Incessant calling

FrancieNolan · March 10

Hello all, this is a minor issue in the grand scheme of things but the past 6 months have been hellish getting my dad first to stop driving and then moving him to assisted living (with a memory care option for the future.) He has only been there 2 weeks and seems to like it. It is a relief to have him safe- I worried constantly when he was alone at home (I did have someone coming in but only 3x a week.) He has vascular dementia, likely stage 4 but well into stage 4. 15/30 on the MOCA.
Since moving he will get fixated on one thing and call me over and over. (He did this before too but it has gotten worse.) I can't always answer of course- I'm in a meeting, appointment, driving, at an event, etc. But he doesn't wait for a return call, he just calls again 2 minutes later and leaves the same message. Sometimes he calls my husband or even my teen son if he doesn't hear back immediately. Even when I do answer and talk to him, he has no memory and will call again and ask the same thing.
The past few days he's been calling about a medication he thinks he needs. Its a prostate med that he hasn't taken in a year and at his last doctor's appointment he told the doctor he wasn't having any symptoms and doesn't need it. Now he's convinced he was taking it daily and needs it ASAP. So I had to call the doctor, have him re-prescribe it, and am waiting for it to be sent. (It's Kaiser and they are notoriously hard to deal with) And even once I get it I have to jump through more hoops with the AL facility because they will have to manage it, he can't take meds on his own.

I have told him over and over that I will let him know when I have the medication but it won't be for a few more days. I got a "Memory Board", an electronic message board in his room right where he sits so I can leave him messages. I put the same message on the board: "The medication won't come for a few more days, I will let you know when I have it." He still called about it. I told him to look at the board. Then he called 4 times to tell me he saw the message on the board. So I don't think the board helps at all.

Has anyone dealt with something similar and is there any solution? Like I said, this is minor, my dad is safe and in a better place than alone at home. But my stress level has been through the roof dealing with this for months (and years), my own health is suffering and I just want a small break. Every time the phone rings I get anxious. I joked with my husband that I want to put on the message board: "Do not call M, she is off duty! Call K (my brother who lives in another state) with any issues!"

lisn2cats · March 10

Oh my gosh - this brings back dreadful memories. Just about a year ago, in between the time my mom was still living on her own after my dad passed (she refused help and was so difficult) and when she finally settled in her new AL room, my mom would just blow up my phone. It was a weird form of torture I had never encountered and it was overwhelming. Many times the messages were just mean. And, like you, I tried so many different ways to get her to stop from telling her she is going to get me fired to I lost my phone (to explain why I wasn't answering) to nearly begging her to stop. Of course, as you also have found, memory was an added challenge.

I seriously thought about changing my number or stealing her phone just to make it stop. The AL staff (I love them so much) finally told me to stop and to block her calls when I needed peace (like when I'm at work). The nursing staff assured me that they would contact me at the drop of a hat in the case of emergency, and would help her/redirect her attention when she got phone-obsessive (I would just text them). (Kind of funny story: While on a business trip and she couldn't reach me, she convinced herself that I had been kidnapped and threw a fit when the staff wouldn't call the police. Each day, the story got more elaborate. When I got back and visited, she was like, "you went on a business trip? oh, how was it?" but she would still tell staff I had been kidnapped.)

In any case, it took almost 4 months but, now, she waits for my call (I make it a habit to call her every night at the same time) and rarely does the repeat calling/leave a million messages about nothing thing. And she feels less anxious because she has finally come to realize the AL staff are there to support her and she's in good hands. They keep her a bit more busy so she's not bored and she's started to make friends. I don't cringe when my phone makes a noise now!

This is an amazing forum of people who seen and gone through it all. The best thing, for me, is learning that I am not alone. My situation might be a little different but, ultimately, the disease seems to have common symptoms and behavioral challenges. I am sending you calming vibes and hope that the anxiety gets alleviated.

FrancieNolan · March 10

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/267820#Comment_267820

Oh thank you so much for your reply- so nice to hear from someone who understands! Funny about the kidnapping story- last year my dad heard of a bus accident in the city where my daughter lives. I told him that she was at work and was no where near the accident and that she was fine. He still called her 5 times until she finally told her boss she had to call her grandpa back since he was panicking she had been hit by a bus!

