Just venting

Hello @Geot

This is a great place for just venting. Everyone gets it as there are commonalities with our LO behavior.
My DH does the same thing, talks about deceased people as if they were alive. I find it works best for him if I just go with it. “I haven’t seen your dad today”, “You miss your dad, tell me about him” etc.

When I didn’t know any better, once I said “your mother died years ago.” My poor husband cried like it was news to him. It’s fascinating and sad at the same time how older memories last longer than more recent memories. I hate this disease. Hope today is a better day for you.

Meet them where they are is so true. They cannot come to us so we have to go to them. Sometimes, maybe most times, don't look for an "answer" that you will never find to satisfy their world. Just listening, acknowledging what they say with an "I see", "Oh yes", "Hmmm", etc., etc. maybe be all you can do. I tried, before I found this site, to explain, rationalize, answer, correct, prove, etc. and made our life together very difficult. Often the simplest response is the best one especially because they may have forgotten the question before we come up with a "good" answer.

I used to try to explain that we are the only people who live in the house…now I just say that the other people aren’t here right now, or that they aren’t coming for dinner tonight, etc. it’s another step down for sure. The good thing is that HWD blames them for almost everything…I used to take the blame for it all!

You are definitely not alone. My DW talks to many other imaginary people. It is sometimes hard to cope with when she argues and get angry with them. i am even accused of letting them into our home. Yes, and she several times per day asks me where her father is and she tries to find him inside our house or outside when we go for walks. And every day someone is stealing something from us. It is all part of the ugly dementia package we experience.

Keep the faith and you are in my prayers.

The creativity, quick thinking, out of the box ideas is one of the most challenging aspects of caring for a loved one with AD. Because their behaviors, statements, thoughts, etc. change so fast and unexpectedly, it adds to the stress for the care giver. Responding in the wrong way can trigger additional reactions, some difficult, very difficult. It is no wonder caregivers for an AD loved one are so tired, exhausted, frustrated, stressed, etc., etc. And, just as soon as we think we have found a solution or the right response, their behavior changes again. Come here often, post your question or situation and likely there is someone, if not many someones, who will gladly offer ideas. It may seem as if you are alone but you have a family here who understands and supports you and are ready to be helpful. Vent as often as needed. It helps protect your sanity and enables you to face tomorrow and provide loving care for your loved on..

I know everyone cannot afford hiring caregivers to provide home care but, if you are able to do so, you might consider finding someone to start out at just a few hours to allow your loved one to become comfortable and allow yourself a small break. I found that once I found the right person, my dear wife saw her as a guest, then a friend and looked forward to the visits. I did not leave the property the first few visits but just took a quiet break. It helped. I started at just two days a week for four hours. As the condition progressed, i was able to increase their coverage but I was always the primary caregiver for the majority of hours and always overnight. What one can afford dictates the flexibility but even a small break regularly can help you recharge your brain. I will offer one caution. I tried home care services and quickly discharged them. Regardless of how experienced they claim their employees to be in the care of someone with dementia, I found it seriously lacking. I eventually did local searches, interviewed them myself, observed their interactions and found a couple of excellent ladies. I also installed cameras in the key rooms and they knew they were there. It enabled me to check in without intruding and helped greatly.