New to taking care of DH

kbreier
kbreier Member Posts: 2
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

My DH has been diagnosed for about 1 year. I recently decided to retire to take care of him. It is a lot harder than I thought. I guess my work distracted me from what was really going on at home. He does have the anger and distrust with me. We are going to move closer to family and at first he said no but now agrees. He is a horder so getting rid of things is hard but very overwhelming for me. When he has good day we can talk calmly about things and he wants to come up with a solution to calm him down when he is raging. So far nothing works when he is in it. I just cry a lot and go to my room to get away. I feel like I say ok and or sorry all the time. Any suggestions?

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  • Belle60
    Belle60 Member Posts: 133
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    I will be retiring in September but feel the same. I was going to retire last year but wasn't quite ready. I decided to hire caregivers instead to give me a little more time working. But since then he has progressed and I find it difficult to manage his care and my job. I am glad I waited I feel more ready to face this head on. Most certainly talk to your dr about medication. My DH was on Sertraline which helped but as he progressed he was prescribed serequal which has helped a lot with his behaviors.

  • Call me Gram
    Call me Gram Member Posts: 182
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    I agree with the others… sertraline (Zoloft) has been a big help. It reduced DH's agitation, he no longer paces in the evenings, and he is even less repetitive on it. The doctor said it would treat his anxiety, but DH didn't think he had anxiety. So, the doctor explained that it would help settle his mind so he could think more clearly. He acquiesced and it has brought some peace back to our home.

  • Maru
    Maru Member Posts: 574
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    I agree that he probably needs medication to help him control the rage. He may not fully comprehend what is happening, why the need to move and, on some level, he knows that something is wrong with his brain. I can only imagine how frightening that is.

    As to his hoarding and the move… Hoarders find security in their possessions so getting rid of anything is going to amp up his anxiety. While it costs extra, arrange to put all his hoarded stuff into rented storage.

  • kbreier
    kbreier Member Posts: 2
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    Thank you all. You don’t know how much I appreciate your support and kindness. It helps knowing it’s not just me going through this. I have been feeling that I am doing something wrong. And great idea about leaving the stuff we don’t want and have someone get rid of it once we are moved. Thank you again

  • H1235
    H1235 Member Posts: 2,410
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    My mom is a hoarder. The overwhelming need for her stuff is so hard. There are times when I am convinced her stuff is more important to her than her family. She is in a nursing home, but talks all the time about how I need to take her to her house so she can sort through her things. We gave in to this early on and she brought so much stuff back to her room at my brothers house (she lived with him in the beginning) it was difficult for her to move around her room (part of the reason she no longer lives there). I couldn’t get anything done at her house with her there because she didn’t want me to touch anything and I had strict orders not to go upstairs (I have no idea why). At this point I don’t think there is any way you are going to convince him that things need to go and trying is probably going to cause a lot of anger. I know it would tear my mom up inside if she know her things were being sold and donated. There is only so much you will be able to do (trash or sell things) behind his back. Could you move and then hire an estate sale company to come in and go through it all and sell it? I’m going through moms house now while she is in a facility and I am so completely overwhelmed! There is no way it could be done with her there.

  • medassistia
    medassistia Member Posts: 2
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75872/new-to-taking-care-of-dh

    I too have a DH who has alzheimers. I don't know what to do, he's started to wonder now and also has anger issues. He's even punched me in the shoulder a couple of times. i still work full time and feel like a failure. HELP!

  • Michele P
    Michele P Member Posts: 564
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    If there is an Oasis Senior Services in your area, they can connect you with a business that can help with the clean out and removal of items from the house. They also assist with setting up your new home or assisted living/memory care room.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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