My dad is having a 2 week assessment at the AL facility in the next day or two so I will hopefully talk to them after that and see if they have any ideas or can distract him from his phone like the staff did with your mom. I do hope the calling calms down once he is more settled and used to the routine there.

SDianeL · March 11

one thing that helped me is the phrase I learned here: “you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken”. And you’re right, message boards don’t work as the disease progresses. No amount of telling him will work. His memory and reasoning ability is gone. I would either remove his phone, disable it or block his calls and only call him once a day. The facility will call you if there is an emergency.

terei · March 11

There are about 1000 postings about this on this board. IMO it is time for the phone to be disabled and when he complains, take it away to be ‘repaired’. At that point delaying the repair ‘supply chain issues, parts on back order, etc etc etc). I think you will find once the phone is out of sight, it will be must easier to distract him from trying to constantly contact people.

It’s really not a minor issue. They can drive everyone they can contact into insanity and they themselves are continually agitating themselves with the constant phone calls.

FrancieNolan · March 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/267865#Comment_267865

Thank you. That is a very good point- I don't think his anxiety with the phone is making him feel good either. I checked his phone the day we moved him to see who he had been calling and a couple days before there were 32 calls to a friend of his! Other friends have told me that they get the calls too. So even if I solve my problem he still does this to others. I do plan to at least block his calls during hours I cannot respond and then call him once a day at a certain time to check in. I will talk to the AL facility about what I'm doing. And as a last resort take the phone, but I don't want to do that yet, want to give him more time to get settled.

SDianeL · March 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/267890#Comment_267890

my husband’s MC facility had a phone they would bring to him every day so he could call me. Worked great.

Babblingbrook · March 18

I was in the same boat with my dad. And I talked to his AL staff and asked if I were to take away his phone, if he asks to call me , can they redirect or help him call me? I needed him to depend more on them than me. Even though I'm very involved, I couldn't do all the things I used to do and he had to start going to them instead of me. I decided to do a "trial" of taking his phone and see how it goes.

I told him I was going to take it to get it fixed and he could ask the staff to call me if needed. Well of course he forgot any of this. It was stressful and I felt soooo bad because I was his first connection, but I just had to get through a couple weeks and I would go see him more often and he eventually forgot about the phone. I'm still his person but now he's not calling random numbers and me a thousand times a day. I did everything before that to block numbers and make his phone safe but it wasn't enough.

Now he thinks his tv remote is his phone and that's ok. He doesn't know otherwise and that's safe. 😀

April23 · March 18

My dad was quickly unable to use his phone at all but still tried and wanted it all the time. His rehab facility washed it by accident so that took care of that. Dad forgot about it almost immediately and was much less anxious. The phone is probably causing your dad as much anxiety as it is you.

Jacoland · March 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75539/incessant-calling

hi- I’m also dealing with several phone calls from my mother with VD middle stage, She has called several times this early am. She obsesses and worries about everything if we solve one problem she is onto the next thing. She also live in an ALF and I have her with me several times a week.
her doctor put her on trazadone 100 mg and two anti-anxiety meds but nothing is helping. The meds she is on would knock me out. She is inconsolable at times.

the best thing I have found is agree with whatever feeling she is having and to tell her I will help or fix it. Definitely not disagreeing that just makes her mad. It’s exhausting.

She gets angry with notes and rips them up. I’m going to try a memory board.

it’s after 3 am she started calling at 1am. It’s going to be a day😒

psg712 · March 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268340#Comment_268340

Wow jacoland that stresses me out just hearing about it! My first thought was that phone has to disappear. As many others on this forum have pointed out, if there is a true crisis the AL staff will contact you. Perhaps (and of course I don't know your whole situation) your mom would settle in at AL a bit better if she didn't have unlimited access to you. Take the phone, and make regular visits without frequent trips out of the AL for her. Let AL be her home and the staff her primary support. Occasional outings, yes, but try to track whether or not her anxiety spikes after a trip out of the facility.

I found notes, boards, any kind of written reminders were not helpful for my mom when she was in AL. She could not process the information. It sounds as if you are doing all you can to help her hang on to "normal" life. That effort can backfire when our LO no longer have capacity to handle the cognitive demands of everyday activities. Eventually, memory care is a less stimulating and stressful environment.

Jacoland · March 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268341#Comment_268341

Thanks for the tips! She has good days too- she was recently diagnosed stage four kidney failure from taking diclofinac so that is adding to the confusion.

Incessant calling

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