Struggles on the farm

Kann · March 11

This is my first post. I have read & benefited a great deal from reading about your experiences. I've finally gotten up enough nerve to share...
My DH was diagnosed with EOAD officially 2 years ago, but I realized it started much earlier. He is still social & most who aren't aware can't see it. There are times when he will go in another room alone when our family is here or if someone he doesn't recognize comes to the house he will hide out until they leave. He has never admitted that he has this diagnosis. I've heard him tell others that he can't remember anything, but laughs like it's normal. He has worked on the same cattle farm since childhood. How do you stop someone from going to a place he's gone to every day since he was a child? We've had a terrible time the last two summers with him trying to run the hay farm equipment. He has proven over & over that he is not capable of this task as he backs into things & has caused many dollars worth of damage to equipment because he doesn't remember which lever/gear to push/pull. I told him it was time to give it up, but he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. He thinks it's all us trying to take over. He's better over the winter, but when summer comes, he knows it's time to mow hay. Our grown son has taken over his role on the farm & DH is not easily letting go. He's bitter & critical. I was hoping he would be proud that his son has an interest in it. Our son says he can't continue this summer as he has in the past. It's so hard when children are switching roles with their parents. DH has always been in control. I have talked with a social worker counselor through his neurologists office. Unfortunately, I haven't received the support I'd hoped for. We are small town farm people getting advice from people from the bigger city. DH takes Fluoxetine for his anxiety/mood, but he's always had a temper. He calls our son names & belittles him when things aren't going his way. I don't know how to handle him. He's in great physical shape. When he's mad at our son he threatens to sell the farm so he can't have it. So stressful! I feel so bad for our son. He's dedicated his life to this farm, but gets no appreciation from his dad. I'm hoping & praying he remembers he won't be running a tractor anymore.

Thanks for allowing me to ramble!

allit · March 11

Kann, first off, good on you for working up the nerve to post here. I’m optimistic that you will receive some responses that are helpful.

I hesitate to give any advice about your husband since I don’t have personal experience with a situation like this. The closest thing I’ve experienced is my mom thinking that her sister and others in the family are scheming to get her doll collection. I only know this because my dad tells me. I feel for him because it seems like he sees the side of my mom that she doesn’t show to us. I try to support him as best I can. He doesn’t ask for much help. I hope you feel like you are able to rely on your son for help. I know how isolating being a caregiver can feel. I have felt better when I share how I feel with others. When I have, many times ibe found out others are also caring for someone with dementia. And we end up sharing stories, brainstorming, and venting.

I wish you and your family all the best

jgreen · March 11

Dear @Kann Welcome. As with @allit, we are glad you shared with us.

While my situation is unlike yours, I do have a strongly independent DH who cannot let go of his desire to use power tools, drive, an operate machinery. Like all PWDs he has anosognosia - the inability to recognize impaired function and general thinking. There will be no reasoning with our DHs. So we have to learn how to do work-arounds and see things through their reality. I struggle daily with having to keep my composure when DH makes unreasonable demands or tries to do unsafe things.

A couple of recommendations for you:

Read up and learn as much as you can about this awful disease. It looks like you have done a lot already. The book “The 36-Hour Day” was recommended to me and I have found it quite useful. Also there are health professionals that post online and give great advice and tips: Tam Cummings, Teepa Snow, Natalie Edmonds and Camille Sinclair. I go to their posts often. And tell your son about these resources. He may or may not look into them but at least you are keeping son informed.

You have a neurologist - good for you. I know they are not available 24/7, but they can help manage medications, especially for agitation, delusions, hallucinations, etc. So do stay in contact with them if DH’s behavior warrants.

If you haven’t already, see an Elder Care Attorney and get your legal affairs in order. The time will come when you HAVE to step up and do what is best for you so you can care for your DH. I went to the attorney by myself for the initial visit so I could talk freely about our situation. Then took DH when we signed durable powers of attorney, healthcare surrogate, and HIPPA forms. The attorney can also help you protect your assets in case you find it best to place your DH in a care facility.

Finally, are there people you can hire to manage your farm? I understand they will not do things like your DH would, but that might be an option since your son is no longer available. It just might come to selling the farm and I know that is not an easy decision. I am sure you have already had that in the back of your mind.

Oh the stresses this disease brings out!

God bless you and your family. Keep us posted.

harshedbuzz · March 11

@Kann

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

This is a difficult situation indeed. To my eye, there seem to be 3 intersecting issues that need adressing.

