Would my LO be better off in Assisted Living/Memory Care?

rmk1950 · February 12

I am curious in getting the thoughts of from other caregivers on the above question.

My spouse is currently classified and moderate/borderline severe dementia. She is still able to perform most of the ADLs.

While I can currently care for her at home I am wondering if she would be better served with the higher level of care, cognitive engagement etc., that can be provided by ASL/MC.

I realize that there are benefits in keeping her in a familiar setting, but is she being disadvantaged by not getting the more structured care?

Thanks for you thoughts.

blacksparky · February 12

This is just my opinion but I plan on keeping my DW at home as long as I can. I have a couple of caregivers that come in each week for a few hours and she enjoys the change of company. Maybe you can look into an adult day care center for your LO. My DWhas EOAD and is 56 years old and is in stage 6 of her journey. We tried a daycare but she didn’t like it due to all the other people were in there eighties and above. May try it at a later date as she progresses. Every body has a different journey and challenges so it is an individual choice we all have to make. I wish you the best and we are all here to help you…

MaryMN · February 12

I don't think there is any right answer. As blacksparky said, everbody has a different journey. I would ask how are YOU doing? As much as you love her, do not sacrifice your own health and well-being for the sake of your wife. You need to continue to live.

rmk1950 · February 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265938#Comment_265938

I am doing OK. I am retired so I don't have anything really pressing going on outside the home. At this point If I have a doctor's appointment she can come with me and wait for me and she can go shopping with me.

My only concern is am I able to give her the best quality of care.

I have thought about having caregivers come to the house. But, my wife has delusions/hallucinations about there being other people in the house and I am concerned how she would react if there actually was somebody in the house. I realize after typing the previous sentence that having somebody in the house probably would not be any different than her current delusions/hallucinations.

harshedbuzz · February 12

I've seen this go both ways.

My aunt who was living alone and then at home with a live-in caregiver positively blossomed in a high quality MCF because of the structure, dementia-informed programming/training and social interaction.

My dad got better care in a MCF because he was more cooperative with professionals managing his hands-on care around toileting and hygiene. He wasn't happy in either the MCF or home with mom.

My friend's mom was at home with her through the end. She was fortunate to be able to have a home built to make running a one-bed-nursing-home work and to be able to access talented aides and have an extended family visit her mom and her several times a week.

HB

BPS · February 12

Was you wife very social liking to have a lot of people around and would she take part in activities in a facility? If you found an ALF that had a MC section you could move into the assisted living with her and see how she does and then if MC is needed she could move into that and you could stay in the assisted living apartment or move back to your house. That was one of the options I was looking at, then my wife had a stroke and needs more help then was available in assisted living and her Alzheimer's progressed so she moved straight from stroke rehab to MC.

Timmyd · February 13

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75348/would-my-lo-be-better-off-in-assisted-living-memory-care

I think you should give equal consideration to the impacts of placement on yourself. There are two people whose lives have been upended by this disease. What are the benefits and disadvantages to yourself to this decision?

persevere · February 13

I had this exact same struggle. The wife was clearly in the moderate range. Her condition made me decide to retire early. But I had the same thoughts. Would she be better off in MC. I had no training. I was just learning how to take care of her as we went along. Kids gone. By myself. Exhausting. But every time I replayed in my mind what I had seen when I toured facilities I could not bring myself to do it. I didn’t want to give up on her too quickly. Don’t get me wrong, there are many wonderful facilities out there. But she was so docile at the time. It just didn’t seem like the right thing to do. And whenever she picked up on these conversations I could tell she was stressing. Fast forward to now. She is very far along. Total aphasia. Totally exhausting agitation. But she’s not mean. Not violent. Yes, it crosses my mind frequently. But I have hospice. I have a helper. We have a routine - sort of, lol. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. And most people will not be able to understand what you’re going through. But No one in this forum will ever judge you. Ever.

H1235 · February 13

I think a lot will depend on how she progresses and unfortunately there is no way to know exactly how this ugly journey will go. If she becomes angry and resentful of you or has delusions and becomes afraid of you then a facility might be a better option. You might want to read some post from those further along in the journey. Do you think you will be able to do it physically and mentally. As others have said you need to consider your health. Is assisted living a realistic option for both of you? It would make things a lot easier for you. Assisted living is really just a bit of assistance. Depending on the facility you could probably still keep your car and come and go as you please. Even if you decide to keep her home with you, I would strongly recommend you have a backup plan. Facilities can have a waiting list to get in. It’s probably better to tour facilities now then when you are desperate and at your wits end (hopefully it doesn’t come to that).

annie51 · February 13

There have been some great perspectives and advice given here. Lots for you to think about. It’s definitely an extremely hard but very personal decision. For me, the decision came after DH became more and more aggressive toward me, particularly after becoming incontinent, to the point where I was feeling unsafe. He also was wandering constantly and being by myself, I had a hard time to keep my eye on him at all times.

Here are some additional things to think about…

Don’t sell yourself short on how good your care is and will be. You learn as you go and from the people on this site. A daily routine at home is helpful. And if she can still go with you to appointments and shopping, that’s great. When my DH could still do that with me, the errands and appointments became outings to fill the day.
The suggestion about trying an adult day program is a good one. A good program would give her the cognitive and social engagement that should benefit her, and give you some respite time as well. Also a good in-home caregiver with the right training may be able to engage her in activities that she likes.

Only you can decide where your breaking point is, but a plan B needs to be in place in case something happens to you, whether that’s assisted living for you both with an MC option or having a family member take over her care. Make the best decision for both you wife and for you. There will be no judgement here.

Lilydaisy · 12:58AM

I think that's a great question, but we can only add thoughts to help you decide what is best for you both. My DW is a young 75 and seems "younger" than the residents of the MC facility I have chosen, which is a comment a number of others have made. But on the other hand, does someone who has lost her memory recognize those differences? If they are mostly 5 or 10-year olds by mental age, does appearance matter much? Then you add finances to the mix for many of us. We would like her to stay at home, but I recognize now that may not be best. I expect time will sort it out. In the meantime best of luck to you in finding a good path to follow.

Would my LO be better off in Assisted Living/Memory Care?

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