My father

HannahN. · February 26

This might seem different, but my living situation has been that I live in a large mostly one floor house with my parents. My mom had retired at 69.5 (now 72) to take care of my dad and his Early Onset (diagnosed at 67, now almost 77). My mom recently just helped make sure my grandmother was taken care of too in her last years of life (passed away in July 2025 at 92). My grandmother refused to go to assisted living, so my mom at least got her home care. However, in the case of my dad and my mom's pride, she has not gotten home care and is completely burnt out. She at least will let my oldest sister and I watch him and help out every now and then, but that's all. My father is at the last stages and she says he has at most 3 years, but feels it isn't him anymore and it breaks my heart. She has to do almost everything for him, but he can still walk, talk, and feed himself. In anyone's opinion, at this state would home care be okay to lift some weight off my mom's shoulders or assisted living be better? I just don't know what to do anymore.

aleet28 · February 26

Hi Hannah. Your mom sounds like an amazing lady! And I can understand your want to take some of the burden from her. Caregiver burnout is real! I've cared for my maternal grandmother with dementia until she passed. I've been a caregiver for people with early onset and I my own mother (whom I care for at home) was diagnosed with early onset one year ago. I, personally, think that either having someone come into the home, OR, assisted living could be a good option. Is your mom on board at all? That might make the determining factor right there…is she okay with someone coming into help? Sending you all hope and strength!

Angie

SDianeL · February 26

welcome. I would ask your Mom. She may be resistant to help. Home care is much more expensive than memory care. He needs Memory Care not Assisted Living. Assisted Living is not secure and does not provide 24/7 care that he needs. You could start by offering to pay for housekeeping help and see what your Mom says. Then suggest in home caregivers. Also get a hospice evaluation. They offer so much help and Medicare pays.

HannahN. · February 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/266879#Comment_266879

Thanks for reaching out Angie! As I had said, my mom seems so hesitant to have someone come to our house, but as my grandmother lived about 45 minutes away, it was necessary to have someone go to her. Though last night as it was hard to see, my dad had one of those angry outbursts and it really showed my mom's feelings that she has been hiding, which was hard. So I know she needs help, it is more the matter of what kind of help is she willing to take and how much money is it going to be considering she has been told he most likely has 3 more years.

Hannah

H1235 · February 26

Welcome. I’m glad you found us. It sounds like your mom needs help. You don’t want to lose her before your dad because she was over doing it. Is she keeping up with her doctor appointments and getting appropriate testing done as advised? A missed mammogram or colonoscopy because she is just too busy could turn out to be a big problem. How is her anxiety/depression? Should she be encouraged to talk with her doctor about medication to help? If she is resistant to caregiving help maybe there are other areas help could be given. Here are some ideas, hire outside work (mowing lawn), hire someone to come in and clean and do laundry, use grocery delivery, hire someone to come in and cooks some meals a couple days a week or order restaurant food delivery, would she let you take over bill paying or could you help her set things to auto pay. Then use the time she feels comfortable with you or your sister taking care of your dad for her to do something relaxing rather than grocery shopping. I agree with calling hospice. If it’s too early you can try again down the road, no harm done.

HannahN. · February 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/266884#Comment_266884

Thanks for replying. I have asked my mom several times. My best friend is a nurse and she has given me suggestions for the past years to give my mom and nothing gives. I know at first it was pride, but after an issue yesterday with my dad, I am thinking it's burn out plus her feelings that it just not him anymore 💔

Are you saying in home caregivers are too expensive? What is Memorey Care? I will have to look into that. Would hospice be too early though for an estimate of 3 years? Glad to here Medicare covers, but wonder if all types do. Thanks again!

Hannah

HannahN. · February 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/266898#Comment_266898

Thanks! I am happy I found this too ☺️ My sister and I make sure she goes to her appointments, gets exercise time, and such, but her stubborn self has refused to let us hire help to do things like snow plow or mow. She feels it is time she can get away from him and destress. She is up to date with computers and doing auto payments. The downside is she is still tending to some of my grandmother's paperwork after her passing, which adds on. I am sure we will all (my sister at home, other sister, and mom) will have to talk about what needs to be done soon. I just hate to see her frustrated and mad at him when I know he cannot help himself, but I know she doesn't mean it. I myself get a bit angry at him when he gets mean. It is all just so hard. I hope we can just find the best option.

Hannah

My father

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