What to do with all the empty space when their journey ends?

TrumpetSwan · March 12

I know this question has been posted before. However, when your loved one's journey has ended, what do you then do with all the spare time and energy you gave to them?

My mother is in hospice now. I talked with hospice and arranged for a priest to visit her. It was not planned, but as I was entering my mother's MC facility, the priest in the local church was walking out. I know him. We spoke for a few minutes. I am a person of faith, so it is my personal belief that my mother is at the end of her physical journey and will soon be in God's hands. She will be out of my care, concern, oversight, and on-call facilitator of things.

I already feel space, quiet, and an odd emptiness. You would think we would feel some relief. I do not. I just feel like something is missing.

I cannot believe how much energy and thought and emotion I expended. I was never even my mom's primary caregiver. My dad held that role until one year ago when he passed. By then, mom was in an ALF and had staff supporting her there. I am amazed to see how much I still poured into this because now it just feels empty.

I think as mom's (and also dad's) conditions declined the last 8-10 years, I kept adjusting in bits and pieces to accommodate the next new aspect. Even if not physically present, my mind was occupied with various plans to address something.

So, how do you pull back from a caregiving role? How do you fill the space it occupied?

Appreciate your advice. Thanks.

lisn2cats · March 12

Oh my goodness….I have never even thought about what happens next (mom is 91 and her decline seems to be speeding up). I am bookmarking this post to better prepare myself.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you achieve a different kind of peace - not one of sadness or emptiness.

harshedbuzz · March 12

@TrumpetSwan

My friend and I both had a parent with dementia at the same time. They passed within a year of each other at which point our paths forked.

My friend sold the home with the fancy in-law suite and moved across country where her husband had a dream job offer. The did a lot of bucket-list travel that had been postponed and spend more time with their adult sons. She's learning to garden in the PNW.

Since dad died, mom's needs have slowly escalated to backfill the time I hoped to have with DH and our retirement. When my aunt died, the sister who'd been her guardian got a boyfriend at the age of 86.

HB

H1235 · March 12

I want to at say I’m sorry you are at this point with your mom, but I realize too that it will be a blessing when her suffering is over. I think this is probably much further down the road for me, but still I wonder. Mom got diagnosed the year my husband and I retired three years ago. I have never really had the time to explore what hobbies I might enjoy in retirement. Even now that she is in a nursing home and things are settled a bit, I still find my mind constantly occupied with something that I need to manage for her. I hope you are able to let the stress of this life we are all leading go and can find something fun and relaxing to fill your time.

SDianeL · March 13

I lost my DH in August 2024. The grief, loss and emptiness were very difficult. I made a list of things I wanted to do each day. I made another list of ways I could honor his memory. I do those on special dates. I still come here to read and post because I remember how lost and alone I felt after his diagnosis. If I can help in some small way that honors my DH. I try to stay busy. We have a section on this forum for those who have lost someone. I go there and read and post. People in Stage 8 have posted things there that are helpful. Perhaps volunteer somewhere at a cancer hospital, nursing home, AL or MC. Our Veteran MC has volunteers who help feed those who can’t feed themselves. Maybe volunteer at animal shelter if your Mom liked animals. Take time to figure out what you want to do, hobbies, travel, volunteer, go to church, book club, etc. There is no hurry. Take time to grieve. Cherish the memories before dementia. Hugs. 💜🙏

TrumpetSwan · March 13

Thank you everyone. All good feedback.

I think it might come down to figuring out what I like, hobbies, interests, etc. Honestly, life has been so busy with work, family, then parents care that I rarely have looked up from all of that. It feels so odd.

I like the idea of making lists of interests, bucket list things, etc. because it gives me structure.

I never thought I would be wondering what to do with extra time.

Thank you.

What to do with all the empty space when their journey ends?

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