Concerned newcomer

Treeman0821 · April 1

Hi,

I just created an account for this group,hoping to find support and helpful information.

I am a loving partner to a 76-year-old woman who has been exhibiting memory lapses, delusions, and paranoia. I care deeply for her and am trying to figure out how best to help her, beginning with that first awkward, sensitive conversation about my concerns for her. Her refrain has been, "I'm not insane" but recent episodes (lost wallet, anxiety/anger over medical appointments, delusional accusations of my infidelity with another man, lost memories of how we met, difficulty managing dates,).

She has a son who lives 200 miles away. He says he's concerned but has yet to have a conversation with me. I have been seeing my beloved for just over a year now, and I desperately want to help her in any way I can. She lives in an apartment in a town 20 miles from me.

Thank you. After perusing the posts and replies in this forum, I feel hopeful and finally connected with those who have courageously traveled this steep, uneven terrain.

Peace and strength to you all.

Treeman

Jeff H · April 1

I'm sorry you had to create an account here, but you are in good hands. Ask anything at anytime.

She needs to see a neurologist to diagnose her condition and offer remedies. There are medications to help. I would be concerned about the 20-mile distance between you if she starts to wander.

Treeman0821 · April 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/269264#Comment_269264

Thank you, Jeff. I hope to get her in to see a neurologist soon. It feels good to find a supportive "home" here.

Jeff H · April 1

You will ALWAYS have support here!

SDianeL · April 1

welcome. Sorry about your partner. It’s urgent that she is diagnosed and she should no longer be living alone. It’s not safe and she is vulnerable for scammers. Her son needs to see an attorney asap and get a DPOA and Medical POA. He needs to plan for her long term care. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which explains the disease and gives caregiving tips. Ask her son to read it too. Come here often for info and support.

Treeman0821 · April 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/269274#Comment_269274

Thank you for your support and for the helpful information. 🙏🏼🕯

jgreen · April 1

Dear @Treeman0821

Welcome. You’ve found a great group here. You’ve gotten great advice already. And the list of your LOs behaviors shows you are observant and care deeply for her. I am attaching an assessment tool to give you an idea about possible disease stage. It is one of many resources on Tam Cummings’ website. Use this to document your observations when you get her in to see the neurologist. Be prepared for a diagnosis to take time and perhaps a few visits before anything is confirmed.

Dementia Behavioral Assessment.pdf

Not sure how forthcoming healthcare providers will be with you if you are not her DPOA. Fingers crossed for you. And I hope her son is willing to step up and help manage her care. She could be reaching a point where she needs 24/7 supervision for her own safety and well-being. Safety is the number one responsibility of a caregiver.

And one last tip - one of the symptoms of dementia is a term called anosognosia which is the inability to recognize a cognitive decline or deficit. The brain is broken and dying and she is unable to understand this awful process. So reasoning with her or trying to explain things is not going to work and may make things worse for both of you. Learn to stop or pause and listen to her and YOU need to try to get into her reality. Come up with ‘therapeutic fibs’ to help relieve her anxiety. An example would be if she is hesitant to go to the doctor, tell her that it is required by her insurance, or something along those lines.

I hope you check back with us and let us know how you and your love are doing. Prayers and hugs 🙏 💝

H1235 · April 1

Welcome. People with dementia often have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. It can be very difficult to deal with and dangerous when they put themselves in situations they can’t handle. Trying to convince someone with dementia they need to be evaluated can be very difficult(often times impossible). It’s often necessary to give the doctor a note with concerns and symptoms you are seeing. Bringing these things up at an appointment would generally not go over well and without this information the doctor may not be concerned enough to order proper testing and a referral. The therapeutic fib jgreen mentioned or just doing things without consulting her may work best. We have a saying here, you cant reason with someone who’s reasoner is broken. It just doesn’t work. I’m glad you found us.

Michele P · April 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75696/concerned-newcomer

Welcome. You have been given great advice here. She needs to see a neurologist and neuropsychologist immediately. Unfortunately, the appointment with a neurologist can take six months or more for a new patient. She might be able to get an appointment with a neuropsychologist sooner. This doctor will give her a two and a half hour cognitive test that will determine is she has cognitive impairment.
A brain MRI and brain PET scan will need to get ordered by a neurologist for a definitive diagnosis. A neuropsychologist might be able to order these scans. There are several blood tests now specifically for Alzheimer’s that can be ordered. I would start keeping notes on the symptoms you are seeing and have a frank discussion with her son. This list should be shared with her doctors privately. Some people with dementia have a condition where there are never aware that they have cognitive impairment. They can do what is called showtiming where they can convince a doctor that they are fine. She cannot be left alone. An elder law attorney should be consulted immediately to get her legal affairs in order and establish someone to take over her DPOA and financials while she can still sign legal documents. Come back here for help and get her son on this site so he understands what is ahead for him and his mother.

BPS · April 1

I think you will be limited on what you can do since you are not related. You need to talk to her son about the legal papers DPOA and try to get him involved ASAP. If he is not willing you may need to contact Adult Protective Services. Others on here have mentioned them for similar circumstances. It is great that you are doing all that you are, but you shouldn't take on any legal or financial responsibilities for this, your support and caring will be hard enough.

Concerned newcomer

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