How do I take away responsibilities?

paulchiba · April 1

I am the person responsible for my sister who has frontal temporal dementia. She has 24/7 care in her home and has been paying her own bills and everyday items. I have been overseeing her accounts to make sure that she doesn't overspend, but now we are at the point where we she can no longer be responsible. This has been a significant source of her independence and changes like this have been met with huge tantrums. Any suggestions on how to proceed or resources? Thanks!

Victoriaredux · April 3

Welcome to this Board, this section "Caring long distance" doesn't get as many eyes on it so feel free to read and post in the other sections.

Do you hold your sisters DPOA and possibly health care directive? I would read them and see what powers it allows you. [If she didn't sign those documents naming you, best step would be to see an elder law attorney and if she isn't felt competent to sign then you may be looking at a conservator ship].

First, if there are the documents are they triggered or do you need to have letters from Doctor(s) to activate your powers.

Discussing these type of changes with a person with dementia is futile - they won't understand and as you found, react emotionally. Best is to work around them when you legally can .

If your powers under the document are active what a professional fiduciary often does when taking over a new client is close and move the accounts to new institutions - that prevents old checks from being honored, and you can direct the financial mail to you , leaving her birthday cards , magazines etc. to come to her house. The attorney can explain the best way to title these accounts to avoid problems.

The only account you may want to keep would be one that receives income streams from Social Security or a pension because moving them is a hassle - but you can arrange on moving that money out quickly to avoid her getting to it.

For incidental cash you can give her a cash card with a limit that you can monitor on line and then refill from another account at the same bank for ease.

If she still wants to "write checks" she can use the old invalid account checks and have her caregiver shred them when she can't hear or see the noise. Or save them for you to review when you visit.

If she likes the whole check, envelope, stamp routine, get her pretty stickers ,cheaper than 78 cents or whatever today's postage is. At some point she'll forget about that activity.

A harder to manage situation is the phone, is she likely to give out SSN DOB etc over the phone? When you have an active DPOA it is a good idea to freeze her credit.

H1235 · April 3

Welcome. Trying to convince her she can’t handle these things anymore is probably not going to work. Early on I would go to her house once a week and we would sit down and do bills together. Eventually she started losing track of the bill and that didn’t work. I changed the mailing address for all of moms bill and important information to my address. She hardly noticed and still felt some independence because she was sorting through her junk mail. The ability to buy whatever she wanted from the store has been more difficult. She was angry that she couldn’t keep her debit card in her wallet, but she knew my brother kept it in his wallet. He let her buy anything. As DPOA I eventually took the debit card from him. She became very angry with me about not being able to buy whatever ridiculous nonsense she wanted at the store. It finally got to the point that I just refuse to take her to the store. I never know what she is going to insist she needs and throwing a fit in the store is always a concern. Mom never bought things online, so that was a good thing. Rather than telling her she can’t have her debit card, you might try just taking it. She may assume she lost it. Is she still capable enough that she could figure out how to have the card replaced(my mom would have never been able to do this). So much depends on her abilities and your specific situation. I was always worried my deadbeat niece would drive her to the bank. I hope you find a solution that doesn’t cause either of you too much stress.

How do I take away responsibilities?

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