Struggling to make this all work

bethanstheboys · March 14

My dad died in October and that seemed to just pressure cook the dementia into mom....She makes little to no sense when she talks, is aggressive towards my grandkids, tells me and everyone who will listen she
hates my m-i-l, who also lives with us, but they chit chat all day, is snarky to my husband, refuses to pick up after herself or provide.herself with anything except water----she waits to be served. She thinks I'm her mother (I'm her daughter) and vacillates between asking to sleep with me or being snarky because I "whipped her silly'. She can't remember when she eats and therefore will tell me no one fed her all day while I was gone (she is home all day with my husband, who cares for his mother who is going blind). I work 60+ hours a week, have had to go on meds. I love my mother, but this isn't my mother. I have no idea how to do this.

caregiving daughter · March 15

I am assuming your mom has been diagnosed with dementia. To the extent this is accurate, her judgement is impaired. Therefore, it is reasonable to expect that her conversation will be confusing. It is reasonable that she will have significant mood swings (often sundowners in the late afternoon). It is reasonable that she will be unable to care for herself and her surroundings.

A support system is needed to ensure your mom is safe. It's time to brainstorm how this can be accomplished when you are not able to be present. A support system is also needed to ensure your grandchildren are safe as they are not able to understand dementia and its' effects if they are not at least high school age.

It's time to research and create a plan. My starting point was attending a community education afternoon on dementia where I walked out with resources and phone numbers. If you work full-time, that's likely not possible. Perhaps husband, mil, and you could come up with plan for right away. Then, perhaps, do longterm planning (only supervised interaction with grandchildren, adult daycare, caregiver a couple hours a day, etc.) as you have a lot on your plate. Your health and well being will also be needed to get through this journey. Please hang in there.

H1235 · March 15

You have been given great advice. I would just add, that if mc is something you might be considering as things progress, you should know that some facilities can have a waiting list to get in.

psg712 · March 17

"I love my mother, but this isn't my mother." Perfect description of the emotional conflict that so many of us experience.

SDianeL · March 18

so sorry about your Mom. First, read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which explains dementia and gives tips on caregiving. Do you have DPOA? If not meet with an elder care attorney now and get paperwork in order. Your husband has his hands full and won’t be able to care for both of them. Your Mom should not be left alone. Dementia is more than memory loss. Reasoning is gone therefore you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Don’t argue with her. Don’t expect her to do anything. People with dementia can’t initiate or complete tasks. They also have asonogosia which is the inability to understand they have cognitive issues. As caregivingdaughter said develop a plan now. Things can progress rapidly. Come here often for info and support. We understand what you’re going through. 💜

Struggling to make this all work

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