Grieving the living
My mom has Alzheimers. I moved in with her and my dad 2 years ago. At first my dad was taking the brunt of the abuse. She is so mean to him and occasionally hits him. Normally my mom is sweet, conservative, and very religious. Now she is mean, conniving and the complete opposite of who she was. We finally heard of medicine that could help somewhat with cognition and aggression. And for her it seemed to work. It definitely calmed things down. She still fights it every morning but my dad has a way with her that she eventually complies. But my dad is hospitalized right now and it's just her and I. She has viewed me as her adversary ever since I moved in. Mostly accusing me of stealing and taking over her house. There was one physical altercation and I moved out. But 9 months later my dad needed me to come back. But ever since he went into the hospital a week ago, mom has refused her meds and it's been a nightmare. Then the second altercation happened. She threw my phone on the ground while talking to my dad. I scolded her and went into my room and locked the door. She began beating on it and forced it open. I set my phone down to push her out and she grabbed it. I wrestled it away from her so she grabbed her iPad and tried to hit me with it, screaming at me that she should kill me. There was rage in her eyes. The next morning it was if nothing had happened. But I didn't have the benefit of not remembering. If my dad passes away, I will have to care for her alone and I don't know how I can do it without us harming each other. We can't afford a memory care facility. Idk what the F I'm going to do and I'm scared to death. I find myself wishing she would die. It's the harsh truth that I'm not afraid to admit but am ashamed of thinking it. I feel depressed and desperate while mourning the sweet mother I knew while a demon has taken over her mind. She's already dead but still alive and it's agonizing. Why is this happening to her? To my family? I'm mad at God
Comments
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@nickerfish
I am so sorry you have reason to be here but glad you found us.
What you are describing is ambiguous grief. You're mourning your mom as she was without the support and recognition offered the grieving. No one sends flowers or makes you a casserole, instead you get to devote yourself to the care and safety of someone you don't recognize. It's a lousy gig.
For the meds? Behavior is communication. If she's giving you a hard time, it's because she's having a hard time. Ask her pharmacist if her meds can be crushed and hidden in food or drink. (Make sure it's something she'll finish— pudding, her coffee, etc.)
If you haven't discussed Medicaid with a Certified Elder Law Attorney, you don't know if she has "too much" for Medicaid. There are legal ways to structure things that could make this possible. There's even a loophole that allows an adult child to inherit the home of a person on Medicaid if they've provided care for 2+ years that kept the parent out of a facility. You and your dad need to talk with an expert.
HB1 -
Welcome. HB gave you some good advice as usual. I would just add that a facility may have a waiting list. It might be worth while to get things figured out and get her on a list before an emergency. Caregiving can really take a toll on you. Your dad’s health should also be considered (yours too) If Medicaid is possible it might be good to consider a facility now rather that after he has passed. I will attach a link to Medicaid information. It might be enough to give you some basics before seeing a lawyer.
https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-income-chart/
1 -
ask the doctor if her meds can be crushed. If not ask for liquid or pills that can be. Put them in applesauce or pudding or in a milkshake. Remember it’s the dementia talking, not your Mom. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. Don’t argue with your Mom. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Remain calm. She will pick up on your feelings. So sorry you are going through this. We understand how you feel. Hugs. 💜
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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