Stage 8 - One Month In

CindyBum · March 2

Hi all. It's a little hard to believe it's been a month since my DW passed. I'm still in the stage of trying to wrap my head around it — I'll never see her in person again. I have cried and cried some more, but honestly, my biggest feelings have been relief and gratitude.

Relief she isn't suffering like she was. Relief that I don't have to watch her suffering, with no real ability to help her beyond pumping her with drugs. Gratitude for the life we had together, the love we shared, all the gifts she gave me in my own growth, and even gratitude for the honor of caregiving her. I now know I gave every ounce of love I had for her, to her, and don't know how to feel anything but gratitude and love for the spirit that let me.

I remembered this past weekend when my DW's mother passed. She was incredibly close to her mother and was her caregiver as she drifted off to dementia in her late 80's into her 90's. My DW's connection with her was remarkable and she was so afraid to lose her, but, when her mother passed she didn't cry. My poor DW could not understand why she wasn't despondent. Now I know why.

She had be grieving her for years as her mom lost herself to this awful disease, just like I have been grieving the loss of my DW for years and years. I miss her like crazy. I'd take her back without the dementia in less than an heartbeat. But, I'm not despondent. I know I'll be ok.

What I really, really am waiting for is the good memories to return and they've started, which gives me such warm feelings. But, images of her, and my own, suffering still rule the roost for now. I feel like I know the memories of her as a bright light, exuding warmth, love and caring will come back again. Her spirit is a beautifully strong one and it will reside in me for the rest of my days.

Hang in there, everyone.

White Crane · March 2

Cindy, thank you for posting and letting us know how you’re doing. I know you and your DW had a long and difficult journey but your love was always evident. You were an amazing caregiver. I’m glad the good memories are starting to return. Sending big hugs.

jgreen · March 2

Hi, @CindyBum

So very good to hear from you. Like @White Crane, I am happy that the good memories are coming back. Let these smooth the way down this next road.

Hugs and prayers still coming! 💝 🙏

annie51 · March 3

This is a beautiful post reflecting the beautiful love you shared. Thank you for updating us on how you’re doing - it’s good to hear you’re listening to your heart and beginning to see and feel the good memories. I’m 2 months in and having an easier time each day (most of the time). I began going through all of our pictures over the last several weeks to prepare for his celebration of life and at first it made me sad, but as the weeks went on, I began smiling or chuckling as I was reminded of our adventures and our fun and crazy times together. His celebration of life was this weekend and it was (mostly) upbeat and happy, exactly as it should be. You will feel the good memories getting stronger and stronger and it’ll be easier to push aside the memories you’d rather forget. Sending hugs!

Jgirl57 · March 3

Thank you for sharing your sweet update

Goodlife2025 · March 3

Cindy and Annie, thank you both for sharing this part of your journey. It is a comfort to think future me may be able to celebrate and honor my DW with such grace and love.

SDianeL · March 3

yes, in time the good memories will come and replace the painful ones. It took me almost a year. Hugs. 💜

Biggles · March 3

It’s so good to hear your good memories are now coming to the surface after such a long time of caregiving struggles and the difficult times perhaps slipping away. I am so much in the moment with my DH and our journey that I can hardly bear to look at photos from the past, I am trying so hard to make precious memories now, to make our life together as good as it can be, to make whatever time we have left special. I can’t bear to look back and I don’t dare look forward. I know I am grieving for what was, I watch our children trying to cope watching in vane as our life, their childhood memories are eroded and it hurts and is sad and I don’t know really how to cope with it. Thank you for sharing this part of your journey it gives me hope.

M5M · March 3

It is so good to hear your lovely story, and especially to hear there is "light at the end of the tunnel." Thank you for sharing, even as you process the loss.

Karen711 · March 4

Cindy,

The love and devotion you have felt, and will continue to feel … are so beautifully expressed. I know you poured your heart and soul into Suze’s care. I feel your joy in rejoicing in the power with which you showed up for her- it was and is a gift you both received- you for the resilience you conjured up continually to show your love and care for her- and for Suze to be on the receiving end.
💜

Karen

Stage 8 - One Month In

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