He will experience discomfort or anxiety that you cannot prevent or fix.

annie51 · February 10

I’m so sorry for all that you’re going through. I can totally understand your comment about the middle stage. It has its own unique challenges just like each stage. I can’t offer anything different than others have posted here, just a sympathetic ear.

Mom Passed Away & Dad’s Struggling - Advice Needed Badly

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