Wedding anniversary...

Jeff H · April 24

I might already know the answer to this question, but I thought I would put it out here. My DW's wedding anniversary is next week Wednesday. On most days I'm her best friend and "where is my husband?". Do I potentially stir the pot or just let our anniversary pass going unrecognized? It's sad. I'm leaning toward it going unrecognized.

Thank you.

Snipe · April 24

I would agree and let it go. You could just make something nice for dinner for the both of you with you remembering the good years. Our 48th is in June and that’s what I plan to do. Sad but I can’t see adding to my DW’s confusion anymore than necessary.

Stan2 · April 24

Stirring the pot seldom seems to be a good idea.

Goodlife2025 · April 24

I hoped last year DW would have some memory of our anniversary but with no thoughts in a very long time regarding dates, day of the week, or time in general it will be special this year as only I remember for us both.

debriesea · April 24

My DH has not been aware of birthdays, anniversaries, or holidsys either. Last year I wanted one last “celebration” since I never know how long he could still travel.
I decided to book a night at a local hotel on the river and enjoy the pool and river walk. I’m glad we went but eating in the restaurant was grueling. Conversation, idle chit-chat does not happen anymore. Being the old married couple that never talks in a restaurant brought on a whole new light.
In retrospect, I should have ordered room service since he’d prefer to watch TV most of the day anyway.

This year I’m planning to do something fun with our kids and grandkids. I don’t want to spend celebrations “alone” with him anymore. But I still want to celebrate the occasions. My birthday was a few weeks back that was the same day as my grandson and his new bride were moving into their apartment. We spent the day with family & friends helping them move. The only thing I wanted for my birthday was not to be alone.

jgreen · April 24

Happy early anniversary, @Jeff H

I agree with the others. Make a small but special meal for you two and enjoy your time together. I would not take it any further than that. Know that inside, she still loves you; that is very special!

Hugs! 💝

Timmyd · April 24

On events (birthdays, anniversaries etc), I like to buy some nice cut flowers and display them on the kitchen table. DW seems to appreciate the flowers, but I am not sure to what extent she understands the event.

yardman49 · April 24

I agree with other to not confuse her more. My DW many days does not remember who I am let alone that we were maried 32 years ago.

Jgirl57 · April 24

yes, I just let it go. I do order take out food from the restaurant we both used to love. It’s sad but my DH does not understand special occasions any longer .

annie51 · April 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271091#Comment_271091

I agree that you should celebrate quietly. I normally cooked a nice dinner or got take out, something more special than normal. But I love the idea of getting flowers. My DH is gone now but I will celebrate our upcoming anniversary with a beautiful bouquet. Thank you for that idea!

WIGO23 · April 25

I did not mention our 54th last December. We just went out to dinner and I looked through our wedding albums while he watched sports later. It passed quietly without fanfare. Our marriage has changed so much that, as harsh as it may sound, reasons to celebrate seem forced.

blacksparky · April 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271127#Comment_271127

I totally agree with WIG023. Last year DW had no idea that we were married and this day was our anniversary. I made her favorite dinner, ribeye steak, twice baked potato, grilled asparagus and a homemade cherry pie with ice cream. She ate very little except she devoured the pie and ice cream. This year it will be just another day in our terrible journey we are on. Same goes for her birthday. I’m ok with this as I now have accepted my new role as her caretaker.

howhale · April 25

Agree with many others, let it just be another day and hopefully a good one. Have a meal she might enjoy, make the day as good for her as possible. I had to give up birthdays, anniversaries, holidays several years before the end. It was just best for her. Now, after, it is so hard to begin to experience all those dates again, but alone. I try but it is so difficult. Your gift to her now is to protect her, keep her safe and make each day as good as it can be for her in her unique world. Spousal caregivers especially give up their lives in large part to help their loved on have as good a day as possible throughout.

persevere · April 25

Yeah, I think the consensus here is not to stir the pot. However, as you know from the picture I posted recently we just had our 41st. I didn’t do anything special. Just tending to her all day is full time. But I did mention it. I don’t know if she understood or not. She can’t speak but she doesn’t get riled up by just me saying things. It basically blows right past her. I do wish I had gotten her some flowers though. That would have been nice. Hard to believe but we had a party a year ago for our 40th. She struggled then but something like that would have been totally out of the question now. Hard to believe.

tboard · April 25

Our 45th was last July. My DH was having a bad day that day. I made him a nice meal and put flowers on the table. He doesn’t remember that we are married. He proposed last week and I said yes. :)

elainechem · April 25

My husband stopped remembering all birthdays (even his own), holidays and our anniversary just two years into the disease. If I reminded him, he just said, "Oh is it?" Other than that, it had no impact on him. I stopped trying to celebrate. It was very sad.

Jeff H · 2:12AM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271155#Comment_271155

"Your gift to her now is to protect her, keep her safe and make each day as good as it can be for her in her unique world. Spousal caregivers especially give up their lives in large part to help their loved on have as good a day as possible throughout."

How true! Thank you!

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