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My oldest dearest friend has dementia

My friend since 1980, the person who has stood by me through thick and thin, who has always been there for me, even when I was living far away…had a fall resulting in a brain bleed in October 2025. I had been visiting her one afternoon a week before this happened and even then, I thought there was a slight amount of cognitive decline, somewhat normal for an 83 year old.

The fall exacerbated the decline and although she has come back somewhat, she is no longer the same person she was before. She has a wonderful, caring and understanding family, so that is not an issue. She is still living in her own home.

The issue is, she is not driving and her family members work, so I have nominated myself as activity director. I was activity director of an Memory Care Unit for a short period years ago. I now visit her for 3 or 4 hours, two afternoons a week. Sometimes we go shopping, or out to lunch, or watch a movie, go for a walk, sit and talk, play Rummy Cube (which she wins more than not!) I try to redirect when she gets fixated on something, and patiently answer the questions she repeats multiple times.

The QUESTION is how do I deal with the fatigue that I feel after these visits? The sadness? How do I process the loss? The heartache?

Any wisdom or experience you can share will be appreciated.

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Comments

  • harshedbuzz
    harshedbuzz Member Posts: 6,940
    Ninth Anniversary 1,500 Insightfuls Reactions 1,500 Likes 5000 Comments
    Member

    @CAROL F

    You're an exceptional friend. IME, most folks pull away as their LOs become more impacted by dementia for a lot of reasons.

    You're tired because being cruise director for a PWD is exhausting work. In a healthy relationship, both parties do the work of socializing pretty equally. When dementia enters the picture, you become a caregiver which requires a level of vigilance and planning that is work.

    What might help you is support. A talk therapist or local support group where you meet with other caregivers could be helpful.

    HB

  • SusanB-dil
    SusanB-dil Member Posts: 970
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Likes 100 Insightfuls Reactions
    Member

    Hi Carol F - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. totally agree with harshedbuzz… lots of wisdom there.

    You are being a great friend - and please continue to browse various subjects and situations within this forum. I'm sure it is difficult to see such a decline in your friend.

  • ScoutT
    ScoutT Member Posts: 1
    First Comment
    Member
    I have a similar experience. 2 years after her MCI diagnosis, one of my oldest friends fell and suffered a brain injury. This was in March 2025. I have been her primary caregiver since she was released from the hospital. Her spouse left her. With her sister's help, we got her moved into independent living in a retirement facility. I see her for a few hours 5 days a week.

    As much as I love and care for her, the work is exhausting. We are both in our mid-70s. I joined a dementia caregiver support group that meets online. I find that very helpful. I've also done many hours of research about dementia, caregiving and self-care for caregivers. There are some great videos on dementia caregiving on social media.

    We have lost our dear friend long before she is dead. Each time we are together, I am reminded. We used to work together and collaborate. Now I have to remind her of how to do things at which she used to excel (or do them for her). She's unable to drive and too shy to make new friends. Just answering the same question over and over tires me out and makes me so sad. For my own sanity I know I have to cut back on how much time I spend with her.
  • Maru
    Maru Member Posts: 544
    500 Likes 500 Care Reactions 100 Insightfuls Reactions 100 Comments
    Member

    From what you have said, it sounds to me that your time with her is spent on working on some project. I can understand why that would be exhausting. Have you considered going to see her to just visit and not work at something or other. Maybe go and suggest a walk around the grounds, or going just to have lunch with her. Make it a point to spend only an hour or so.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more