DH in denial

Did I write this? You describe my life perfectly, until last week when I joined here. I was obsessed for days reading every comment, article, resources. Starting this past Tuesday I have told our 3 closest friends and LO's sister. I'm a new person, my anger is better, not gone but I finally understand, really understand. I've stopped the constant arguing from remembering what I heard here, "you can't reason with someone who's reasoner is broken". I slip up constantly but I have a new attitude. She's sick, not being a jerk even though it feels that way. We're just starting this and don't have an official diagnosis. But after 44 years I can see the problem and friends here have helped me understand more.

Hang in there, you have landed where people know and have lived experience to learn from.

Welcome. Your husband probably will never accept his diagnosis. Along with your adult children, come up with a plan to assist you and keep both of you safe. If you have not done so, see an elder law attorney and get your affairs in order while he can still sign documents. You will have to take over everything including finances. Get accounts, log in and passwords for all of his accounts, bank accounts, brokerage accounts. Get the same for computer and phone. Get a plan b in place with your family in the event you can no longer care for him. This involves touring memory care facilities and putting him on a waitlist with a refundable deposit. Call in home care agencies and get quotes. Call your local Council for the Aging and find out what services are available including adult day care. Put TILE gps trackers on phones, wallet, keys. Through the Life 360 app, it tracks the person and items. He should not be driving. If he gets into an accident, you can get sued for everything you own. Insurance companies will not cover an accident with a dementia diagnosis. Get the book The 36 Hour Day. It will help you prepare for what’s next. Come back for help and support.

I could have written this a year ago. I thought as you do that if he would just acknowledge it we could move forward. I didn’t want this diagnosis but I did want to be in it “together”. When one half of the couple denies the cognitive reality you no longer have a “shared reality” and that makes it lonely and hard. My DH was diagnosed a year ago with MCI and then the wait for neurology was another 9 months. He also refused appointments but I just kept the appointment and learned how to change the subject and managed to get him there. He now has an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. So don’t ask, just start to do what needs doing. See an elder attorney for POA and to get your estate in order. Start taking over bill paying, making appointments, whatever he used to do. We told our kids together and he refused to tell his siblings so I gave a deadline for him to inform them and then when the deadline arrived we called them and I told them.
He dismissed the seriousness by saying “the psychologist didn’t know what she was doing”. He still hasn’t told his friends. I’ve told my friends and our mutual friends. I found it’s a lot of baby steps and just doing what needs to be done. It’s a lot so give yourself some grace.

@kcobbcalls

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

Your DH has anosognosia which is the inability to recognize their own condition. Even if he occasionally admits to a poor memory, he won't be able to parse the impact on his abilities nor will he recognize the other symptoms of dementia— changes in mood, lack of social filter, lack of empathy, poor executive function. This is not denial. In a lot of ways, it is a protective response to the horror of what's happening to their brain.

You aren't ever going to convince him of his lack of capacity. The first rule of Dementia Fight Club is never try to reason with someone who has a broken reasoner. Since he doesn't recognize it, it will just feel like gaslighting and damage your relationship. Better to let this slide and remain his ally.

The other thing you are seeing is showtiming. This is when a PWD is able to get their act together briefly for friends, doctors and family who aren't there 24/7. This can be crazy-making for the caregiver as it prevents others from seeing the reality of the situation. In the case of doctors, it can interfere with getting help when needed. My own dad could showtime like there was an Oscar in it for him. He was so pleasant and engaged at his geripsych appointments that I had to send the doc a video I made of aggressive "at-home dad" threatening violence to unlock the meds needed to keep mom safe.

He's never going to acknowledge the impact of any of this on you. TBH, it's unlikely anyone else who isn't living it will either. At some point, you will be taking over all of the tasks associated with your household. Depending on your current set up and your DH's personality, this may need to be done discretely. If he is aware you've taken over, not only won't you get credit, he may become agitated. None of this is fair because you've already lost the ability to talk any of this over with the person you would normally have turned to. It's an adjustment; one he's not able to make which means you have to or this disease will take you both down.

Come here often. If you're still struggling, medication might be useful. Your post reminds me of my mom just after dad's diagnosis; a support group, therapy and well-chosen meds helped her get to Stage 8 in one piece.

HB