Buying

Ed's mom · April 18

It's been a lifelong problem, prepping. A recent move necessitated giving away an entire cellar of goods she had bought, saved for the future.

Now at the beginning of our Alzheimer's journey, we're in two rooms. Today I saw her list, we don't need to prep.

When I brought it up it became that I wasn't going to control money and what she buys.

I suggested we talk to her therapist and now we're not talking.

Any suggestions? I have not stopped her or said no before this about her buying. It's accelerating quickly.

Call me Gram · April 18

What does she say she is prepping for? Do the two of you meet with a therapist together? (Sometimes they can help mediate issues like this. But as we know, it is not really possible to reason with someone with dementia.)

This is a difficult situation. I hope someone here has experience and/or wisdom they can share with you. My heart goes out to you.

Michele P · April 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75839/buying

You will not win this battle. Her brain and reasoning is broken. I would speak to the therapist without her for suggestions. Others here have had problems with family members buying items in excess.

terei · April 18

She can make list to her heart’s content. Stop her access to being able to make purchases. Credit cards, banking and internet if you have to. Don’t even discuss the subject.

jgreen · April 18

Hi @Ed's mom

Do you have durable power of attorney? If no, seek out elder care attorney as soon as possible. With DPOA you can take over bank accounts and have bank notify you of all deposits and withdrawals.

Hide/cancel credit cards - she is vulnerable to scams. If you need to buy the over the counter credit cards with a $50 or $100 limit. that way she can still shop but with limitations.

Also get her a new wallet and make copies of her ID and insurance cards. Keep her originals (She is bound to misplace her purse/wallet in the foreseeable future). My husband’s wallet is still ‘hiding’ from me! I had to replace his medicare card and now need to make a 3 hour trip to replace his military ID!

Money and driving seem to be the two activities that cause the most consternation in a relationship that is changing and will continue to change (and not for the better)

BPS · April 18

I don't know if it would help but by prepping I think you mean preparing for a future when thing like food are hard to get. I think being prepared is a good idea that can go to far. What if you put a couple of cases of freeze dried food or what ever in the living room where she could see them and when she wants to get more tell her that you just got some and you need to find a place to put it before she gets anymore. Show support for preparing but with seeing a little in front of her it may help her feel better, Even if you have to move it to another room and then move it back so she see's she got more.

SDianeL · April 19

as others have said, take control of all finances and accounts. Change the limit on one credit card to very low limit. Only leave a small amount of cash in her wallet. Copy everything in her wallet and put the originals in a safe place and put the copies in her wallet. Fix her phone and internet where she can’t purchase things. If she shops with you, fib to her. Your card won’t work and you don’t have cash. Stop discussing it with her. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken.

M5M · April 20

do you have financial Power of Attorney ? Close the credit card account and tell her it’s been hacked or other story, and that it will take a while to sort out.

Ed's mom · April 20

She doesn't have an official diagnosis, yes I have POA but we always have had reciprocal poa and wills. I'm finally getting her (and her PCP ) to testing. I agree and when I used to argue I would threaten the cards and money. She just went and got her debit card replaced, I never knew it was lost. She's not that confused yet.

I don't believe legally I can do any of that yet but am meeting with our attorney this week.

Bailey's Mom · April 20

Ed's Mom, My HWD was a prepper for years, so I feel your pain…he would watch youtubes by people who were basically trying to sell prepper kits and suddenly was at the grocery store buying cases of canned foods that we would and will never eat, paper supplies, water treatment remedies, vitamins, ammunition, on and on. After about a year into his dementia, he has suddenly forgotten about it…to my delight. I have slowly been using, or throwing things out and reclaiming our living space, which resembled a warehouse. He was into this for many, many years…wanted to buy a cabin in the middle of a woods and have me making soap by hand and plucking the feathers off of chickens at one time…never going to happen! Anyway…maybe it will be a forgotten obsession as the disease progresses, like it was with my HWD. I did learn to never say anything disparaging about the prepping or his geniouses that he was listening to online as it started an hrs long rant and did no good. My HWD is more advanced, however, and can't figure out how to use his credit card (which has a very small limit on it) online or in the store to buy anything.

H1235 · April 21

I can understand the prepping, I’m a bit of a prepped myself. But prepping requires the ability to plan and organize (maybe some self restraint). If she doesn’t have these skills then in my opinion, the decisions on how to prepare for the future needs is up to you. My mom is a hoarder and I absolutely refuse to bring her to the store. The DPOA gives you the ability to act on her behalf. It does not take any of her financial power away. I struggled with this a lot. I also have a brother that thinks she has a right to spend money anyway she wants. I eventually decided it would be financially irresponsible of me as her daughter and her DPOA to let mom spend her money on crazy things that make no sense when she has no ability to understand her financial situation. Since she couldn’t drive she could not go to the bank. She was not good enough with her phone to find their number and call and I had all her mail forwarded to me. She threw out the f bomb (never heard her talk like that in my life) when I refused to take her to the bank. In my opinion you need to protect her finances from her. With the DPOA I would suggest you transfer her money to a different bank and not give her any of the information. Make sure to keep the account in her name. Go paperless or she will see stuff in the mail. If she tries to get a new card she won’t be able to because there is no account for her at her bank. If she complains about them not having an account in her name, tell her you will look into it for her. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to dodge mom asking for a copy of her bank statement. I would make sure nothing comes in the mail to her! I would be very cautious if she has access to the internet and a credit card. She could be wiped out by a scammer. I changed everything to my address after she refused to give me her income tax refund check so I could deposit it (she wanted to go on a shopping spree). You might also want to freeze her credit. Ill attach a link. Doing all of this feels so awful! But you have to protect her from herself.

https://www.creditkarma.com/credit/i/how-to-freeze-credit

Ed's mom · May 15

Thank you, you all are so helpful. Knowing others understand means so much. We live in an in-law type apt with 3 rooms, there is no room for an extra anything. She was hospitalized when we moved a year ago so I was left to deal with a full house, downsizing to senior housing. I didn't know what to do so I gave it all away, every can , bag, everything went. That is the source of the current concern, not only preparing for a disaster but now starting over prepping.

Her paperwork was lost and now we have to wait in line again for testing and diagnosis. As you all know, without that there's nothing I can do. Thank you for your support, I really thought I was the only one out here, you've given me support no one else can understand.

Goodlife2025 · May 15

Not to push the issue or to seem rude but it simply is not true you cannot do anything. You legally can do so many of the suggestions here. You do not need a diagnosis to protect her ID, wallet, and other important papers. The misuse of finances and your DW frankly couldn't care less if you have talked with an attorney/doctor/a relative or not. Please take it from someone who has been financially devastated by this disease before I could get a handle on things. There is so much good advice above…….

Ed's mom · May 16

She's still competent, no diagnosis just family and friends observations. We're not in debt, have savings and has she threatened me legally when I said I was going to stop her cards. After 44 years I will respect that a while longer. I have spoken to a lawyer, my LO is correct, of course. This is a very bad grey area before diagnosis.

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