Resentment

H1235 · April 23

I visit mom once a week and take her out to lunch most weeks if the weather is good. Yesterday before we left she told a friend she would not be down for lunch because her daughter was taking her out. The friend made a comment about how lucky she is that she gets to go out so much. Mom replied my son takes me out a lot too. I sign her out and have taken her out 5 time to his once. He visits every two weeks, or less. I spend most of our lunch listening to her talk about my brother and his family and all the problems and issues he is dealing with and dumping on mom. She rarely even ask’s about my family. Mom’s favorite great granddaughter is graduating from high school out of state (my brother’s granddaughter). I asked mom if she would like to give her a family heirloom jewelry box she had at her house for her graduation. Mom gave a big huff and said well I guess, since you are not going to bring me my sewing machine so I can finish the quilt I was making her (she probably started it 10 years ago and was diagnosed with dementia just 3 years ago). I found a nice box, tissue paper, ribbon and brought it in for mom to put together for her. She just huffed. My brother never thanked me. There is a family funeral this weekend. I have taken her to EVERY funeral (and appointment ) for many years now (even before dementia). I have always been about an hours drive from mom. I had grandkid stuff happening after the funeral and would not have time for the hour drive to take mom back to her place. I asked my brother if he could take mom. She decided it was just too much driving for him and she didn’t want him to go out of his way (he is closer to her than me). Probably just as well she is not going anyway. I bought her a new pair of pants, she said don’t buy them without pockets again (just one more requirement for pants that are impossibly hard to find). The Christmas decorations I brought her were wrong, the wreath for the door wasn’t right…. Mom has always been overly critical and demanding, so I’m having a hard time distinguishing what is dementia and what is just her being difficult. I can accept that she is not capable of a thank you, but I can do absolutely NOTHING right. Is it even worth going out of my way for her if she is just going to criticize everything. I thought being able to give her great granddaughter a special gift would make mom happy ish. Im not sure it did. I feel so beat down. I’m thinking I will start visiting every week and a half. Maybe fewer outings. Thanks for reading my vent.

jen ht · April 23

Ugh. I feel your heartache through your words. I took a deep breath when I read your last few sentences. I was glad to see you say that. Yes. Maybe even less often than week and a half even? Or take a bit of a break for yourself? I know it's easier said than done to step away sometimes. Just know that you get to have peace and recovery time for your own wellbeing. Sending love across the miles. Sometimes we just have to listen to our bodies and take a break in whatever way we can. 💜

~jht

Merla · April 23

Has your brothwr always been the obvious favorite child of your mom?

its hard bc complaining is just draining to be around especially when you are making an effort.

Interestiny my mom never complains or criticizes me but will blame the hospital or memory care or a person not present when she could have blamed me. Like I brought her crocs in the hospital which hurt her feet and she complained profusely but blamed the hospital not me.

In your situation I probably would do less for your mom and brother. Is the present state of your relationship reflective of the relationship you had all your life?

DSK2026 · April 23

I truly understand your frustration & feelings of resentment. I’m really sorry you are going through such difficulties, with no easy answers. You said you had a hard time distinguishing between what behavior is dementia vs just being difficult.
That really spoke to me, because I’m dealing with very similar circumstances.
My dad has early stage dementia. His personality has changed so much, that it has become very difficult to be around him for any length of time. He treats me far differently than the rest of my family, even though I am the only one helping him on a very regular basis. I don’t need any thank you’s, but daily hostility towards the one doing all the work is beyond frustrating and depressing. I know it’s difficult not to take it personal, but try to remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. Take more time for yourself. I think having some distance is needed sometimes. Maybe you can enlist other family members, friends or neighbors to visit your mom more often, so it’s not all on you. I’ve come to a place that my dad’s happiness is not my responsibility. I’m willing to help do what I can, but ultimately it’s out of my control. I wish I had better advice for you. Please take care of yourself💕

H1235 · April 23

Yes my brother has always been the favorite. She has always had a strong need to be needed. This of course this does not go well with dementia, so I think she is feeling pretty useless. My brother has alway been needy and incredibly lazy. Mom practically raised his two girls. When she was diagnosed 3 years ago his one daughter and her three kids were living with mom, trashing her house and stealing from her. I am fiercely independent. Unfortunately my kids have not stepped up to help me and rarely visit mom. They really don’t even want to listen to me vent. Her best friend told me my dad would be ashamed of me for the way I’m treating her. Her brother told me it sounds like she is living in a prison. My mom has never liked my husband. So he supports me, but tries to stay out of it. She is a hoarder and dealing with her house has been a nightmare. Twenty years ago I talked with mom about my dread over dealing with the house when she was gone and she just laughed (more resentment). I have very limited contact with my brother now which helps some. I have anxiety medicine I can take as needed, but I think I just need to take it daily. I hate that I have to do that. I am so lucky to have found this group. Thank you for your support!

DSK2026 · April 23

I truly empathize with you and pray you find comfort in knowing you aren’t alone in your feelings. My kids & sisters get tired of me venting also, which leaves me pretty frustrated. They don’t get involved enough to realize or be impacted by the daily frustrations that I have been forced to take care of by myself. It’s really easy for others to stand on the sidelines & give criticism. I have tremendous guilt for feeling resentful, but a person can only take so much before they break. If anxiety meds are helping you get through the day, by all means, do what you need to do. As long as you don’t take more than directed, you have nothing to feel bad about.

psg712 · April 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271028#Comment_271028

I read somewhere that mothers raise their daughters and take care of their sons. Yikes.

[Deleted User] · April 23

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Quilting brings calm · April 24

less visits - shorter too. Stop in after lunch or before supper some of the time rather than taking her out for lunch. Sometimes shorter visits work better because it takes them a few minutes to start criticizing. I started leaving when the criticisms started.

sandwichone123 · April 24

You've got her in a place where she's cared for and safe. You can't make her happy. So pull back on the visits and spend some of that time on yourself—gardening or swimming or walking: something that will help refill your tank. She will never give you the appreciation you crave, but you can spend your time in more fulfilling ways.

Resentment

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