Firstly, you need to see an elder law attorney to put guardrails in place that prevent your DH from selling the farm in a fit of pique or being taken advantage of. If you haven't gotten your legal papers in order, do that now. At a minimum, you need a DPOA for financial and medical decisions for you both. You'll need someone other than your DH to act on your behalf. A CELA can handle this discretely to avoid upsetting your DH.

Secondly, it doesn't sound as if your DH's moods and the behaviors they're driving are being adequately managed with generic Prozac. For my dad, Prozac was bringing a knife to a gun fight. We saw a geriatric psychiatrist who prescribed a cocktail of medications that dialed back the moods without sedation and avoided side effects from a larger dose of one medication. Many folks find a low dose of an atypical antipsychotic is needed to dial back anxiety, agitation and aggression. Without Seroquel, dad would have needed to be placed much earlier because mom wasn't safe at home with him.

Thirdly, it might be time to have a talk with your son (without your DH) about the future. Is it a goal for him to take over the farm someday or is he on a different career path and helping you out? In a lot of respects, the farm and its equipment are a variation of the "no more driving" fall out many families go through. Given his anosognosia (inability to recognize his own limitations), he's going to want to continue past a point where it is safe for him, so the kindest thing might be to remove the trigger by moving elsewhere for now. As he progresses, he will likely settle a bit and be less driven to actively work on the farm.

If the plan is for him to eventually take over, perhaps it's best to retire yourselves off the farm (which is a trigger for your DH's behavior) now and move elsewhere. If your son is farming as a side hustle to help out, maybe it makes sense to sell now.

HB

Michele P · March 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75542/struggles-on-the-farm

Welcome. I am so sorry to read your situation. As others have stated, your husband is not aware that he has a disease. His reasoning is broken. Arguing with him only cause more anger. I would talk to his neurologist about a medication change. That might help. Your husband should not be driving a car or any equipment. Alzheimer’s impacts your ability to drive and make good decisions. My advice at this point is to talk to your son and come up with a plan- without your husband. You need to take over all decisions now. Your husband is incapable. Decide what to do with the farm- bring in someone else to run it, sell it. Think about what you and you son want long term without your husband in the picture. Many here make these types of decisions based on what they want and where they want to live after stage 8 of their loved one’s disease. Safety is number one. Your husband running equipment is not safe for him or anyone else. Your insurance company will not cover an accident or damage if they find out he is operating equipment with this diagnosis. You will be forced to make many difficult decisions in this journey. Come back here for help. This group is extremely supportive and helpful.

H1235 · March 11

Welcome. I’m glad you have shared your story. You are in a tough spot! Early on mom insisted she could do things she was not able to do (still does). Her logic- if I can push my walker then there is no reason I can’t push a lawnmower. At first we moved her in with my brother just a few blocks from her house. She constantly wanted to go to her house to work on something she was not capable of. She was always angry with me. Anger, blame, and resentment are often directed at the person they believe is taking their independence away. I hope your son can understand this is the dementia not him. When we moved her to assisted living we stopped bringing her to her house and we got her on some different medication and things got a bit better. I think there was a bit of out of site out of mind going on. You are in a tough spot, since moving him away from it is probably not practical. Maybe an increase in medication for the summer would help. I know some people take issue with it, but I would consider if a fib of some sort would help. I imagine if you tell him the tractor isn’t running he will just want to fix it. Could you tell him that now that you are both getting older you want him to give up the farm work so you and him can enjoy some time together in retirement? Is he well enough that you could travel a bit during the summer? Or maybe suggest that your son needs work/money and you think it’s time to pass the day to day of the farming operation on to him. If a fib keeps him safe, saves him causing $ damage and can decrease his anxiety, then I think go ahead a fib. It is probably just going to be a constant struggle. Mom moved out of her house 3 years ago and is still worried about the curtains in her living room (just not as must as in the past). If you have been reading here I you have probably read about anosognosia. It is awful. I will attach a link just in case. I know having a name for it still doesn’t help. I will also add one about therapeutic fibs. The source is just a law firm I know nothing about, but I like their explanation.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

https://www.darpelelderlaw.com/therapeutic-fibs-and-dementia-a-compassionate-approach-rooted-in-love

Maru · March 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75542/struggles-on-the-farm

Google tells me that tractors have keys. If that is so, hide the key where only you and your son can find it. As to his anger issues, consider asking his doctor for medication or higher dosage of what he is taking. I hope that your son is well informed about his father's dementia and why he is the way he is. Knowing that his father cannot help his behavior might help him in dealing with it.

