New member. Caring for DH

My DH is somewhere between early and middle stage. He was diagnosed in 2022, at age 71, 13 months after my mother died of Alzheimer’s (she stopped taking nourishment) at the age of 93. That was a nightmare because it was Covid with my mom and no paid caregivers were available when she started needing 24 h caregiving so it was 2 of my 3 sisters and one of my 4 brothers. who did the 24 h caregiving. Except oops, my brother died of a stroke 4 months before my mom died. I say of that year my life was on fire. My remaining brothers and another sister were unavailable to help for various understandable reasons.

My DH (whose mother also has Alzheimer’s but lives across the country with two live in caregivers) is also hard of hearing, won’t wear his hearing aids. He has started confabulating and says I’ve done something (said something hurtful or done something to make his life difficult, hidden things, “screamed” at him etc.

Its weird and I feel so confused and I’m drowning in grief. I keep thinking I can reason with him because he can still act fairly normally. He will bring me a “paperwork” problem, (he’s obsessed with finances) and then immediately becomes enraged if I try to help. I’ve said the wrong thing, I am trying to confuse him, I’m “screaming” etc etc
I can’t seem to stop getting sucked in. I don’t know how to placate or calm him, I heard him on the phone telling his brother he was going to divorce me, and it hurts as if I didn’t know he had dementia. I should know better. I’m a health care provider with advanced degrees in psych, have a private practice where people ask me for help with situations, and I know what to say but I can’t do it. I do try to say the right things but I feel like all that he hears is either gobbledygook (Like the adults talking in a Charlie Brown video) or something entirely unrelated to what I did.
I am trying so hard to do better.