Worst Chapter Of My Life Begins ..

bwanasil · April 9

After being together for 56 years , I am going to be separated from my lovely wife who suffers from this dreaded disease…I did my best to keep her home for the longest of time but unfortunately, being Carer 24/7 has taken a toll on me Next week she goes into an Assisted Living Home. Just looking at her brings tears to my eyes. Don’t know what I am going to do when she is gone. How do handle this dreadful situation?

MaryMN · April 9

You will still be taking care of your lovely wife, but now you can resume the role of loving husband instead of exhausted caregiver. An assisted living or memory care unit has dozens of people who can take care of your wife, go home after their shift, and return refreshed tomorrow. Remember, you are doing this FOR her, not TO her.

blacksparky · April 9

I can’t even imagine what you are going through even though I will be there some day just like you. I also have vowed to keep my DW at home with me as long as possible but the time will come that I will have to decide if my LO can get the best care from me or a facility that specializes in this care. At that time I will become her toughest advocate and not her primary caregiver. Prayers sent for you and your LO.

RedLeg · April 9

We have also been husband and wife for 56 years. I can relate with you because I know in the near future, we'll be going down the same road, having to find and set up an assisted living arrangement, I think about it daily. I too have kept DW home with me for the longest time and will continue to do so as long as I can, but with her also being type 1 diabetic, caregiving is becoming more difficult as time goes on. Hang in there, I get it, I too get tears in my eyes when I look into DW eyes…..

harshedbuzz · April 9

@bwanasil

I'm sorry you are facing the progression that makes this necessary.

FWIW, the weeks leading up to placing dad in MC were some of the most difficult emotionally of my life. Thinking about it made me feel physically ill. That said, once he was placed, he got better care than he did at home from my mom. The bonus was that she was able to revert to the role of doting wife rather than exhausted caregiver resented as being a nag.

One caveat, if you have a close friend or family member, see if they could go with you the day of or meet you in the parking lot after.

HB

annie51 · April 10

It is the hardest thing you will do…but everyone here is right that once you see the good care she gets and get acquainted with her caregivers you will feel a sense of relief that you can now just be her husband and her advocate without the stress of 24 hour care. The first few weeks will be very emotional for you, but after a while you’ll get on a regular visiting schedule, you’ll get to know some of the other residents and their spouses and it becomes part of your day. You will adjust to this just like you had to adjust to all the new challenges you faced along the way. Praying that it will go well for you both.

RMD0709 · April 10

I believe your decision to make this move shows truly how much you love your wife! Taking care of my MIL and FIL with AD, and now my husband with AD who just turned 71 yo with Stage 5, I have learned that the journey is not ours…this terrible disease takes so much control away from us! I am a RN with all the skills needed to care for any ill person, and I can promise you that not even all of those skills allowed me to care for my FIL in our home after 2 years. There came a time when I had to wave the "white flag" and say "I cannot any longer." I was disappointed in myself as I was certain I could until the end, but I could not. After placing him in an assisted living, I could regain my own peace of mind, my own strength and well-being back and once again be a DIL and not the sole caregiver. I know this is very different as you are caring for you wife! This is a completely different relationship! However, I am now caring for my husband with AD and can see the inevitable patterns and pathway. I believe I was blessed to take care of my MIL and FIL to help give myself the grace needed to care for my husband, even when the time comes to once again "wave the white flag" and say, I need help…I cannot do this in our home any longer, and know that it is okay! There are wonderful people to help in assisted living homes! And just like you, I can become the "spouse" again and not the caregiver. Please give yourself the grace to accept this. You are doing an amazing job caring for your wife!! Blessings to you!

tboard · April 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75771/worst-chapter-of-my-life-begins

I feel your pain. My Dh has been in memory care for two weeks. He adjusted quickly, I am having trouble dealing with it. I go to see him every day. I am enjoying freedom for the first time in my life but I miss him so much it is hard to function. We have been married for 46 years and I have never lived alone.

It does help to see him and see that he is being cared for and that they are doing a better job than I could do. I don't know how I am going to get used to this. Not at all how we planned to spend our "golden" years.

Dusty217 · April 12

I fear I will be there sooner than later. I have only been married to my DH for 11 years and love him dearly. He is 240 lbs of mostly muscle and I am only 160 lbs and small boned. I fear the agitation stages and the physical care stages as well. Right now we are in the early stage of 3-4 and no agitation but once that starts it will be hard for me to keep both of us safe. He may need to be placed earlier than either of us plan.

Worst Chapter Of My Life Begins ..

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