countrywife · March 11

Dearest Kann. I too am a farm wife. We are 3rd generation on my DH’s “frontier” family farm. Currently our land is in an FSA crop program and this is my first experience having to take the reins when unbeknownst to me, we had fallen out of compliance. It was a scary place to find myself and thankfully a young farmer stepped up to help guide me. It’s wonderful that you have your son and I hope it works out for him to continue. We live on the farm so DH was able to drive the property in a pickup or ATV even after losing his license last fall which allowed him to wean himself away. Slowly he has given up the “need” to use equipment, maybe because of winter but I’m hopeful spring doesn’t change anything. He has had a sideline spray business and he talked about needing to line up jobs but that hasn’t been mentioned in quite some time either. I would agree that removing the keys might be a good first step. I know that’s not something farmers typically do. I’d probably “fib” that we need to do it because of theft concern. I’m sorry I don’t have much to offer except that as a fellow farm family, I understand how our lives aren’t always understood by providers/resources in larger cities. And moving away from the only life our DH’s have ever know is not an option, at least not until this dreaded disease progresses further. I do know farm families are resilient and we will make it thru this. Hugs to you!

Biggles · March 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/267870#Comment_267870

It never ceases to amaze me the kindness, understanding and compassion that comes through this site and in this case from countrywife, the understanding from one farm wife to another. We all have different journeys to cope with and with alz and VD every journey is hard and difficult with enormous challenges. What is common in all cases is that our partners reasoner is broken and steps legally and otherwise need to be taken to protect ourselves and our partners. Be strong take all the necessary steps and then make the compassionate ones.

Goodlife2025 · March 13

Dear Kann, this is such a difficult disease and while we each have those things that are unique to our loved one w/ dementia; you are experiencing behaviors that do follow a common theme. Losing independence, their identity, and daily purpose. My advice is slightly different. We do not have farm on the level as you, Country Wife, and Chance Rider. However, we are BeeKeepers and have a multi site apiary.

I also had to make the decision if it was even possible to go on and if it was possible, did I really want to.

For this spring/summer maybe a version of what I did would be helpful. She is only 50 in good shape and leaps out of bed every morning with that embedded need to get the day and chores started. I had to take charge of DW's daily schedule (without her knowing it) telling her each day what we were working on doing (together). She can't drive our tractor, lifting and moving bee hives so I hired and had other bee keepers take that part over. I have been able to find people by putting the word out that I need some help. On a farm there is always things to do, for us/her it is prepping frames, sorting our honey jars, repairing wooden ware, shopping for supplies. And this summer a big project repairs to our chicken coop.

Giving her this redirection and guiding its urgency and showing my thankfulness for her help has been a key to making it through the stages of 3-5. I pray you find solutions that become available quickly. In the meantime I hear you Summer is coming! Summer is coming!

Kann · March 22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/267852#Comment_267852

Kann · March 22

Thanks so much for your kind comments & advice.

Thankful that right after DH diagnosis we set up a trust, have our finances in order & even bought burial plots. Our son does plan to stay on & work on the farm. He has built a house on the land. DH & I live on a separate, smaller plot a couple miles away. Unfortunately the distance doesn't keep him away. He rides the ATV over there. As the weather gets warmer he gets antsier to go. Can't stand that DS is doing something without him. The keys have been pulled from tractors. DH & I did have a battle over one set of tractor keys. After he knocked the barn door down, the keys were removed, but the next day he was livid! Screaming at me to give him the key. I told him it was getting dark & he didn't need to be starting anything that late, but he continued to yell at me, pressing his finger to my chest pushing me & telling me it was his farm, he paid for it, not me & if I didn't like it I could leave! We've been married almost 32 years. Understanding that it was the disease talking didn't make those words hurt any less. (By the way, I ended up throwing the key at him. My son had to help him find it. He hasn't tried to drive it since.) Yes, I have moments that I don't handle the situation very well. We have two daughters with familes that visit frequently which is a welcome distraction. DH doesn't admit to his diagnosis. Told myself & children not to tell a soul. As it has progressed we have shared with people close to us. DH doesn't want to take meds as there's nothing wrong with him. Doesn't want to see the Dr for the same reason. When he's mad at me he doesn't take his meds. A change in meds would probably make a difference, but it's such a struggle to get him to take them. Wants to know why they look different. I said it was a switch in brands to get Medicare to pay. But I'm at a loss for words when he asks what they're for. I tell him it's to help his brain, but he says they don't do anything. The times I fib or use other tactics as a distraction he knows he's being worked & only makes him mad. Crazy how he needs reminders to shower, but recognizes when I'm playing him.

Struggles on the farm

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