How long to visit / What to do

TheCatWantsOut · April 4

Background context: My father has progressed quite rapidly in the past year. I only get second-hand reports from his doctors appointments but they contain the words "dementia", "Alzheimers" and "Parkinsons". Maybe it doesn't matter. He shuffles very slowly with a walker, and needs someone by his side telling him when to turn and how to sit down. He seems to understand what people are saying but when speaking he can only repeat back what was said to him or say "yes" or "no". He lives at home with 24-hour care. During the day his only activities are watching TV, eating the meals the aide prepares, and occasionally going to the bathroom.

My question is basically looking for suggestions for what to do during my visits. Honestly, visiting him is awkward because I am not a naturally chatty person and he can no longer maintain a conversation. Recently I have been visiting for an hour or two, mostly watching TV with him, telling him about the weather or traffic, and looking for minor things to fix around the house. I feel like I should be doing more. Internet suggestions on the topic are almost exclusively "have them fold dishtowels"; I don't think my father has folded a dishtowel in his life. Any other suggestions appreciated.

JulietteBee · April 4

"I don't think my father has folded a dishtowel in his life. Any other suggestions appreciated."

I am sorry but that is funny. 😂

I would suggest that you.gp.with what feels natural to you. Chat with him awhile, updating him on things happening in your life. You can chat about what he is watching on tv. Find a task you want to undertake and invite him to join you in the other area of the house where you will be. He can observe. If it is a simple task, you could ask him for his help, passing you items. Doing any of the above is beneficial to both of you. You are able to chronicle his decline and you can provide mental stimulation.

My mom's neurologist suggests that my goal is to help her preserve the level of functioning she still has. My mom was an RN. Though she is having difficulty remembering to take her meds, when I put them out for her, I have her tell me which ones to put in the morning vs. evening slots. I also have her identify her meds for me based on color or imprint.

H1235 · April 4

I would try to think of what your dad enjoyed before dementia and try to build a simple activity off that. Mom has always loved crafts, so I try to bring a craft project sometimes. The problem is things that are simple enough she finds beneath her. It can be difficult. If he was mechanical maybe matching nuts and bolt, if he enjoyed golf maybe sort golf ball in some way, could you have him help you sort through an old tackle box, a simple puzzle, look through old photo albums together, have a meal together at the table (bring a favorite dish) or maybe a simple wood working kit like you would buy for a young kid. So much depends on what he is still capable of. It could be you are the one that feels uncomfortable and he is perfectly fine just having you there (although I understand that a break from the tv would probably be good). I hope something here is helpful.

ARIL · April 5

I bought my dad a digital photo frame and uploaded about 400 pictures that I scanned from across his life. (I did not do this all at once.) For a little more than two years now, these pictures have provided a main conversation topic. Sometimes we (or, increasingly, I) just identify people and places. Sometimes a picture sparks a few minutes of conversation about something. Sometimes we just watch them go by. I have it set to change every 20 seconds. Way better than a TV program. No commercials. :)

When I visit we often just sit together. Being together has its own value. Sometimes we take a walk—even a very short one. We might share a snack or a drink.

Simple things can be good. I too have read all the stuff about folding towels, and I just rolled my eyes. But when I need to complete a chore and can think of something he can help me with, it does feel like a valuable interaction. “Help” can look like something as simple as telling me which of two shirts he likes better when I am hanging up clean clothes.

For me the emotional point of a visit is to experience a connection. As the disease progresses, I am seeing more and more that that can happen in very simple ways. Today, for example, we laughed together for a few seconds. It was genuine, and it felt good.

kblau · April 6

Dominoes - my mom can still play and she is nonverbal

How long to visit / What to do

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