Where Do You Find Peace

howhale · February 9

I am six months in after losing my dear wife and after a brief period of foolishly thinking I was moving ahead, the overwhelming grief came back with a vengeance. Try as I might, finding any traction forward seems impossible. With so much time to think, I came to realize that beyond the grief, the sadness, the tears, the longing for another smile, another touch a part of my feelings was fear. I lived my entire life with a close support network around me that I clearly did not appreciate for what it was. From birth until I married my dear wife at 21, my family was there always, never alone, always at hand. Then my dear wife picked me and allowed me to become her partner in life and for the next 57 years we were together. And then, it stopped. Taken from me by that horrible disease over years but finally the absolute end. Family surrounded me for days. But, as most of us can attest, family must return to their life, their responsibilities, their children, etc. And then, the silence, the loneliness, the confusion of life alone for the first time. It was then, after several months, that I finally recognized a part of my problem. I no longer had anyone at my side to walk ahead with me. I was alone and afraid. Make no mistake, I am a fairly healthy, 6'3", 200 pound man and not one you might see as being afraid. It took time for me to accept that I was actually afraid for the first time in my life. Yes, I have family to call for help if needed but, in the dark of the night if I feel ill, there is no one to turn to beside me in bed an ask for help. A grown man afraid of the dark? So, as I stand next to my dear wife's final resting place at the cemetery, I sense a feeling of peace overtake me. I feel safe again. I feel a calm, my breathing is steady. Yes, I cry many, many tears but I do not want to walk away from her place and feel that fear again. I cannot live there (as much as I thought about sneaking a tent in the nearby woods and living there). Where do you find our peace? Maybe I have to look in other places? I know the refrain of many that I need to look upward, and I do, but that place in the ground is the only real place I can be, touch, caress, and see. I need that reality to calm my fear.

jehjeh · February 9

I am so sorry to hear yay you are struggling right now and i do understand. January marked 6 months since losing my DH. Like you, the grief hit me like a brick.

I have found it necessary to keep busy. I see friends for coffee or lunch, ask about their lives, try to distract myself as much as possible. I also have stretches where I want nothing more than to stay home alone and try to numb myself with tv. Some days seem just too heavy to bear. I hadn't thought of the aspect of fear but I realize that's one component of what I'm experiencing. My world suddenly looks very different. I've never lived alone until now.

This forum helps a lot. Just knowing that I'm not the only one feeling these things, helps. Remembering that others have walked this path and gone on to live full lives, helps. Knowing that the sometimes paralyzing grief will ease, helps.

Stay strong. It won't always be like this.

Palmetto Peg · February 10

My DH passed away on January 7. I was completely numb and exhausted for the first few weeks, and now I am just beginning to feel the waves of grief. I am not grieving for the man who died on January 7, because he had no quality of life left. I am grieving for what we should have had - the travel, the dinners out, the quiet moments at home, and snuggles in bed. I feel angry and cheated. We had so many plans for when we retired, but shortly after we both left our jobs, I realized that something was wrong. We started with the MCI diagnosis, but he progressed quickly to aggressive, over-sexualized behaviors, and for the last 8 years my life has been so hard. He was in MC and then skilled nursing for the last 18 months, so I was already used to living alone. Now I feel empty and hopeless. I am only 75 and it feels like I will be alone for the rest of my life. I'm trying to distract myself with keeping busy, but there are days when I, like you, jehjeh, just want to stay home and not try to do anything. I don't know when it gets better, but I guess we have no choice but to keep trying to move forward. Hugs to all of us in this terrible place!

LindaLouise · February 12

Thank you all for sharing. It somehow helps to know I'm not the only one going through this great sadness. My DH of 47 years passed nearly 6 months ago. I also have never lived alone and some days can't figure out how it happened. My four wonderful kids, our family of six, I somehow never thought I'd end up alone at this stage of life. My kids are all so sad to have lost their dear dad, my six little grandkids miss their grandad so very much, and even our little dog is grieving. I feel so sad to have lost my person and then the added pain of seeing the grief of those I love - it all seems like a terrible dream I can't wake up from. Our home is filled with our history - the tile backsplash we put in together, the sage green he painted the walls the time I was at a teacher's conference, his rubber boots in the garage alongside his red toolbox- and even the jar of mentholatum he thought would cure any ill still sits on his workbench. I know the Lord walks with me, but the missing of this dear man has left such a giant hole. I hope it gets better and that the gratitude for the partner I had is able to overwhelm the grief I feel today.

howhale · February 20

I wanted to update my original post in regards to my use of the word "afraid". In the time since I posted this originally, the sense of being afraid of something has grown and I have struggled with the "why" and "what" of it. In reading a novel this week, a line in the text triggered my thoughts and I realized what was driving being afraid. The line in the novel read "If i lose my fear, will I lose my joy". It means nothing here without the context of the story but it caused me to rephrase it for myself to "If I lose my grief or my grief lessens, will I lose my love for my wife or will it lessen?" The tears, the sobs, the real pain of the loss I feel, the pit in my stomach, etc. are real and are connected to my love for my wife. Those are the only "real" things I have left and if they diminish or stop will I lose or lessen my love. What will I have left that is real and that I can actually touch or feel in my body that connects with my love for her. I am afraid of that change and, yet, I know I cannot survive this way forever. I have thought hard about this and, for me, I truly feel afraid to try to find a way forward with the real feelings, actions, etc. of my grief. If any lessening or ending to my grief lessens or limits my feeling of love for my wife, then I will keep the grief. Some who have been on the survivor path longer may have thought to offer which can help me believe differently. For now, I continue to be afraid.

Where Do You Find Peace

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