I need to vent about my grandmother and an endless cycle.....

seanfranchise6 · March 2

I'm 39 and currently my 85 year old grandmother has dementia. I've been living with her for a number of years and 2 years ago she was officially diagnosed with dementia. For the past 4 months, she has been packing multiple bags daily to "go home" when she's already at the home she's lived in for the past 25 years. From pocketbooks to reusable shopping bags to pillowcases to plastic garbage bags filled with clothes/underwear/shoes/random papers/pictures. Every morning starts with her putting these bags in the back seat of her car and a knock on my room door with "Let's go, I need to check on the house." I tell her every day that she is home. She argues with me constantly throughout the day about needing to go home. I've even taken her outside her own home, show her the numbers on the front of the house that show her address. Proving that she is home. She has become easily irritable about small things that happen like running out of coffee and treating it like it's the end of all things. She acts at times like a spoiled 10 year old who doesn't get her way. Lately, when she has brought up where her clothes are, I've shown her the bags she's stuffed with them and she calls me a liar. Says I'm plotting to get rid of her. There's no other voices but my own in the house and she won't believe a word I say. I've tried to get my uncle, her son, down here to see what I go through often, but he's going through health issues as well. I'm alone. I'm burnt out. I need help and a break.

SusanB-dil · March 2

Hello and welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Grandmother has anosognosia. This is not denial, but rather, the inability to see or believe that anything is wrong. Arguing will not help. It will just get her more agitated and you more frustrated. Do tell her doctor that she is agitated. There are prescriptions that can dial back the agitation without being zombied.

The book 'The 36-hour Day' has a lot of insight, as well as Tam Cummings videos. When you are overwhelmed, you can call the alz line 24/7 at 800-272-3900, ask for care support

Who has DPOA and HIPAA accesses? This is important.

Also - yes - you do need a break. Please look into adult daycare near you for a day or three or more a week.

Rule #1: Don't argue with a PWD. Rule #1: Must take care of yourself. Rule #2: See rule #1 - both of them!

Damiross · March 2

My 74 years old wife often says she needs to go home. She may pick up some small things like a magazine page when she says this but she hasn't ever packed clothes.

In the evening, I tell we can't go now because it is dark outside and I cannot drive in the dark. I also let her know that we are home. That works sometimes.

Hospice care is specialized support for individuals with terminal illnesses, including dementia. It focuses on providing comfort and enhancing the quality of life during the final stages of the disease. The goal is to manage pain and other symptoms while addressing emotional and spiritual needs. It is not necessarily for the terminal ill.

My wife was placed on hospice. I didn't realize that hospice wasn't only for terminal cases. Hospice allows for a nurse to come in a couple of times a week to check on her. I also get a companion ("babysitter") a couple of times a week that allows me to gt out of the apartment for 2 or 3 hours.

H1235 · March 2

Welcome. SusanB-sil gave some great advice. You might try calling your local commission on aging. They can give you local resources that might be helpful. Her brain is not working properly, trying to reason with her and use logic are pointless. It’s only going to cause you both stress. It’s hard to get used to. It seems like it’s time to consider medication to ease her anxiety. It can take a while to find the best medication and dose. I’m not quite sure what you can do about her packing up every day. Maybe you could help her pack some things she won’t need into a couple of small boxes and just leave the in a corner so they are “ready to go”. Could you tell her you will take her next month or next week, in the hopes that she will forget and hopefully hold off on packing? Could you stop her from packing by distracting her with something else. You said she acts like a 10 year old. I will attach the dbat if you look closely you will see that it does actually give a rough age equivalence at each stage. She is aging backwards and that’s probably about where she is at. My mom told me she could do whatever she wanted and I couldn’t stop her because I’m not the boss of her. I think she was in the terrible teens. The DPOA is very important. Don’t delay. She needs to be considered competent to sign. I’m glad you found our group.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

SDianeL · March 3

welcome. Sorry about your grandmother. For people with dementia, home is a feeling, not a physical place. It’s caused by anxiety. Medication will help her anxiety. Talk to her doctor. Remember that you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Try fibbing. Tell her you’ll go in a few days. Some try driving around and returning home and that works temporarily.

Chammer · March 3

If you are able, you might try to minimize the amount of "stuff" you GM has to pack so there is less to unpack. Move clothes/shoes she doesn't wear to another room, closet, or donate. Relocate pictures and papers so they arent visible or immediately available for her to pack. Keep a bare minimum of bags available for her to pack in. I know trash bags need to be handy but maybe stash several under the current trash bag in the can so the box can be put in a non visible location.

When she talks about going home, deflect... we can go later when it stops raining, when the sun comes up, after we've had our walk. Then maybe ask her what is her favorite thing about home or something similar to have her talk about it and hopefully bring up pleasant thoughts. And gently guide the conversation to another subject. I wouldn't ask her to "remember" anything specific and i would stop telling and showing her she is home. She isn't home in her mind when she is seeking "home" The first rule ofthe dementia fight club (thank you, @harshedbuzz) is that you live in her world now. She can't come to ours.

samremyva · April 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75482/i-need-to-vent-about-my-grandmother-and-an-endless-cycle

First, please don't be offended if you already know these things.. I am a caregiver and learning more every day.. So - make sure you have all the car keys, as it is clear she can't be driving. I love the idea posted above about packing some things and leaving them and telling her that you're going "in a few days".. I would definitely try that. From what my mom says, it's clear she remembers things farther back than I think.. so your grandmother may be thinking of a home she had BEFORE this one. or maybe even before that.. So the one she is in isn't the right one. That is a harder thing to manage, but putting off the 'trip' to visit it is still worth a try. My mom has decided she likes puzzle books. There are many on Amazon, large print, adult, memory help books with word searches, mazes, "find the differences" pictures, etc. Sometimes she gets completely into them and can't hear me when I ask her questions.. I would try one if you can to kind of direct that energy. As far as acting like a 10 yr old.. My mom covers her ears and closes her eyes like a 5 yr old.. I have found that just agreeing with her about most things helps.. because she has to be right.. Her memory is infallible even though she may say she 'can't remember anything' one second.. the next second, her brain has made up something outlandish and it's absolutely the truth!

This illness is one horrible thing, that's for sure.. Try to laugh at things when you can.. I try to laugh all the time.. mainly so I don't scream or cry! But today I found this site and I realize I'm not alone in this..❤️

I need to vent about my grandmother and an endless cycle.....

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