Refusing to go to the the doctor

Kann · March 26

I went to town today with DH. While at lunch, I mentioned going shopping while we're in the city Monday. He asked why we would be in the city. I told him he had an appointment with the brain doctor. He shook his head & said, "I'm not going." I said you promised the doctor you would come back in a year. He said, "I don't care, I'm not going." We went to the car & I drove in silence a little while. Finally, I said, "Why are you so against going?" He said there's nothing they can do. Nothing helps. He & I both stayed calm throughout the talk (yay!). I said, "We need to go to talk with them to see what we can do differently." He said there's nothing. When the time comes, take me out in freezing weather & leave me to die. I said, "That will never happen. This appointment is not just for you, it's for me. To help me help you. Don't you trust me? (Silence) I don't know what to do with you sometimes. You scare me. He laughs & says, Oh boy!" I said, "It's true! See? You don't see it, but everyone else does. I need help!" (Silence) We went in the store, conversation over.

He never wants to go to the doctor. Won't always take his meds. Majority of the time he thinks nothing is wrong with him.

Advice?

BPS · March 26

I think sometimes it is a single word that makes a difference. Maybe just say doctor don't say brain doctor. try not to say anything that relates to brain or dementia unless they want to talk about it which my wife never did.

RetiredTeacher · March 26

I tell mine it's time for his annual appt and if he doesn't go, Medicare will kick him off the insurance.

Millerps1 · March 27

My DH was recently diagnosed with ALZ and he has never been sick and never really has had to go to doctors. He wouldn’t go for the longest due to his FAA medical. Luckily, he didn’t pass his reoccurrence so he couldn’t fly more so got him to the doctor. It was slow go getting the diagnosis due to all the testing which he hated. Yesterday he was to go for a neuropsychiatric evaluation and refused to go even though he scheduled it the day before when we were with the doctor. I’m in healthcare so I have told him the same thing that medicare is requiring it or we will lose it. It’s so hard and he gets frustrated and then I get frustrated.

RetiredTeacher · March 27

It is so hard. We have Kaiser but my husband is a veteran so I wanted him to enroll in VA health care. I know how much he hates drs, doesn't even want a blood test but I told him we had to sign him up because tge VA offers help for drmentia vefs and caregivers that Kaiset does not. I told him in the future I may need that help so he agreed to enroll. Not sure how he will react when he has his first VA drs appt.....

howhale · March 27

I found this an interesting post. As I read it seems that your DH knows his condition and what it means. If he is that aware and truly understands his condition and where it likely (probably definitely) leads, perhaps you need to find a resource to help you deal with the issue. I suggest this, not because you are doing anything wrong, but because it is not likely you will change his mind and you will need help dealing with his position. Unless one of the suggestions offered above works to convince him to visit the doctor, you may be on a very difficult path. My DW refused to go the doctor any longer or to take any medications (no matter how well any of us tried to disguise them). After trying unsuccessfully so many times, the doctors suggested it was time to bring in hospice. Your comments suggest that your DH is not at that point but, rather, is just fully aware of his diagnosis (maybe not the formal term but his condition?) and has decided not to pursue help he sees as futile anyway. I must admit, having lived through this nightmare, that I have considered how I would respond if I got this diagnosis at a stage where I truly grasped the facts about it. Would I want to burden others with my condition possibly for years, ruining or seriously damaging their health? I hope you find a solution to help your DH and for yourself. Your situation adds yet another complexity to this already overwhelming disease.

H1235 · March 27

I agree with howhale. When mom’s neurologist suggested a follow up I asked for the reason and need of it. She said some people like that regular check in to see how things are progressing, but said many just get the diagnosis and don’t come back and there was nothing wrong with that. We did two follow up visits and then stopped. He may eventually need medication for dementia symptoms, but if his PCP is able to do that I wouldn’t worry about the specialist. You said you needed the doctor to help you help him. In my experience most doctors are not much help when it comes to the day to days struggles of caring for a person with dementia. You might want to look for a good dementia seminar. This site has a link. YouTube has some great dementia sites, Teepa Snow is great and so is careblazers. I have found this website to be very helpful. I’m sorry! I will attach a few resources that may be helpful if you haven’t run across them yet.

Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts (2).pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

Kann · March 27

Thanks for the thoughts & suggestions! I will definitely look into the links.

DH still wants to be in control. I was trying to convince him to go to the doctor by telling him I needed the doctor to help me help him. Thinking he might give in if it was for me. I believe he's in moderate stage of EOAD. He's physically fit. The main issue is controlling his agitation. He takes Fluoxetine, but sometimes refuses to take it if he's mad at me. Sometimes it doesn't seem to be doing anything. I wonder if he needs an increase or change. Not sure he would accept a change.

jfkoc · March 27

Everything now is in the approach!!!

H1235 · March 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268935#Comment_268935

I would not tell him there is a change in the dose. Mom didn’t want to take medication the doctor prescribed for her (in her words ) “so called *#=$ mood problems”. I waited a a few days and told her it was for her blood pressure. She was fine with that. Being dishonest is hard, but I know there was no reasoning with her and she needed the medication.

Refusing to go to the the doctor

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